


The One Where Everyone is Gay

by someonenica



Category: Friends (TV)
Genre: All of them have relationships with original characters, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Chandler is confused, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Janice is in the show since the beginning because I think she’s interesting, Joey is kind of sassy, M/M, Mutual Pining, No one’s really together at the beginning, Screenplay/Script Format, Slow Burn, except for Ross, the slow burn is real
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2019-10-07 10:52:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 56,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17364647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someonenica/pseuds/someonenica
Summary: “friends but it’s about a lesbian couple, rachel and monica, the lovely gay couple that live across the hall from them, chandler and joey, their quirky pansexual best friend phoebe and their friend, a heterosexual douchebag named ross”This work is in actual screenplay format, like a real TV show is written.





	1. Pilot

**Author's Note:**

> So, this one is the pilot to my Friends reboot. I saw the prompt that’s on the summary on Twitter and I decided to make it happen. I actually took the original script and used it as a model, but most of the jokes are mine. I changed the characters a little, mostly their jobs, so here goes a quick glance at them all:
> 
> THE CHARACTERS:
> 
> Monica Geller - Smart. Hard working. Extremely attractive. She's a Historian. Confident and hopelessly romantic bisexual.
> 
> Rachel Green - Horribly afraid of real life. Stereotypical suburban white American woman. She was Monica’s neighbor back in their hometown in the countryside. Never realized she was a lesbian until she was in her middle 20s and engaged.
> 
> Phoebe Buffay - Very sweet person. Always has good intentions. Superstitious. Used to work selling flowers in front of the school Monica worked at (teaching), that's how they met and soon became friends. She attends part time psychological course, in New York College IN THE MORNING. In the afternoon, she works at a vegan cosmetic store. Everyone helps her pay for college because she didn't really have a family to afford it when she was younger. Pansexual mess. 
> 
> Ross Geller - Methodical. Confused. Monica's brother. His parents' favorite child. Medical degree, works mostly in research because he can't deal very well with patients. The only straight one of the squad. 
> 
> Joey Tribbiani - Extremely handsome half Brazilian, half Italian guy. Natural flirt. Not that smart. Loyal. Friendly. Lives across the hall from Monica and Rachel. Loves women, men, bread, Die Hard, naps. Has a film degree and he dreams of being an action director but works as a camera guy ever since he graduated. 
> 
> Chandler Bing - Funny. Generic white appearance. Uses sarcasm to hide his insecurities. Works as a lawyer. He's gay but not out to anyone, including himself. His parents divorced when he was a child because his father was cheating on his mom with a man, so he left his family and never came back. That's the reason why he's never been really open about his sexuality. Everyone kind of suspects that he's not straight. Joey's roommate.

ACT ONE.

FADE IN:

 

INT. COFFEE HOUSE. AFTERNOON.

 

They're drinking coffee at a table next to the window, it's a fine Autumn evening, they're all cozy wearing jumpers. Chandler, Monica and Joey are hanging out...

 

CHANDLER

(gesticulating with his hands)

So, I'm telling you. I'm never going out with that woman ever again.

 

JOEY

Come on, Chandler. You always say that and somehow, every single time you two break up, I end up sharing breakfast with her the next morning.

 

MONICA

(to Joey)

Maybe you could hook up with Janice, to draw her attention off of Chandler. Since he can't manage to stop seeing her on his own.

 

JOEY

But if she sleeps with me, she's probably never going to want to do it with Chandler, ever again. No offense, man.

(he pats his friend's shoulders)

 

JOEY (CONT'D)

But I kind of hear you two through the walls, and it doesn't sound like you're very good at, y'know...

 

CHANDLER

(interrupts and says sarcastically)

NONE OFFENSE TAKEN. Now can you please tell us more of how you think I suck at bed???

 

JOEY

Come on, man. If you reaaally,  _ _sucked__ _ _in__  bed, I'm sure girls would have way more fun with you.

 

 

 

MONICA

(interrupts the discussion)

That's the whole point, Joey!! If she enjoys herself with you, she will probably not want to low her standards and do it again with Chandler.

 

CHANDLER

You two are unbelievable!! None of you have ever done it with me, you can't freaking be that certain that I'm bad at sex

 

JOEY

Well... We're sure you're bad at... Women.

 

MONICA

(Completes his sentence)

Not that you're bad at... sex.

 

CHANDLER

OH, the gay jokes again. I'm straight, guys. Get over it.

 

 

The both of them sip on their cups, and share looks.

Phoebe joins the table with coffee on her hands.

 

 

 

 

PHOEBE

Hey, you guys.

 

Chandler turns to her.

CHANDLER

Hey, Phoebs. You'd do it with me, right?

 

PHOEBE

Do  _ ** _what_**_  with you?

 

CHANDLER

You know, sex.

 

PHOEBE

Oh, no I wouldn't. Sorry. I'm more into, y'know... manly guys. Like Joey!!

(she says loudly gesturing at him and he gives her a flirty wink)

Joey and Monica start laughing.

CHANDLER

Oh, COME ON. Aren't you into girls as well?? Girls are girly and you do it with them anyways!!

 

PHOEBE

Don't you question my preferences.

 

JOEY

I'd do it with you, Chan. If that makes you feel any better.

 

CHANDLER

(Covers his face)

Oh my god, what is wrong with you guys?

 

MONICA

I wouldn't.

 

CHANDLER

(snaps)

I'm outta here.

 

HE GETS UP AND LEAVES, EVERYBODY SHRUGS.

 

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. THE SAME. AT NIGHT.

 

EVERYONE, INCLUDING ROSS, IS SITTING AT THE SAME PLACE. EATING BREAKFAST FOR DINNER.

ROSS WINES:

ROSS

You know, I never expected to be divorced before even turning 30!!

 

CHANDLER

And you’re not even 25 yet.

 

JOEY

That sucks, man. You’ll get over it.

 

PHOEBE

It's not your fault your wife ended up sleeping with some random guy from the gym for 6 months straight. And now they're getting engaged!

 

ROSS

Thank you very much for reminding us all of the whole damn story, I don't know what I'd do without you.

 

PHOEBE

( gets the irony and decides to go along with it)

My pleasure!! I'll always be here for you, you know...

 

EVERYONE STARTS LAUGHING.

ROSS

(wines)

You know, I just wanna be married again!!

 

PHOEBE

You can marry me!

 

ROSS

You can't marry me out of pity, Phoebs.

 

CHANDLER

(to Phoebe)

So, you'd do it with  _ _Ross__ , but you wouldn't do it with  _ _me__???

 

PHOEBE

Well, I said I'd marry him. Not that I'd do it with him.

 

CHANDLER

Isn't that implied??

 

PHOEBE

Of course not!! He said he wants to get married not to get laid!

(She does a long pause looking up and then continues)

I'd never do it with Ross. Ew

 

Ross

Thank you. I'm surely feeling way better now that you said that.

 

A WOMAN ENTERS THE COFFEE SHOP DRESSING UP AS A BRIDE.

CHANDLER

Hey, look, Ross! It may not be Phoebs, but your bride just came in ready to go!

 

MONICA

(whispers)

Oh my god, that's Rachel Green. She was my best friend in high school.

 

ROSS

(giggles)

She was Monica's first girl crush.

 

MONICA

(she snaps still talking low)

Shut up!! You were the one who had a thing for her but she never wanted you!!! Because you're... Basic.

 

THEY STARE AT ONE ANOTHER DEFENSIVELY, AROON IS READY TO SNAP BACK AT HIS SISTER WHEN THE WOMAN SEES THEM AND COMES NEAR THEM.

 

RACHEL

Oh my god, Monica???

 

MONICA LEAVES HER SIT AND GOES HUG RACHEL.

MONICA

Rachel!! Long time no see, uh?? What happened to you??

 

RACHEL

Well... I was just at my wedding.

 

MONICA

And you didn't invite me????

Rachel stares at her and winks fast in disbelief.

MONICA (CONT'D)

I mean... What happened? Why are you here and not... Getting married?

 

RACHEL

(wines with her hands on her face)

I don't know!! So much has happened, and i just couldn't marry him!! So, I ran.

(she start talking fast and desperately)

And you're basically the only person I know in New York, so I went to your house, and you weren't there, and here I am now! I mean, we were so close in high school, so i thought it wouldn't be that bad to come to you and...

 

MONICA

Honey, that's okay! Why don't you take a sit, and I go order you a cup of tea, so you can calm down??

 

MONICA NODS AND RACHEL DRAGS HER SOFTLY BY HER SHOULDERS, TOWARDS THEIR TABLE.

 

MONICA

You guys, this is Rachel. Rachel, this is everybody. Well... Phoebe, Chandler, Joey and my brother Ross. You remember him, right?

 

RACHEL

Yeah, I do remember him, yeah... hey guys.

 

EVERYBODY

Hey, Rachel.

 

ROSS

(in a way thicker and softer voice)

Hello, Rach.

 

SHE WAVES AT HIM AND SITS. MONICA GOES GET THE TEA AND LEAVES RACHEL WITH HER FRIENDS. AFTER A LONG AWKWARD PAUSE:

 

PHOEBE

I like your dress.

 

RACHEL

Thanks, I was... Getting married.

 

CHANDLER

(says without thinking)

No, shit. I thought she was dressed like that so tourists would pay to take photos with her.

 

EVERYONE LOOKS AT HIM WITH ANGRY LOOKS.

RACHEL

(she rubs her eyes and starts crying out dramatically)

Why are you so mean? Why would Monica be friends with this mean person? I mean, I'm so stupid, of course you knew I was getting married!!

 

PHOEBE

Don't be like that! You're not stupid, you know... My first job ever was to dress up and go take pictures with tourists in Times Square when I was 9...

 

CHANDLER

See?? That's a perfectly decent occupation! I never meant to offend you!! Please stop crying before Monica comes back or she will rip my heart off my chest without even thinking twice!!!

 

EVERYONE NODS LIKE THEY AGREE MONICA'S GOING TO DO THAT. MONICA COMES BACK WITH THE TEA AND HANDS IT TO RACHEL. EVERYONE GOES SILENT.

 

 

CUT TO:

INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT - LATER

 

EVERYONE BUT RACHEL ARE ALL SAT ON THE SOFA WATCHING A SOUP OPERA IN SPANISH. RACHEL IS AT THE BALCONY TALKING LOUDLY ON THE PHONE WITH HER DAD.

PHOEBE

I don't get why you can't translate it for us, Joey!!

 

JOEY

I'm brazilian, Phoebs. I can't speak spanish, only portuguese.

 

PHOEBE

Aren't those like, the same thing??

 

MONICA

NO. They are NOT. I know you only say that to piss Joey off. Please, stop.

 

PHOEBE

I don't get it, why Brazil is like... The only country in latin america that speaks portuguese.

 

CHANDLER

It's easy. They don't want to be like everyone else. They go against the  _ _flow__ , you know? They think outside the box.

 

PHOEBE

I get it! I get it! The brazilians are like the hipsters of latin america.

 

MONICA

Or... They were just colonized by Portugal, unlike the other countries around them.

 

PHOEBE

(shrugs)

Chandler's theory is more sustainable.

 

MONICA

(rolls her eyes)

Oh sure, for what would I need a history degree for, right?

 

JOEY ROLLS HIS EYES AND GOES SULK IN THE KITCHEN.

MEANWHILE, THE FIVE OF THEM CAN HEAR RACHEL SPEAK ON THE PHONE WITH HER FATHER.

 

RACHEL

Oh, hey papa..... Yeah, I'm fine, nothing happened to me..... I'm just... I'm sorry, papa. I can't marry him...... Papa, I can pay you back in the future.... Stop screaming, please....I just don't love him......... Well, it matters to me!...... Papa, don't scream....... That's the thing!! I’m not sure I even like guys at all...... Well, maybe your little girl really is a lesbian.

 

EVERYBODY TURNS BACK ON THE SOFA TO PAY ATTENTION TO THE CONVERSATION AS SOON AS SHE SAYS THE LAST LINE.

 

MONICA

(mimics in surprise)

Holy shit

 

RACHEL (CONT'D)

Look, it's my life.... I don't care, papa. Why do you have care? ...... That's for me to decide.... Well, if you don't want me back, maybe I'll stay here... Maybe I don't want your money!.... Papa don't hang up.

 

BUT THERE'S NOTHING BUT DIAL TONE. SHE STARTS WALKING BACK TO THE LIVING ROOM. EVERYONE SITS BACK ON THE SOFA LIKE THEY WEREN'T LISTENING.

THERE'S A WEIRD WOMAN WEARING 80S CLOTHES TEACHING GYM ROUTINES ON THE TV. EVERYONE PRETENDS THEY WERE 100 PERCENT PAYING ATTENTION TO THAT. RACHEL FINDS IT WEIRD.

RACHEL

Well, you guys have weird taste for television.

 

CHANDLER

Ross does have this dream of becoming a fisiculturist in the future. We like to be supportive.

 

EVERYBODY NODS. RACHEL SITS IN THE SOFA NEXT TO PHOEBE.

MONICA

Honey, do you wanna talk about what just happened?

 

PHOEBE

Look, you can feel safe with us. We're all gay here, and we're all willing to be here for you.

 

RACHEL

You're all gay?

 

MONICA

Well, Joey and I are bi, Phoebe's pansexual, Chandler is....

(pause)

Something.

CHANDLER ROLLS HIS EYES.

CHANDLER

I'm straght.

 

PHOEBE

He is, but if you try hard enough to ignore that information, you won't even notice it! I do it all the time.

 

RACHEL

(Points at Ross)

What about him?

 

Ross

(says unapologetic)

I'm straight but... I did have a long term relationship with a gay person once.

 

RACHEL FROWNS HER BROWS IN DISBELIEF.

ROSS

Well, a lesbian female person.

 

RACHEL ARTICULATES AN “OH” WITH HER MOUTH AND CONTINUES...

 

RACHEL

Okay, then. I.... Am gay, yes. But I swear I didn't know. But y'know, Tom was the first and only guy I've ever dated, and I've always known that I wasn't turned on by him at all. But I thought it was normal. He is a doctor and he'd be a good husband to me...

(she starts sobbing more each sentence she says)

But today when I was about to walk into the altar, it just came to me in a flow, all the crushes on girls that I've had, and ignored... Everything I felt and suppressed, all the things I've never felt for guys. So, that's the thing: I'm a lesbian.

 

SHE BURIES HER HEAD IN PHOEBE'S SHOULDER, AS PHOEBE COMFORTS HER, PUTTING HER ARMS AROUND HER.

PHOEBE LOOKS UP AT HER FRIENDS AND STARTS MIMICKING SO RACHEL WON'T HEAR.

 

PHOEBE

I think Imma get some tonight.

 

JOEY

(showing his both thumbs up to Phoebe and mimics)

You go!

 

MONICA

(mimicking dramatically and explosively)

No YOU WON'T. Get off of her, right NOW.

 

PHOEBE

(to Monica)

Well, no I won't!

 

MONICA

You... have... no... right!!

 

RACHEL LOOKS UP FINALLY, TO SEE MONICA MIMICKING. AS SOON AS MONICA NOTICES, SHE TURNS HER ANGRY FACE INTO A FAKE SMILE. RACHEL SEEMS TO IGNORE WHAT JUST HAPPENED AND CONTINUES:

RACHEL

And now my father doesn't want me back! I can't believe I was just kicked outta home.

 

MONICA

Honey, you can stay with me, I have an extra room. It's no bother.

 

CHANDLER

And you will find a job, you'll live on your own. We all do! It's gonna be fine.

 

JOEY

(sits on the sofa arm next to Rachel and says in a flirty tone)

And you can always ask for some Joey's love too. He will always be here if you need him!

 

EVERYONE GLANCES AT HIM IN DISBELIEF.

RACHEL

You know I just came out as a lesbian, right?

 

JOEY

Oh, I had forgotten that part.

(he looks down a bit disappointed and then looks up with a big, sincere smile)

Well, then we can be besties!

 

HE OFFERS A HIGH FIVE, SHE TAKES IT.

LAUREL

And platonic Joey's love is good too! We all have it, and we all love it.

EVERYONE NODS. EVERYONE AGREES.

JOEY

Aw, you guys.

 

JOEY (CONT'D)

See? Now we have a even bigger gay squad.

 

PHOEBE

(claps her hands)

I can't wait for Chandler to come out already, so we can be even stronger.

 

CHANDLER ROLLS HIS EYES AND SHRUGS, RACHEL SMILES WARMLY AT THE ACCEPTANCE.

 

 

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT - LATER

RACHEL IS LEAVING THE BATHROOM, WEARING A ROBE AND DRYING HER HAIR WITH A TOWEL. EVERYONE'S SAT DOWN IN THE KITCHEN.

 

RACHEL

You know, what? I'm feeling so much better now.

 

PHOEBE

Oh, yeah. Lesbianism does that to people.

 

DOOR BELL RINGS. JOEY GOES TO THE DOOR AND LOOKS WHO IT IS.

JOEY

Hey Chandler, it's that person you're not going out with ever again.

 

CHANDLER

Oh, yeah….

(he laughs loudly)

I lied.

 

JOEY

What?

 

CHANDLER

We're going out tonight.

 

MONICA

You're going out with Janice tonight?

 

ROSS

Didn't you two like... Breakup yesterday?

 

MONICA

That's it, Joey. You gotta seduce her before Chandler ends up marrying her.

 

RACHEL

You guys, she's still at the door I think.

 

CHANDLER

(points his index finger up at everyone)

I'm gonna get that, and y'all are going to be NICE to her. Otherwise, I'll...

(pauses, he doesn't know what to say)

Propose to her right in front of your rude asses.

 

ALL OF THEM (EXPECT FOR RACHEL WHO JUST LOOKS CONFUSED) MAKE EXAGGERATED FACES OF DISCONTENTMENT AND NOD.

CHANDLER GOES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT.

A TALL BRUNET WEARING LEATHER PANTS AND A BRIGHT PINK SHIRT COMES IN AND WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND HIM.

CHANDLER TURNS TO HIS FRIENDS WITH HER STILL CLIMBED ONTO HIM.

CHANDLER

Everybody, say hello to Janice.

 

EVERYBODY

Hello, Janice.

 

JANICE

Hi, there honey-pies.

(she leaves Chandler's neck, and points at Rachel)

This one's new.

 

RACHEL

Oh, yeah I'm...

 

JANICE

(interrupts her and points at Joey)

Joey you sassy little man!! Just last morning you were with that other woman... What was her name...?

 

JOEY

(rolls his eyes)

Rachel's not my girlfriend.

 

JANICE

(points at Monica and Phoebe)

So, one of you two are lesbianing with her, uh?

(pauses)

It's Monica ain't it? You...

 

MONICA

(mimics her voice)

Sassy little woman.

(continues with her own voice)

I get it, but no. Rachel's our friend.

 

JOEY

Not that it's none of your business, Janice.

 

CHANDLER

Alright, alright, honey, we'd better go, it's getting late, we'll loose our reservation.

 

HE TAKES HER SOFTLY BY THE ARM AND LEADS HER TO THE DOOR, AS HE COMES BACK TO CLOSE THE DOOR, HIS HEAD POPS IN THE LIVING ROOM AND HE GIVES HIS FRIENDS AN ANGRY LOOK.

CHANDLER 

I'm proposing!

THE DOOR CLOSES.

JOEY

(to Monica)

I'm never ever going to sleep with that woman even if Chandler's life depends on that.

 

PHOEBE

I bet she's like that Black widow spider... She kills men right after she sleeps with them.

 

RACHEL

Isn't Chandler... alive still?

 

MONICA

He's dead inside.

 

ROSS

(nods deeply with a sad expression)

Oh... Yeah, he  _ _is__.

 

JOEY

Phoebs, you genius.

(offers a high five, she takes it)

 

PHOEBE

(shrugs)

I've got a good sixth sense.

(to Rachel)

I'm like a witch, you'll get used to it.

 

 

CUT TO:

INT. A POSH RESTAURANT - NIGHT

JANICE AND CHANDLER ARE SITTING ONE IN FRONT OF THE OTHER. CHANDLER HAS HIS CHIN RESTING ON HIS HAND, HE BLINKS FAST AS JANICE TALKS NON-STOP. HE LISTENS TO NOTHING THAT SHE SAYS. THE SCENE IS QUIET, FOCUSED ON HIS FACE TRYING TO CONCENTRATE.

INTERNAL DIALOGUE, TWO VOICES ON HIS HEAD ARGUING:

CHANDLER

(To himself)

Come on. You have a great time with her. She's hot, she has a stable job, she's about your age. She's wife material.

 

CHANDLER

(makes an scared look)

Holy shit, I can't marry Janice, I'll end up leaving her on the altar like that girl... Rachel did.

 

CHANDLER

She did that because she is gay. You are not gay.

 

CHANDLER

How can you know? I mean... I'd rather be with a guy than with Jennifer.

 

CHANDLER

Then why are you having dinner with Janice and not with a guy, right now?

 

CHANDLER

Because I'm not gay...! Snap out of it.

 

HE LEAVES HIS INTERNAL ARGUMENT, WITH A QUESTION FROM JANICE:

 

JANICE

So, what do you think, honey-pie?

 

CHANDLER

I... I think that's... Just... Alright, honey.

 

JANICE

You think that I  _ _NEED to get a nose-job?__

 

CHANDLER

No... NO... I think... It's just alright if you... wanna get one...?

 

JANICE

That's not what I asked. You know what, Chandler Bing? I am sick of your games.

 

CHANDLER

Sorry, what?

 

JANICE

You'll get nothing of _ _this__

(gesticulates dramatically down at her body)

Tonight.

 

CHANDLER

Uh...

(puts a full spoon of soup in his mouth making a lot of noise to take it)

 

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BACK INTO MONICA'S APARTMENT

 

They all in the same place they were before.

 

ROSS

So, you guys are helping me unpack? Chandler was going to give me a hand, but he just ditched me.

 

RACHEL

You're moving?

 

ROSS

(shyly)

Yeah, I just got divorced. So...

 

RACHEL

You divorced that "lesbian female person" you mentioned earlier?

 

ROSS TRIES TO SPEAK, BUT PHOEBE INTERRUPTS HIM.

PHOEBE

NO, no. His wife was very much straight. She cheated on him with her good-looking personal trainer from the gym.

 

ROSS

Yes, thank you, Phoebs.

 

MEANWHILE, JOEY AND MONICA LAUGHING ON THE BACKGROUND.

RACHEL

(puts a hand on Ross' shoulder)

Oh, honey, I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

ROSS

(looks up at her wiht heart eyes, winking fast, and says with a thin voice)

Thank you, Rach.

 

HE SOONS REALISES WHAT HE DID AND MOVES TO THE DOOR AWKWARDLY.

ROSS

So, you guys coming?

 

JOEY

Yeah, man. Sure.

 

RACHEL

I don't think I'm going, no. I'll just stay here and have some sleep.

 

MONICA

Yeah, and I'll help Rach settle in.

 

PHOEBE

I mean... The cute girl needs me too!

 

MONICA

Phoebe, you  _ _are__  going.

(everyone stares at her, she starts rubbing her neck, embarrassed)

I mean... My brother needs more than one person to help him.

 

ROSS

(rolls his eyes)

Yeah, yeah, let's just  _ _go__ , guys.

 

PHOEBE GOES POUTING TOWARDS THE DOOR, WITH HER ARMS CROSSED. THE THREE OF THEM LEAVE. MONICA TURNS TO RACHEL WITH HALF-HEARTED SMILE.

 

MONICA

You know, sometimes I've just got to... Treat Phoebe like a child.

 

RACHEL

Yes, I get it. Now... Can you please lead me to my room, I'm just really tired.

 

MONICA

(points at a door)

Yeah, it's that door right there.

 

RACHEL GOES TOWARDS THE ROOM, MONICA FOLLOWS HER. RACHEL GETS IN.

MONICA

I can get you clean blankets!

 

RACHEL DOESN'T RESPOND, SHE JUST SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT.

MONICA

(screams through the door)

No prob! Those in there are...  **clean anyways**! Sleep well!

 

NO RESPONSE AGAIN. SHE GOES SILENT, PUTS HER HANDS IN HER FACE. AND THEN SAYS TO HERSELF, IN A LOW VOICE:

 

MONICA

Stupid! Just stupid!

 

 

ACT TWO

_ _INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT - THE NEXT MORNING_ _

RACHEL LEAVES THE ROOM WEARING THE SAME ROB SHE WAS WEARING THE NIGHT BEFORE. JOEY IS LOOKING INTO THE FRIDGE, CHANDLER IS SITTING AT THE TABLE, WEARING A FANCY SUIT, AND EATING A TOAST.

CHANDLER

Well, good morning.

 

JOEY

(Looks over the fridge door)

Hey, there. Feeling better?

 

SHE HAS BAGS UNDER HER EYES, HER HAIR IS MESSY, SEEMS LIKE SHE'S BEEN CRYING ALL NIGHT LONG.

 

RACHEL

You guys live here or something? I don't see more than two bedrooms in this flat.

 

CHANDLER

We do have a flat across the hall, but we only go there to sleep anyways. Monica feeds us free food.

 

JOEY NODS, AND CLOSES THE FRIDGE. HE SITS NEXT TO CHANDLER WITH A BOTTLE OF MILK IN HIS HAND, HE'S DRINKING IT RIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE.

MONICA LEAVES HER ROOM READY TO GO TO WORK.

MONICA

Mornin', guys.

 

SHE GOES OVER TO RACHEL AND WRAPS HER ARM AROUND HER SHOULDER WITH A PITY LOOK.

 

MONICA

Hey, there, honey. How you holding up?

 

RACHEL TURNS HER FACE TO HER.

RACHEL

I'm good, yeah.

 

MONICA GETS SCARED AWAY BY RACHEL'S MORNING BREATH. SHE RUSHES TO THE BATHROOM.

 

MONICA

(says on the way)

Yeah, I'd better get you a fresh tooth brush.

 

CHANDLER STARTS GETTING UP, MONICA RETURNS WITH A TOOTH BRUSH IN HER HANDS.

 

CHANDLER

I'd better get going to work.

 

MONICA

Yeah, me too. Joey, are you working today? You could stay with Rachel so she won't feel alone.

 

Joey

The studio's on a break. I can stay, yes.

 

RACHEL

(with a sincere surprised look)

Wait, you guys have real jobs??

 

MONICA

Honey, that's how we pay for things.

 

RACHEL

Don't your parents help you out?

 

CHANDLER

Of course they do! Our parents are the ones who pay for our rent, groceries... We only go to boring jobs everyday for fun!

 

JOEY

Wait, you were expecting to rely on your parents forever?

 

RACHEL

NO! That's why I was getting married in the first place! My fiance was a  _ _doctor__.

 

MONICA

ALRIGHT. Joey you'd better help her search for a job today. Cause, Rach, if you wanna stay here, you will have to help with the rent, and the bills, and...

 

RACHEL

I get it, I get it! Stop freaking me out.

 

CHANDLER TAKES THE TOOTH BRUSH FROM MONICA, GOES OVER TO RACHEL AND HANDS IT TO HER, TAKING A GOOD DISTANCE FROM HER FACE.

 

CHANDLER

First lesson on how to be an  _ _employable__  adult: You have to brush your teeth in the morning before you even  _ _consider__  talking to people.

 

RACHEL CLENCHES HER EYES AT HIM, TAKES THE TOOTH BRUSH AND RUNS TO THE BATHROOM, OFFENDED.

 

MONICA

(to Chandler in a flirty tone)

Hash but necessary, I like it.

 

THEY START WALKING TOWARDS THE DOOR.

MONICA

Now I'm kinda turned on by you, what have you done?

 

CHANDLER

It creeps me out how you're literally turned on by a person acting like a parent.

 

JOEY

(screams from the table)

He's a real daddy, uh?

 

CHANDLER LOOKS BACK AT HIM WITH AN EXAGGERATED LOOK OF DISGUST. THE DOOR SLAMS.

 

 

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT \- LATER THAT MORNING

JOEY AND RACHEL ARE SITTING NEXT TO ONE ANOTHER IN THE SOFA. JOEY HAS A LAPTOP ON HIS LAP.

 

JOEY

So, Rach... If you wanna get a job anywhere, you gotta have something called a... Resume.

 

RACHEL

I know what a resume is, Joey. I went to college.

 

JOEY

Alright, do you have any job experience?

 

RACHEL

Nope.

 

JOEY

What about... Skills?

 

RACHEL

Hum... I can... Speak a little french, and talk to people?

 

JOEY

Alright, there you go. I'll just write it down:

(he says as he types)

"Ability to speak"

SHE FROWNS.

JOEY (CONT'D)

Come on, Rach. Give me something, anything.

 

RACHEL

Why don't you put, uh... Fluency on the French language? 

 

JOEY

Now you're giving me something I can work with. Lying on your resume is so adult of you, I'm proud.

 

RACHEL

(smiles proudly)

Thank you.

 

JOEY

What about education?

 

RACHEL

I’ve got a... Degree in photography

 

JOEY

Nice! So, you have your own camera, your own equipment...?

 

RACHEL

I do have a camera but I’m not very good at taking photos, no.

 

JOEY FROWNS, PAUSES FOR A GOOD TIME AND THEN GOES ON:

JOEY

No one really needs to know that last part.

 

 

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. COFFEE HOUSE. THE END OF THE EVENING.

MONICA, ROSS AND CHANDLER ARE SITTING AT THE SAME TABLE AS USUAL, THEY ARE ALL WEARING THE CLOTHES THEY WORE TO WORK.

PHOEBE APPEARS IN A HURRY AND SITS NEXT TO THEM.

 

PHOEBE

You guys will not believe the dream I had this afternoon.

 

MONICA

Weren't you working?

 

PHOEBE

Well, yes. But I take naps every now and then.

(she stares at their judge-y looks and snaps)

It's no crime, alright? No one goes shopping vegan cosmetics in Monday afternoons. I'm allowed to rest while the store is empty.

 

ROSS PATS HER SHOULDER

ROSS

It's okay, Phoebs. No one is judging you.

 

MONICA

Well, I am.

 

CHANDLER

(to Monica)

Sorry, when are  _ _you__  not being judge-y, again?

 

MONICA

Oh, says Mr Chandler "I use sarcasm as a copping mechanism to hide my insecurities" Bing.

 

CHANDLER

It's funny, because that's exactly what you're doing right now!

 

THEY STARE AT ONE ANOTHER WITH RESENTMENT UNTIL PHOEBE CUTS THE ARGUMENT SHORT:

 

PHOEBE

You guys, I still want to share my dream.

 

ROSS

Yes, Phoebs. Please, go on.

 

PHOEBE

(shrugs)

Okay.

(dramatic pause)

In my dream I was at home, I had just woken up in the morning so I rushed to the bathroom to take a shower.

 

CHANDLER

Are you sure you dreamt  _ _that__?

 

PHOEBE

(rolls her eyes at the interruption)

So, when I undressed and I turned the shower on, I reached inside my thighs to, y'know, clean it with soup. And my legs were  _ _all covered in blood.__

 

EVERYONE JUST STARES PERPLEXED AT HER AS SHE GOES ON.

PHOEBE

So I looked dramatically at my dirty hand and I just started panicking, non-stop. 100% percent terrified.

(she pauses a moment)

 

MONICA

So...?

 

PHOEBE

So, in the end of the story, that whole time, that blood in my thighs was like...  _ _My period__. And when I realized that, I just stopped screaming immediately.

 

THEY ALL JUST KEEP STARING AS IF THEY DON'T BELIEVE THE STORY THEY JUST HEARD.

ROSS

(breaks the silence)

That wasn't a dream, was it?

 

PHOEBE

NO! That happened to me this morning. But  _ _so__  unrealistic, right?

 

MONICA

Yeah, right, Phoebs.

 

CHANDLER

You might have thought you were bleeding to death, I bet.

 

PHOEBE

Of course I thought that, silly. What else would I think?

 

CHANDLER SHRUGS, NODDING. IN THE BACKGROUND, RACHEL AND JOEY ARRIVE TOGETHER AT THE COFFEE SHOP. THEY JOIN THE TABLE.

 

 

JOEY

Hey, guys.

 

EVERYBODY

Hey

 

MONICA

So, what were you doing together?

 

RACHEL

We were spreading my resumes around, y'know, looking for a job perfect for me.

 

JOEY

More like, begging every single employ-e in this city to get you an interview.

 

RACHEL

I think we did a great job, though.

 

JOEY

(yodels happily)

Besties...!

 

THEY HIGH FIVE.

MONICA

I don't think you should dream that high, though.

 

ROSS

Wow,  _ _hash__.

 

RACHEL

Sorry, what?

 

MONICA

I mean,  _ _not yet__! Why don't you get an easy job, like waitressing, so you can get some money to start out your new life, and  _ _meanwhile__ , you search for other jobs that will be harder to get?

 

CHANDLER

She does have a point.

 

RACHEL

(pouting)

You don't think I'm capable?

 

MONICA

Not that, honey, It's just that...

 

PHOEBE

(interrupts loudly)

HEY! When I was 9 and I dreamt of running away with the circus and becoming a famous circus... Performer.

(pauses, gesticulates dramatically)

You know, like a clown. I had just to dream low, and start off wearing plain costumes in Times Square.

 

ROSS

(ignoring Phoebe, pats Rachel's shoulder)

Look, at least you're not bleeding to death.

 

SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND, CHANDLER AND MONICA START LAUGHING AT THE COMMENT.

 

 

CHANDLER

(he turns serious, looks up, wonder-y)

If only all intense bleedings of existence turned out to be plain period leakings.

 

THE REACTIONS ARE VARIOUS: RACHEL FROWNS, JOEY LAUGHS EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN'T GET THE JOKE, MONICA BREAKS DOWN IN LAUGHTER, SO DOES ROSS. PHOEBE GETS EXCITED AND STARTS CLAPPING HER HANDS AND TALKING LOUD.

 

PHOEBE

Oh my god, that actually  _ _rhymes.__  You have to write that down, right  _ _now.__

 

CHANDLER

 _ _Down__  and  _ _Now__  rhymes too! You're getting better at poetry than me.

 

PHOEBE

And you're a lawyer! You basically gratuaded in college to write those poem thingys.

 

CHANDLER

Yeah, that's  _ _exactly__  what I work with.

 

JOEY

Man... I thought you like, got people out of jail and stuff.

 

ROSS

He actually does that! He and the other attorney stand before the judge and make a rap battle. Whoever does best, wins the case.

 

JOEY

Oh, dude. Don't make a fool outta me. I know rap is like... A new thing. And lawyers and judges and jail exist for a while now.

 

CHANDLER

Joe, my dear. Before rap was created lawers had to recite sonnets or play long pieces on the piano. It was way harder back then.

 

PHOEBE

So, everyday for you is like... Being in America's Got Talent.

 

MONICA

You know well enough that this fool doesn't even go to court that often. He just edits documents

(both Phoebe and Joey frown at the word "documents" and she corrects herself)

I mean, pieces of poetry. And gets coffee to the bosses.

 

ROSS

Yeah, man. That's a way more accurate description of the job.

 

CHANDLER

(puts his hands on his face, and fake cries dramatically)

I know, right?

 

JOEY

(tries to comfort him)

Man, don't be like that. I know you'll be a important lawyer someday. Like... Shakespeare or something.

 

EVERYONE LAUGHS UNTIL THEY GO COMPLETELY SILENT, ALL OF THEM SIPPING THEIR COFFEE.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. ROSS'  APARTMENT - NIGHT

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER AND ROSS ARE ALL AT ROSS' APARTMENT. THE FLAT IS SMALL AND IT'S FULL OF BOXES EVERYWHERE. EVERYONE IS UNPACKING A DIFFERENT THING.

ROSS

Thanks for coming over again, guys. You can't imagine how important this is for me.

 

PHOEBE

Yeah, your friends are like the only people you have left. I appreciate you having us.

 

ROSS FROWNS LOUDLY. HE SITS ON TOP OF ONE OF THE BOXES. JOEY WALKS TO THE FRIDGE AND GETS BEERS. EVERYONE SITS ON BOXES TOO. HE HANDS THE BEERS.

 

ROSS

I can't stand being single. I can't believe my marriage failed, you know? I loved Carol, so, so, much.

 

PHOEBE

At least you had a long, loving, intimate relationship with someone you deeply loved, Ross. You should be greatful for the universe allowing  _ _you__ , of all people, to have that.

 

JOEY

Yeah, man. None of us have ever had a long term relationship. We're all from girl to girl, from guy to guy. Having sex with all this different people with whom we don't really have feelings for.

(he stops as if he had a realisation, he looks up)

Look, Universe. I am  _ _not__  complaning. Don't you take that away from me!

 

CHANDLER

I mean, Ross, man. Just yesterday I was considering the possibility of maybe marrying Janice!

 

EVERYONE LOOKS AT HIM WITH HORROR ON THEIR FACES.

JOEY

(yells)

You were serious about that?

 

ROSS

No need to go  _ _that__ deep just to comfort me, Chandler. I get it that I was lucky to have Carol.

CHANDLER ROLLS HIS EYES.

 

PHOEBE

Yeah, Yeah, Ross, we get it. But Chandler, you are really going to propose to Janice?

 

CHANDLER

I never said that I'm going to... I said that I'm considering. I just don't want to... Die alone.

 

JOEY

Man, you're not going to die alone! I'm sure that there's someone better for you out there. I mean, you're hella smart, and you have a good sense of humour, you're a good person, and you are not bad-looking either! And Janice doesn't have any of those things.

 

CHANDLER

Aw, thanks, man.

 

ROSS

Joey, dude, you forgot to say 'No homo' at the end of that.

 

JOEY

(looks offended)

That expression does  _ _not__  exist in my vocabulary.

 

PHOEBE

(rolls her eyes and continues the previous discussion)

Look, Chandler. Besides all that, think with me, it's better to die alone and go to heaven, or even hell, than dying and going nowhere at all because Janice consumed your soul throughout the years until there was nothing left.

 

CHANDLER

She is not a satanic witch, Phoebs.

 

PHOEBE

Of course she is not, because that would be a offense to witches  _ _and__  to satan.

 

ROSS

Yeah, guys. But can we focus on  _ _my__  problems? I'm the one who was cheated on by the love of my life. And Chandler, pal, I'm really sorry for you if Janice  _ _is__  the love of  _ _your__  life.

 

CHANDLER

Oh my god, what if she  _ _is__  the love of my life?

 

HE PUTS HIS HANDS ON HIS FACE, STARTS HYPERVENTILATING. JOEY PULLS HE IN A ONE SIDED HUG, TRYING TO COMFORT HIM.

 

JOEY

(to Ross)

Look at what you've done!

 

PHOEBE

(yells)

You sick, sick person!!

 

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MONICA’S APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT

Monica is laying wearing pajamas on the sofa, and so are Joey and Chandler. Rachel walks in and slams the door loudly.

 

CHANDLER

Someone's on a good mood.

 

MONICA

Oh my god, honey. Did something happen?

 

Rachel sits next to them, and shighs.

RACHEL

Where are the rest of the people who pratically live here?

 

MONICA

It's late. They went home.

 

JOEY

Are you gonna tell us why you're upset?

 

RACHEL

Y'know... I was walking around the neighbourhood.

Because New York never sleeps, that's what people say. So, I saw these marvelous boots in this store, I picked them up and my credit card was rejected!

 

MONICA

Honey, who pays for your credit card?

 

RACHEL

My dad, obviously.

 

CHANDLER

Oh, wow. Daddy canceled the credit card. How surprising.

 

JOEY

It seems obvious since, you two had a fight... You ran off on the wedding ... and... Stuff.

 

CHANDLER

On the expensive wedding, he himself paid for. It's important to... Highlight.

 

RACHEL

OH! Of course he did that! I'm so stupid!

So... Just like that? Just because I'm a lesbian I'm no longer allowed to buy boots?

What happened to gay rights in this country?

 

CHANDLER

I agree, that's homophobic at a minimum!

 

MONICA

Look, today was just your first day on your own. You're gonna find a job soon and you'll be able to buy as many pair of boots as you want.

 

RACHEL

(looks up at her hopeful)

Really?

 

MONICA

Nah... Your life will reach a point eventually when you won't want to spend hard-earned money on boots.

 

RACHEL

Oh, believe me, that will never happen to me. It's phisically impossible.

 

CHANDLER

Ha, ha. That's what she said.

Everyone looks at him in disbelief.

MONICA

In which context exactly did  _ _she__  say  _ _that?__

 

CHANDLER

When I... Asked her if I'd been able to make her orgasm when we had sex.

 

RACHEL

That must've been your fault though.

 

CHANDLER

I never said it wasn't!

 

JOEY

(pats him on the shoulder)

Dude... Your whole life is just... Sad.

 

Chandler looks down, looking genuinely upset. He gets up from the sofa.

 

CHANDLER

Oh, it's 10 pm. I'm heading home to take 8 good hours of depression sleep.

 

JOEY

I'm going with you, you need some Joey's love and cuddles.

 

CHANDLER

(rolls his eyes)

Yeah, right. You keep dreaming about that.

 

They both leave the flat. Rachel and Monica are left alone in the living room. There's a few seconds of awkward silence.

 

RACHEL

So... Are the two of them a thing?

 

MONICA

(chuckles)

No, actually Chandler is straight...

 

RACHEL

OH, he did make sure to tell me that a few times... But I had forgotten about that for some reason.

 

MONICA

Yeah, it's kinda easy to forget. But, y'know, they're just really good friends. And Joey likes to tease all the time.

 

RACHEL

Yeah... Right... What about you, I mean, are you... Seeing someone?

 

MONICA

Actually... No, I'm not.

 

RACHEL

Okay, uh... Alright.

A few seconds of silence.

MONICA

Oh my god, we sound just like awkward teenagers.

 

RACHEL

We do, don't we? I really do miss those years actually, I mean, our teenage years.

 

MONICA

Well, I don't. I don't blame you for missing them, though.

You were so popular and pretty, all the guys wanted to go out with you.

And I was just the fat ugly girl following you around everywhere.

 

RACHEL

Hey! Don't you say that! You were never ugly! You are and you've always been so beautiful!

Besides, being fat is not the same as being ugly. I think you look just as pretty now as you did back then.

 

MONICA

Yeah, right. You say that because you didn't spend your whole life being bullied,

criticized and rejected for your weight.

 

RACHEL

Honey... I didn't know you felt like that I'm...

I'm so sorry. I don't know if it makes you feel any better but, to me you were never the

(she gesticulates with her fingers)

"girl following me around". You - You were my best friend. And wish I could've made it more clear.

 

MONICA

I know, I guess it's too late now. But... Thank you.

 

She stands up from the sofa.

RACHEL

Monica, wait. I know it's complicated, I'm living with you now and...

I'm a complete dork. But do you think - and don't let my intense vulnerability and

my complete lack of experience with women become a factor here -

do you think it would be okay if someday I asked you out, maybe?

 

MONICA

(with a smile)

Yeah, maybe.

 

RACHEL

Okay, then maybe... Maybe I will.

 

MONICA

Good night, Rach.

 

She heads to her room and closes the door.

RACHEL

'Night.

 

With that, the scene fades.

 

DISSOLVE TO THE CREDIT SCENE:

INT. COFFEE HOUSE. A FEW DAYS LATER.

 

Monica, Phoebe and the guys are hanging out.

 

JOEY

So, yeah. I went out with this girl from Tinder but then she ended up having a boyfriend

and they were ambushing me into having a threesome just because it said "bisexual" on my profile.

 

MONICA

That is so disrespectful! Those weird-ass straight couples think that just because we are bi,

we'd want to have sex with both of them.

 

JOEY

Yeah, right? I explained that to them.

 

ROSS

You slept with them didn't you?

 

JOEY

I did... But, come on, they were really hot and I explained how wrong and disrespectful it

was to ambush people like that before I said yes.

 

A waitress pours coffee in Joey's cup while he speaks. Chandler looks up at her and jumps from his sit.

 

CHANDLER

(yells at Joey, pointing at the waitress)

Don't drink that! She's trying to poison you for being stereotypical!

 

The camera reveals that the waitress is actually Rachel. Everyone seems surprised.

 

PHOEBE

Oh my god, Rach. You got a job!

 

RACHEL

I did, yeah!

 

ROSS

I thought you didn't want to be a waitress.

 

RACHEL

Well, turned out I couldn't find another job and I really wanted to buy a new pair of shoes...

 

Monica gives her a sharp, angry look.

RACHEL (CONT'D)

And help with rent, of course. So, I just... Took this job.

 

CHANDLER

That's a way of putting that bachelor in photografy to use.

 

RACHEL

Well, someone once told me that, sometimes you gotta dress up in Time's Square

before you're ready to run away with the circus.

And that's what I'm doing - sorta.

 

Phoebe stands up, child-like. She yells:

PHOEBE

That was me! That was me! I said that!

 

AND AS THEY ALL CHIME IN, TALKING AT ONCE AND LAUGHING. THE SCENE...

FADES OUT.

 


	2. The one with the baby and the parents.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joey's and Monica's parents come to New York for Thanksgiving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be warned that there is homophobia in this chapter. 
> 
> Please, don't forget to let me know what you think about this episode.  
> Opinions, ideas, they're all welcome!
> 
> Also, I'm not a native speaker of neither Italian, French nor Portuguese. I just got translations from google translator, feel free to correct me if I got anything wrong!

 

FADE IN:

INT. COFFEE HOUSE. AFTERNOON.

Everyone is sitting in the coffee house, talking. Except for Rachel who's working.

 

MONICA

So, Ross has always been a little too obsessed with things.

In middle school he literally climbed the cafeteria table and screamed "Hey captain, my captain" the

day after he saw Dead Poets' Society for the first time.

 

Everyone reacts laughing, looking cringy. Ross looks offended. 

 

CHANDLER

I remember wanting really hard to have sex the day after I watched porn for the first time.

 

JOEY

You sure didn't act on that.

 

CHANDLER

Dude, I was 13.

 

MONICA

So was Ross!

 

CHANDLER

Wow, a REAL man of action.

Rachel approaches, pouring coffee into some cups.

 

RACHEL

I remember this one time that Ross asked me if I'd pretend to

date him so it wouldn't look weird if he tutored me science for free.

Monica starts laughing, and then she points to Ross.

 

MONICA

He had just watched The Proposal!

 

OPENING CREDITS.

FADE IN:

INT. A HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

Ross is walking to the reception, he hands a few papers to the receptionist. When he's at it, a handsome, muscular man and a pretty blond woman leave the nearest room together with another doctor.

THE DOCTOR

(low voice in the background)

Please, don't forget to schedule your next scan for next month.

 

THE WOMAN

Of course!

 

When Ross hears the voice, he looks shocked, and turns back at the couple coming up to the reception.

 

ROSS

Oh my god, Carol?

 

CAROL

(looks really uncomfortable)

Oh, hey Ross. What are you doing here?

 

ROSS

(high-pitched giggle)

I work here.

 

The man appears from Carol's back and reaches out to Ross.

THE MAN

(he looks happy and cheerful)

Oh, hello doctor Geller, what a nice surprise.

 

ROSS

(takes his hand with a smile)

It's always good to meet my wife and her boyfriend at my working space.

 

THE MAN

(Smiles even wider)

Oh! We're here because...

(holds the scan up)

We're pregnant!!

 

ROSS

(looks sad surprised at first, but he soon hugs Carol)

Guys... That's awesome news! I'm so happy for you.

 

BOTH

Thank you.

 

ROSS

So... How... old is your baby?

 

CAROL

(she looks uncomfortable, tries not to answer the question)

It's not a baby yet, technically it's still a bunch of embryonic stem cells trying specialize... 

 

THE MAN

Honey... Get to the point... The baby is 16 weeks old.

 

ROSS

(looks down at his fingers like he's doing some hard math and wides his eyes up)

Wait... 16 weeks is 4 months right? But... Carol and I were still together 4 months ago...

Carol, we were having SEX 4 months ago.

 

THE MAN

(looks worried at his partner)

Were you?

 

CAROL

Yeah... We kind of were.

THE SCENE DISSOLVES WITH THE CAMERA CLOSED UP ON ROSS' WIDE EYES.

INT. MONICA'S LIVING ROOM. NIGHT.

Everyone is sitting close together in the couch. Ross is alone on the armchair, he has a blanket around him. Everyone looks interested to what he's saying.

 

ROSS

So, after that we went out for a coffee to sort things out and stuff.

 

MONICA

Can't you have a DNA test?

 

ROSS

We can't really do a DNA test to a fetus without it being invasive and even dangerous to it.

 

PHOEBE

So, what are you gonna do?

 

ROSS

As I was going to say already... We went out for a coffee and we agreed to act like we're both the dad,

until the baby is born and we know whose baby it is.

Everyone reacts surprised.

JOEY

DUDE, that's crazy!

 

ROSS

I mean, if it's mine, then the baby will have Bruce as their stepdad anyways...

 

PHOEBE

What if it's not? You're gonna spend 9 months getting attached to a baby and

then you will have no relation to it. Like... One day you're a dad, the other day you're not.

 

CHANDLER

WELL at least, the gym guy, also known as the new boyfriend, will win either way.

 

ROSS

Shit, dude, he's always winning!

 

MONICA

Alright, alright, now let's skip to the real worrying stuff:

How are you going to tell mom and dad all those things?

 

ROSS

Well, first I'll have to tell them I'm divorced.

Monica stands up and starts tying the pillows on the sofa.

 

MONICA

You'd better get ready, mister. Because they're coming over for thanksgiving.

Everyone except for Rachel looks disappointed.

EVERYONE

Oh, no... Dude, that's horrible... You gotta be kidding me...

 

RACHEL

What? Guys, Mister and Misses Geller are such great people.

 

MONICA

Excuse me? Have you even met them?

 

JOEY

They suck!! This one day I arrived at Monica's with my monthly boyfriend  and her parents were here...

They like have never talked to me ever since.

 

MONICA

OH, I have forgotten about that. I'm sorry I won't have you guys over this year.

 

CHANDLER

Joey's folks are coming over from whatever country they are at right now, so we're hosting.

 

PHOEBE

That's great! Rachel, you'd better come too.

 

RACHEL

Why? Monica's parents love me!

 

PHOEBE

They love _straight_ you.

 

RACHEL

Oh, come on! They have a bisexual daughter themselves!

 

ROSS

They don't know that...

 

RACHEL

(puts a hand on Monica's shoulder)

Honey, I'm sorry... I thought they knew!

 

MONICA

It's alright. They suck, you don't. So you'd better go to Chandler and Joey's.

Joey's parents are the sweetest people you'll ever know.

 

RACHEL

OH, really? How are they?

JOEY

Uh... Babbo's italian, mãe is brazilian... They're like...

Academics or something, and they travel around giving lectures for a living.

 

PHOEBE

Joey speaks three languages! It's so cool!

 

RACHEL

OH... I never figured you were poly lingual.

 

JOEY

You know what's funny?

When I was a child, my dad's portuguese still sucked and so did my mom's Italian,

so when I was growing up I used to mix up the languages all the time and they would never underestand me.

I would go like... "Boungiorno, babbo. Could you plese pour me um pouco de café com leite?" just to make them confused.

 

CHANDLER

Oh god, Joe. NOW Rachel actually thinks you're a smart guy!

 

PHOEBE

And they're so okay with Joey being bisexual! Like... the king and queen of allies.

 

JOEY

Yeah... They are a pain in the ass with me not getting into serious relationships, though.

Like, they say they feel guilty for not teaching me how to deal with intimacy and stuff.

 

CHANDLER

(looks at him worrying)

Dude, I didn't know that... I'm sorry.

 

JOEY

Nah, man. It's fine. I handled it.

 

PHOEBE

How??

 

JOEY

(says like it's not a big deal)

Oh, it was kinda easy. I told them I was dating Chandler. And they got like so happy...

Everyone looks surprised.

 

CHANDLER

(gets up from the couch, articulates with his arms)

Dude! What???

 

JOEY

Oh, man... We've been dating for like 6 months.

And my parents really want to meet you for the first time as my boyfriend, and not as my friend...

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. THE HALL. SAME TIME.

Joey and Chandler are arguing.

CHANDLER

Look, dude, you know I love you but you can't do stuff like that behind my back!

 

JOEY

Come on!! My parents were so happy about it!

You should have heard them! I mean, they're such affectionate people, it hurts them that their son has never been in a serious relationship.

 

CHANDLER

Uh... What if I find a girlfriend, and they find out that their son's boyfriend has a girlfriend?

 

JOEY

I mean, you do have Janice and still none of your Instagram photos are with her.

 

CHANDLER

Let me see that!

He takes his phone out and opens his instagram feed.

 

CHANDLER

Holy crap, all of my photos are with the guys, and 2 out of 5 are with you.

 

JOEY

See?? Not hard for my parents to believe we're a thing.

 

CHANDLER

Look, in this last picture your mom commented "My boys looking cozy" and lots of heart and kissy emojis.

 

JOEY

See? She adores you! Dude, you gotta help me out... I will owe you one.

 

CHANDLER

OKAY! But... _No kissing_!

 

JOEY

That's bummer... But I can work with that.

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. COFFEE HOUSE. THE NEXT DAY.

They're sitting on the couch talking discussing their dinner arrangements.

MONICA

So, none of you except for Ross will go to mine for thanksgiving?

 

RACHEL

Honey, we're sorry.

 

MONICA

Who's going to cook? Joey, your parents don't deserve your awful tasting food!

 

JOEY

We will ALL cook, alright?

 

PHOEBE

So, have you figured your dating arrangementss?

 

JOEY

Oh, yeah. We've been dating for 6 months.

 

CHANDLER

We started hooking up when we were both sad and drunk and then we developed feelings.

 

JOEY

Because we were already best buds before, anyways.

 

ROSS

Why does that sound so unbelievably accurate?

 

JOEY

Right??

 

PHOEBE

I think we're still seeing you guys marrying.

 

MONICA

If that happens I wanna be... Best... Woman?

 

PHOEBE

Sorry, that would be me.

 

CHANDLER

Yeah, that's enough. Now I'm uncomfortable.

He leaves the couch, towards the door.

 

JOEY

Sweetheart! No need to sulk!

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. THE HALL. NIGHT.

Mrs and Mr Geller are at Monica's door holding a few bags and a bottle of wine. Mrs and Mr Tribianni appear from the stairs, walking towards the door.

 

MR TRIBIANNI

Oh oui, ma chérie, _j'ai adoré_ l'enseigner.

 

MRS TRIBIANNI

Oui, oui mais notre fils est en couple depuis six mois. Oublier la lecture, mon amour!

 

They arrive at the door to Joey and Chandler's apartment. The two couples exchange "Good evenings". The door to Joey and Chandler's apartment opens, the couple comes in.

 

MRS GELLER

This Mexican people should have more respect and not speak Spanish when they're in our country.

 

MR GELLER

No wonder we're building a wall!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT. SAME TIME.

Joey is hugging his mom, his dad is saying hi to Phoebe, Rachel's in the background, so is Chandler.

 

JOEY

Então, mãe. Così, Babbo. You already know Chandler.

 

MRS TRIBIANNI

Yes, we do!

(she takes Chandler by the cheeks)

It's a pleasure to see you again, darling.

 

CHANDLER

The pleasure is all mine, Mrs Tribianni.

 

MR TRIBIANNI

As soon as we came here for the first time after Joey moved in, we knew something would happen between the two of you.

 

MRS TRIBIANNI

The chemistry is remarkable.

 

PHOEBE

You should see them when they're drunk. We're so used to PDA by now that the sound of them making out in the corner

of the room already became a white noise.

 

MR TRIBIANNI

We shall have much wine tonight, then.

 

MRS TRIBIANNI

Because our Joey is in love!

 

They hug both of the boys.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT. SAME TIME.

Monica, Ross and their parents are sitting in the living room, they're all in silence.

 

MRS GELLER

So, have you heard that the oldest Green's daughter is a lesbian?

Such a pretty, delicate girl... She was always at our home, I guess we can never be too careful.

 

MR GELLER

Her parents are devastated with shame. Everyone in town is gossiping about it.

I think a maid heard her dad talking with her on the phone the day she ran out on the wedding, spread the news.

 

MRS GELLER

Poor guy... I wonder if he still has hope on women. That's the kind of thing that turns a decent man into a gay man.

Awkward silence.

 

MR GELLER

So, honey, you have a new roommate?

 

MONICA

Oh, yeah, her name is Rachel.... Green.

 

MR GELLER

You're giving shelter to her?

 

MRS GELLER

You use the same bathroom?

 

MONICA

Mom, dad, that's ridiculous she needed a place to stay,

I needed someone to help with rent... It's as simple as that.

A few seconds of awkward silence.

 

ROSS

So, I'm divorced. Have been for a few months.

 

MRS GELLER

WHAT? ROSS!

 

MR GELLER

What happened?

 

ROSS

There has been... Some cheating.

 

MR GELLER

That's what I always say, women these days can't accept the natural extinct men have for sleeping around.

That's why marriage don't last as long as before.

Mrs Geller nods along.

ROSS

Uh... _She_ cheated on me.

 

MR GELLER

Oh. Okay.

 

MRS GELLER

What a bitch!

 

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT. SAME TIME.

They all sitting on the table, having dinner. The environment is light, everyone is laughing.

 

MRS TRIBIANNI

So, we have spent the last 4 months in France... We still haven't gotten used to speaking english on a daily basis.

 

MR TRIBIANNI

The last lecture your mom gave in Bourbon, you couldn't even tell that she wasn't a native speaker.

 

MRS TRIBIANNI

(giggles)

You stop!

 

CHANDLER

How come Joey didn't learn to speak French?

 

MRS TRIBIANNI

When he was growing up we only knew our native languages and english. Our grandchildren will sure learn German and French though.

 

Chandler chokes on his beans. Joey caresses him on his back.

RACHEL

I'm sure Chandler and Joey are going to have beautiful poly lingual children!

 

MR TRIBIANNI

Well, no children before marriage, right?

 

Chandler chokes harder on his beans. Joey caresses him again, looking merciful.

 

PHOEBE

I argue that 6 months is a healthy amount of time to take the next step.

 

CHANDLER

I mean, we're not even 25 years old yet. A bit early to think about marriage.

 

MR TRIBIANNI

So, Chandler, are you not ready to spend the rest of your life with my son?

 

CHANDLER

(he takes Joey's hand on top of the table)

I'm already spending my life with him, sir, even before we started dating. I think that's enough for now.

 

MRS TRIBIANNI

They remind me so much of us at their age.

 

MR TRIBIANNI

You were already pregnant with Joey at that age.

 

MRS TRIBIANNI

And I would never have gone far further with my academic career if you hadn't been

so present as a father and so supportive as a husband.

 

MR TRIBIANNI

That's what love is, kids. You just... Gotta be there for them.

 

JOEY

(to Chandler)

Hey! I'm here for you!

 

CHANDLER

(smiles at him, still holding his hand)

Thank you, Joe.

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT. SAME TIME.

They're sitting on the table having dinner. No one's laughing or talking.

ROSS

So, there's still more to the saga.

 

MR GELLER

Don't tell us that she traded you for another woman.

 

ROSS

No... Uh... She's pregnant.

 

MRS GELLER

(looks up from her plate)

OH, is it yours?

 

ROSS

We don't... We don't know...

 

MR GELLER

Oh my god, son... What are you gonna do?

 

ROSS

We agreed that we would both act as fathers... Until the baby is born, and we know who's the biological dad.

 

MRS GELLER

That _is_ great. My son is taking responsibility for a bastard,

my daughter is sharing a bathroom with a lesbian... People are gonna talk!

 

MR GELLER

Our family name is going to be ruined in town, and it's going to be your fault!

 

MONICA AND ROSS

(looking down at their plates)

I'm sorry.

 

MRS TRIBIANNI

Doesn't matter. We're leaving. We have a long trip back home waiting for us.

 

Everyone stands up at the same time, they share awkward, cold hand shakes. Mr and Mrs Geller walk to the door, they take their coats.

 

MRS GELLER

(before she walks out the door)

Monica, dear, you'd better learn how to tie your home and cook some decent food

or else you'll never get a husband.

The door bangs.

Monica sighs loudly. They both start cleaning the table silently.

 

ROSS

(breaks the silence)

Look, you know you'll always have me, right?

If you decide to spend the rest of your life with a woman, have children with a woman...

Fuck mom and dad! I'll be there, I'll be fun uncle Ross, I'll give your children presents, our families can meet on Christmas, and... I can take you to the altar if dad won't! You will never, EVER, be alone.

 

Monica walks over to him with tears in her eyes, she hugs him tight.

 

MONICA

Thank you, Ross. And... Look, that child Carol is carrying, is already so lucky.

They already have two dads and a crazy loving aunt full of love.

 

ROSS

Yes! Fuck mom and Dad. My child is not a bastard, they are!

 

MONICA

Fucking bastards...

 

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT. SAME TIME.

Phoebe, Rachel and Chandler are cleaning the table, Joey's parents and him are sitting on the couch talking.

 

RACHEL

We're finished!

 

The three of them walk from the kitchen. Chandler sits next to Joey, Joey wraps his arms around him.

 

MRS TRIBIANNI

So, lovebirds, I want to hear the story of your first date.

 

CHANDLER

I guess we had thousands of almost-dates before our first date.

 

JOEY

Yeah... But our first proper date was to a Knicks game, I guess.

We had already gone to several games together before, but this one Chandler made sure to let me know that it was a date.

 

PHOEBE

Because they were already hooking up, of course!

 

RACHEL

And everyone knew, even though they were trying to keep it a secret.

 

MR TRIBIANNI

Joey! You were having sex before dating? What about the manners of a romantic? We taught you better.

 

JOEY

Hey! I can't help that he's irresistible. I mean,

(he points right)

Look at him!

 

CHANDLER

Look at me?? Joey, we own a mirror, you should look into it more often.

Joey kisses him on the cheek as a thank you.

 

MRS TRIBIANNI

So, Rachel who long have you and Monica been dating before you moved in together?

Phoebe lets out a laugh.

 

RACHEL

Oh, Mrs. Tribianni, we're not dating. We're just roommates. You know, life in New York is expensive.

 

MRS TRIBIANNI

Oh, I get that. But who knows, right? Chandler and Joey were also only roommates

and look at them now cozying up on the couch.

Rachel laughs awkwardly.

MR TRIBIANNI

Honey, what do you say we go to sleep now? I'm tired.

 

MRS TRIBIANNI

(gets up and gives the four young people a forehead kiss)

Goodnight, sweethearts. Which room is the guest room?

 

CHANDLER

(points at his own room)

That one, Mrs Tribianni.

 

They get in and close the door. As soon as that happens, Chandler and Joey each go to separate sides of the couch.

 

JOEY

Shit, man, now I want a _real_ boyfriend.

 

CHANDLER

And _I_ want present, loving parent figures.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT. LATER THAT NIGHT.

Monica and Ross are lying on the couch. The rest of the guys open the door and sit next to them.

 

RACHEL

So, how was it?

 

ROSS

The Worst evening ever.

 

MONICA

It's like every evening I spend with them is the worst evening of my life.

 

ROSS

And morning, and afternoon...

 

Rachel wraps her arms around Monica being supportive.

MONICA

So, how was it for you guys?

 

CHANDLER

Dating Joey is not that bad.

 

JOEY

Of course not, have you seem me?

 

CHANDLER

So you were being humble earlier to show off to your parents?

 

JOEY

Of course, dude!

 

RACHEL

I kinda want to date Joey only for his parents.

 

JOEY

Aw, thanks, Rach. They'd be flattered.

 

RACHEL

No, seriously, have you got a sister?

 

JOEY

No, sorry. Only child.

 

RACHEL

(looks disappointed)

Oh, man. Chandler, honey, you'd better not let him slip away.

 

CHANDLER

You guys do realize that we're not really in a romantic relationship, right?

 

PHOEBE

Aren't you? I was so happy for the two of you!

 

CHANDLER

We were making a show for Joey's folks, Phoebs.

 

PHOEBE

Screw you for lying to such lovely people! I'm going home.

She gets up and leaves.

 

JOEY

I have an idea. From this year on, we spend thanksgiving together. No parents.

 

ROSS

Deal. No more lies, no more my fucked up parents...

 

MONICA

Only the six of us celebrating imperialism in this beautiful national holiday.

 

CUT TO CREDITS.

POST CREDIT SCENE.

INT. JOEY'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.

Joey and Chandler are sharing a bed, they are laying very far away from one another.

 

JOEY

(whispers)

Hey, Chan. 'You awake?

 

CHANDLER

(whispers)

Yeah...

 

JOEY

Thank you for today. I didn't know you were such a great actor.

 

CHANDLER

Yeah, I was just being sincere but adding some romantic cheesy stuff. I mean, we're bros for life, right?

 

JOEY

Yeah, bros for life. Look, you're my best bud and I love you too.

 

CHANDLER

Sorry?

 

JOEY

That day when we were arguing you said you loved me, and now I'm saying that I love you too.

 

CHANDLER

Thank you, Joe.

 

JOEY

I'll always be there for you.

 

A few seconds of silence, Joey closes his eyes.

CHANDLER

(whispers)

Me too, Joe. Me too.

As that happens, the scene...

FADES AWAY.


	3. The one with the toxic lack of masculinity

  
FADE IN:

  
INT. COFFEE HOUSE. AFTERNOON.

  
Phoebe is sitting on the sofa, with a coffee and her phone in hands. Chandler arrives at the coffee house. He is wearing a Polo t-shirt, with short orange sleeves and orange collar; long white shorts. He has his hair combed back, and he is holding a few shopping bags.

  
CHANDLER  
Hey, Phoebs.

  
She looks up from her phone and wides her eyes.

PHOEBE  
Oh my god, Chandler. Why do you look like that?

CHANDLER  
What? I look normal.

PHOEBE  
NO... You're like... I don't know, one of those guys...

  
Chandler sits next to her.

CHANDLER  
Alright... The thing is, my masculinity just went all the way down the other day when I was acting gay with Joey. So, last night I just freaked out and I started buying all this... Stuff.

PHOEBE  
You bought stuff, so you'd feel more manly?

CHANDLER  
Yeah, look.

  
He takes a vaper from one of the bags, turns it on and smokes.

PHOEBE  
(wides her eyes and jumps from her sit)  
OH! I see that now. You look so like a straight dude.

A waitress approaches them.

THE WAITRESS  
Sorry, sir. You're not allowed to smoke in here.

He nods and puts it in the bag. As soon as she leaves, he lightens up.

CHANDLER  
See?? I'm even breaking stupid rules just to show that I smoke boiled water even though nobody really cares.

Phoebe shrugs, looks down at her phone.

CHANDLER  
I mean, yesterday I highkey bought a Porsche with my credit card and now I'm afraid to open my bank app and end up seeing how deep in debt I am.

PHOEBE  
(she looks up with her eyes wide)  
Really?

CHANDLER  
Nah, the bank wouldn't give me that much credit. I'm not reliable.

PHOEBE  
Well, that's a relief. Touchdown for capitalism.

CHANDLER  
Yeah...

PHOEBE  
I didn't realize how expensive it was to be a straight guy, though. I thought that you just had to feel attracted to women only, and that was it.

CHANDLER  
It's actually more complicated than that.

  
With that, he takes the vaper from the bag and smokes dramatically.

OPENING CREDITS.  
DISSOLVE TO:

  
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT. EARLY EVENING.

  
Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are sitting on the sofa. Rachel's in the middle, she is holding her phone up.

RACHEL  
So, what about this one?

PHOEBE

Nah, I think you can do better.

JOEY  
Wow, but this one is just so hot, Rach.

PHOEBE  
Yeah! Like her, come on.

RACHEL

(cheers)  
Okay! So exciting!

  
Both Joey and Phoebe both make disappointed faces.

JOEY  
NO, woman. What did you do??

PHOEBE  
(screams)  
What is wrong with you?

RACHEL  
Uh, I just liked her...?

PHOEBE  
(screams)  
You swiped left!!

JOEY  
Remember: To swipe right is for like. You ALWAYS swipe right.

RACHEL  
I'll just undo it, stop freaking out.

PHOEBE  
There is no "undoing it". Rach, you will never see her again.

JOEY  
Once you swipe the hottie left, there's never going to be a match. The hottie is gone for good.

RACHEL  
Joey, can you stop rhyming? It's stressing me out.

JOEY  
I'm teaching you tinder mantras. Mantras have to rhyme.

Rachel rolls her eyes.

PHOEBE  
You threw her into the black hole of algorithms, Rach.

RACHEL  
Alright, moving on... What about her? Dark hair, blue eyes, about my age...

PHOEBE  
Looks like someone has a type...

JOEY  
Come on, swipe right is for like.

RACHEL  
Joey, I am not a child. Stop talking like that...  
(a few seconds of silence go by)  
Okay, what is going on?

PHOEBE  
It's a match, Rach. Now you can talk to her.

RACHEL  
(releases the phone on her lap and claps her hands in excitement)  
I can't believe I already have a girlfriend.

JOEY  
You have to talk to her, then you have to meet her in person, and then you will be dating.

PHOEBE  
For all we know she might be a serial killer.

RACHEL  
Serial killers are not that attractive! Come on, guys. I thought that the whole point of dating apps was to hook up with people without facing the traffic, or spending money in restaurants.

PHOEBE  
And how do you expect to have sex without leaving home?

RACHEL  
I thought that maybe sexting was a bigger thing in the big cities...

JOEY  
(sideways smile)

Nice...

PHOEBE  
You will never get by in the lesbian world like that. You're expected to get married after one month into the relationship, you have to rule intimacy.

RACHEL  
Really? I'm horrible at that.

PHOEBE  
(shrugs)  
Me too, that's why I only have flings.

With that, Monica enters the front door.

MONICA

OH, hi, people.

PHOEBE  
Hi, Mon. How was work?

MONICA  
Good, yeah. I think you guys will love the concept once you try it.

JOEY  
Hey! We have jobs.

PHOEBE  
Stop stepping on your working class fellas.

JOEY  
Fellas?

PHOEBE  
It's British for "proletarian"

Monica sits on the chair next to the sofa.

MONICA  
So, what are you guys up to?

PHOEBE  
Generally, we're trying to find Rachel a girlfriend. But right now, we're trying to explain why you're not automatically dating a person once you match them on tinder.

MONICA  
(to Rachel)  
So, you're stepping into the dating world already...?

RACHEL  
Yes, you know... I need some... Experience. Y'know, women are...

MONICA  
That's alright, sweetie. You don't have to explain yourself, it's all fine.

RACHEL  
Honey... you asked a question.

A few seconds of uncomfortable silence.

PHOEBE  
(uncomfortably)  
Uh... Joey, do you want to grab a coffee downstairs?

JOEY  
What?? Why?? I'm enjoying the drama.

Rachel stands up and walks towards her room.

RACHEL  
(on her way)  
There is no drama.  
(slams the door)

Monica also stands up and walks towards her own room.

MONICA  
Yeah, no drama.  
(slams her door)

PHOEBE  
(to Joey)  
I think it would be easier if they had found each other on Tinder.

JOEY  
No!! Imagine how sad it would be if Rachel swiped Monica left by mistake!

PHOEBE  
(giggles)  
I think Dante already wrote that story...

JOEY  
(confused)  
Dante...?

PHOEBE  
(rolls her eyes)  
What kind of Italian are you?

JOEY  
(shrugs)  
An American one...?

 

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CHANDLER'S APARTMENT. ABOUT THE SAME TIME.

Ross is by himself in the apartment. He's looking into the fridge, he basically has his head in it.  
Chandler enters the apartment, wearing his work clothes.

CHANDLER  
Honey, I'm home.

Ross looks on top of the fridge door.

ROSS  
(holding a laugh, pats his eyelashes)  
Hi, honey. I made chicken for dinner.

CHANDLER  
(frowns)  
You're not Joey. You don't live here.

ROSS  
And I didn't actually cook dinner.

CHANDLER  
Who even are you?

ROSS  
(giggles)  
Yeah... Next thing you know, I'll be forging checks and pretending to be an international airplane pilot.

CHANDLER  
If you didn't pass as Joey, I don't think you will pass as Leo Dicaprio, though.

With that, Ross shrugs and takes a bottle of milk from the fridge and sits on the table.

CHANDLER  
Actually, Ross... I've been meaning to talk to you.

ROSS  
Yeah?

CHANDLER  
Uh... It's been a while since we went out together, y'know, just the two of us.

ROSS  
That's true...

CHANDLER  
So, I thought we could go to a stripper club this weekend like we used to do in uni.

ROSS  
Sorry, man. I have a date on Friday, and I'm going to Carol and Bruce's on Saturday.

CHANDLER  
(in a joking tone)  
Threesome?

ROSS  
Haha, too funny. But there's actually just some boring fatherhood stuff we have to sort out.

CHANDLER  
Too bad, I could really see the gym guy as a hot chick.

ROSS  
(looks down)  
I think my wife saw that too...

A few seconds of silence go by.

ROSS  
Anyways, why don't you ask Joey to come with you?

CHANDLER  
Uh... Don't get me wrong, I love Joe, but I was looking forward to having a macho time, y'know... With strippers and cigars...

ROSS  
So...?

CHANDLER  
And y'know, you and I are straight guys, we appreciate this kinda thing.

ROSS  
(frowns)  
Dude, Joey loves women more than you do.

CHANDLER  
It's not about loving women, it's about hanging out in a club with a friend that will not hit on the barman while a stripper gives him a lap dance.

ROSS  
(puts on a genuinely concerned face)  
That's just... mean. Joey would be very upset if he heard you saying that.

CHANDLER  
That's good because he won't.

ROSS  
Dude, that is just not our thing. We're straight by mistake. All our close friends are gay, we go to gay bars with them, we are supportive. That's our thing. Why are you behaving like that?

CHANDLER  
I don't know, I just felt like I was missing on the "straight guy" experiences, y'know.

ROSS  
If being an asshole counts as "straight guy" experience, you're doing just fine.

CHANDLER  
(looks into the horizon)  
Ross, of all people, is giving me a moral lesson and now I'm feeling horrible...

The door opens, Joey enters the front door. He appears tired.

JOEY  
Hey guys.

CHANDLER  
Oh, hi, Joe. Did something happen? You never work late.

JOEY  
I just stopped by at Monica's after work, I was helping Rachel find a girl.

He walks to the sofa and collapses.

JOEY

I'm exhausted.

Chandler walks from the kitchen table to the sofa. Picks Joey's legs to give space for himself and puts them on his lap when he sits. He takes his phone.

CHANDLER  
Well, it's your lucky day, because I've downloaded all Die Hard movies illegally for us to binge.

ROSS  
(walks from the kitchen, sits on the arm of the sofa)  
Am I invited?

CHANDLER  
No, not really.

JOEY  
Ah, too bad, dude. I think that tonight I'll just go over to Laurel's, die hard on top of her dildo and then sleep.

ROSS  
(screams with wide eyes)  
Dildo?

CHANDLER  
Die hard? You need to stop trying to make jokes, Joe.

JOEY  
Uh, Laurel's my new girlfriend, if anyone's interested, and come on, Ross! It's the 21st century, everybody has butt sex, man!

ROSS  
Yeah... But the other way around.

JOEY  
If God wanted butt sex to be the other way around, then god would've given women a prostate and not men.

ROSS  
God didn't make dildos.

JOEY  
God made humans, who made dildos.

CHANDLER  
(looks up from his phone, says in a sarcastic tone)  
Guys, if everything is a dildo if you're brave enough; and God made everything, does that mean that all god's makings are dildos?

ROSS  
God is not a pervert!

JOEY  
No one's a pervert for liking dildos.

ROSS  
(laughs sarcastically)  
God does NOT like dildos! I just find it funny, Joey, that conveniently, now you're religious?

JOEY  
I am religious when it suits me.

ROSS  
That's not even a good thing!

JOEY  
Okay, then. Let's talk science. I don't want you complaining to me when you're old and get prostate cancer.

ROSS  
What does sex have to do with cancer?

JOEY  
Uh... When you eat too much fat, your heart gets mad at you and your cells like... Rebel against you. And you get cancer, right?

ROSS  
NO! That is...

CHANDLER  
(shushes Ross)  
Yes! Keep going.

JOEY  
It's the same thing with your prostate! If you don't give it a good time, if you know what I mean, then the cells will eventually turn against you and you will have cancer.

ROSS  
That is not how cancer works.

JOEY  
You're the doctor, you tell me.

ROSS  
I am telling you, that's not how cancer works! Chandler, can you back me up here?

CHANDLER  
Uh...

JOEY  
Come on! The man is basically a virgin.

CHANDLER  
Uh, boys. Why don’t we just... Chill on the butt stuff?

ROSS  
No, Chandler. I understand why you don't think Joey's macho enough.

JOEY  
What?

CHANDLER  
What?

ROSS  
That's right, he doesn't want to ask you to go to the stripper club with him because he doesn't think you're macho enough!

JOEY  
(to Chandler)  
And you're macho enough???

CHANDLER  
Ross, why are you saying that? I mean, dude...  
(nervous laugh)  
Keep me out of your mess.

JOEY  
You know what?

  
He kicks Chandler's legs with his feet, stands up and walks towards the door. He opens the door and screams from there:

JOEY  
I'm off to see my hot, lovely, supermodel girlfriend and her _huge_ strap-on.

He slams the door shut.

CHANDLER  
(to Ross)  
What is wrong with you?

ROSS  
I think... my masculinity is fragile too.

CHANDLER  
First, I hate you. Second, welcome to the club, we should stay here and not cry together.

Ross nods. The scene fades with both of them sitting on the sofa in silence looking miserable.

DISSOLVE TO:

  
INT. COFFEE HOUSE. THE OTHER DAY. NIGHT.

  
Phoebe, Monica, Joey, and Rachel are hanging out at the coffee house.

RACHEL  
(clapping her hands in excitement)  
And so... We went out on the snow and she put her arm around me!

PHOEBE  
And...?

RACHEL  
And she kissed me! Guys, I was kissed by a girl! And her lips are so soft! How can lips be so soft?

MONICA  
Yeah, girls' lips are so softer.

PHOEBE  
And guys‘ lips are rougher! Wish I could try both at the same lips...

RACHEL  
Now when I think about the guys I’ve kissed, it’s like I was kissing rocks... I don’t know, I can’t even think of them as lips anymore.

JOEY  
I’m with Phoebe, I think that having both at the same time would be like... Kissing an orgasm.

MONICA  
A ”petit mort” on the lips. I guess no one would survive to kiss and tell!

JOEY  
(pronounces it as if it was English)  
Petit mort?

MONICA  
It means “A little death” and also means “orgasm”. It’s actually the only French expression I know

JOEY  
How can it mean these two things at the same time? You will never know if the person you're with is having a good time or if you're murdering them by mistake.

PHOEBE  
I guess the Frenchys like it rough.

RACHEL  
Guys, can we get back to me?

JOEY  
Uh, sure, Rach! So, did you get laid?

RACHEL  
Was I supposed to?

MONICA  
Of course not. You're not... Supposed to! Shut it, Joey!

  
Chandler enters the coffee house, he sits on the chair next to the sofa.

PHOEBE

Oh, hey, Chandler. We're just hearing that Rach did not get laid last night.

CHANDLER  
Yeah, that's cool. Joe, I was worried about you, you gotta answer my texts, dude.

JOEY  
Why you think that I need your manly protection? You are so right, Chandler. I am helpless without you.

RACHEL  
Guys??

MONICA  
Was it just me who just heard Joey being sarcastic?

CHANDLER  
(directly to Joey)  
Let's take this home, uh?

JOEY  
You don't want the girls to hear that you're the most horrible friend in the world?

MONICA  
Did he eat the last piece of pizza you left on the fridge again?

JOEY  
A bit worse than that!

PHOEBE  
(screams)  
Oh my god, Chandler. What did you do?

MONICA  
You killed his mom or something?

CHANDLER  
(stands up, tries to bring Joey by the sleeve, points to the door)  
Come on, Joe. Let's talk it out.

JOEY  
(pushes his hands away)  
Uh, if you guys wanna know, Chandler here thinks I'm not macho enough to go to a stripper club with him.

RACHEL  
Chandler thinks you're not macho enough??? I'm confused.

CHANDLER  
Exactly, that makes no sense! Com'on Joe, I'm an idiot.

PHOEBE  
But you guys go to the stripper club together all the time!

JOEY  
Exactly! That's why I have a theory that Chandler is going completely crazy, and we should hospitalize him.

CHANDLER  
Alright! I wasn't gonna say that in front of everyone, because to me that's a complete embarrassment, but my whole existence is already a complete embarrassment, so who cares, right? The thing is, I am too... Sensitive about this "man stuff", y'know? And somedays are just more difficult than others. And you're so confident, it stresses me out. You kind of... reminds me of my dad sometimes.

JOEY  
(still coping)  
Okay... So I remind you of the one person you always say you hate?

PHOEBE  
What a Freudian nightmare!

JOEY  
(to Phoebe, completely confused)  
What?

MONICA  
(to Chandler)  
Nah, I guess it's just an episode of your toxic masculinity affecting your relationship with your  
(says slowly)  
bisexual friend.

CHANDLER  
More like toxic _lack_ of masculinity.

Everyone nods in agreement.

PHOEBE  
Oh, I get it now. Chandler hates his dad, who's gay, and Joey is kinda gay too! Thank you for the tip, Mon.

RACHEL  
(whispers to Phoebe)  
His dad is gay?

CHANDLER  
That’s one rude accusation and come on, Joe. You know it's not that. You know fuckin' well it's not! Look... Go to the club with me tomorrow. Just the two of us. We're gonna work things out.

JOEY  
Okay...

CHANDLER  
Best buds, right?

JOEY  
(in a sad tone)  
Yeah, best buds.

DISSOLVE TO:

  
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT. MORNING.  
Monica is sitting at the kitchen table, wearing her working clothes. She has a cup of coffee and a toast in hands. Rachel leaves her room, wearing a pink robe.

RACHEL  
Hi, mon.

MONICA  
Hey, sweetie. How are you doing?

RACHEL  
I'm good, yeah.

MONICA  
Good.

RACHEL  
Actually, Mon. I really wanted to talk to you.

MONICA  
No need to announce, honey. Spill it out!

RACHEL  
Okay... Stela and I have a date tonight, and I'm thinking about asking her to... Hang out here afterward...

MONICA  
Okay... That's nice. Are you excited or what? That's a huge deal.

RACHEL  
(giggles soundly)  
Yeah, and I kind of have some doubts about y'know...

MONICA  
Just say it, I'm here for you.

RACHEL  
I don't know... how do I know if I should... Wax or not.

MONICA  
(chokes a little on her coffee)  
I wasn't expecting that... Okay, uh... You do as you like, I guess.  
  
It's one hundred percent your choice.

RACHEL  
But what she doesn't like my choice and decide to break up with me?

MONICA  
Rachel, she will not not have sex with you because of that. And honestly, this should really be your choice, not anybody else's.

RACHEL  
Monica, you don't understand. My... Sexual needs are... deprived. I really need this.

MONICA  
Well, okay then...

  
A few seconds of silence. Monica keeps on eating, Rachel pours coffee for herself.

MONICA  
Uh... You know, I'm going out with someone too... It's a guy.

RACHEL  
Oh? Monica... That's great! I am so happy for you. So, uh, what his name, what does he do?

MONICA  
... He's a dentist.

RACHEL  
Okay, sounds stable. And where did you meet?

MONICA  
At the... Dentist office.

RACHEL  
So, he's your dentist.

Monica nods sipping on her coffee.

RACHEL  
And since when have you been dating your dentist?

MONICA  
Remember that time when I almost cried because of tooth pain?

RACHEL

Yeah...?

  
MONICA  
Well, I was his last patient that day, so he bought me ice cream afterward. I think that was... Our first date.

RACHEL  
(excited)  
How romantic, Mon. I am so happy for you.

MONICA  
You are?

RACHEL  
Yeah, we should have a double date sometime... Stella and I, you and the hot dentist... What's his name again? Did you say?

MONICA  
Yeah, sure.  
(start taking the plate out of the table)  
Look, Rachel, I have to head out to work now.

RACHEL  
Okay, you have a nice day.

  
Monica sends her a half-hearted smile and heads to the door. As soon as the door closes, Rachel takes her phone out. At the side of the screen, there's a screen-mirror showing her cell phone screen to the audience. She opens the search app and types: " How do I know if I should wax or not".

DISSOLVES TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE THE STRIPPER CLUB. NIGHT.

  
Chandler and Joey are outside the stripper club, there's a huge line at the door, they're in the middle of it.

CHANDLER  
So, Joe. I'm gonna get so pissed tonight, you have no idea.

JOEY  
(excited)  
Yeah, dude. Me too...

CHANDLER  
We're almost at the door and I'm feeling more manly already.

JOEY  
Dude... Being at a stripper club just means you're at a stripper club. It changes nothing in you.

CHANDLER  
See? That's why I didn't want to bring you.

JOEY  
(looks down sadly)  
Oh...

CHANDLER  
(laughs loudly)

Kidding!

Joey doesn't react.

CHANDLER  
Dude, I was kidding! You know I was kidding. A joke! A kidding joke!

JOEY  
(still with no reaction)  
Yeah, sure.

  
Chandler hugs him in desperation.

CHANDLER  
Dude, dude, dude, I love you. I love you. Please react.

JOEY  
(smiles and tries to push him away)  
Okay, okay. Let me go now!

CHANDLER  
'Not letting you go until you say you love me too.

JOEY  
Come on! It's our turn, we're holding the line!

CHANDLER  
Alright!

Chandler starts walking towards the security guard, bringing Joey with him in a teddy bear hug.

SECURITY

(looks unconcerned)  
ID?

  
Chandler takes his own ID from his wallet and gives it to the guard.

JOEY  
Chandler, I can't reach for my wallet. You have to let me go.

CHANDLER  
I gotcha.

Puts his hand in the pocket of Joey's coat, tries to find the wallet, he doesn't find it until Joey gets impatient and screams.

JOEY  
Of course I fucking love you, man! Let go of me.

  
Chander lets go of him, and as if it never happened, he hands him the wallet.

CHANDLER  
There you have it, good sir.

  
Joey rolls his eyes, take the wallet and gives his ID to the guard, who still looks like he couldn't care less about the whole situation.

DISSOLVE TO:

  
EXT. OUTSIDE THE STRIPPER CLUB. LATER THAT NIGHT.

  
Both Chandler and Joey leave the club together, they start wandering about the streets. They both look very drunk, and neither of them can walk straight.

JOEY  
Man, I'm so wasted.

CHANDLER  
Yeah, me too. How are we even getting home?

JOEY  
I don't know, let's just enjoy the moment, uh?

  
A few seconds of them walking dramatically drunk pass by. Until Chandler stops his pace.

CHANDLER  
Hey, Joe?

Joey stops as well.

JOEY  
Yeah?

 

  
CHANDLER  
Walking like this is so tiring. Can we stop acting like we were drunk, now? I didn't drink, I know you didn't either.

JOEY  
(sighs visibly in relief)  
Oh, man. I'm so glad you said that. Rule number one of stripper clubs: Never get drunk at stripper clubs, right?

CHANDLER  
Yeah, of course. You don't wanna get mugged. It's impossible to get home from here if you don't have your wallet.

JOEY  
I actually do that because I like to be sober to enjoy the girls, y'know?

CHANDLER  
(frowns)  
Oh, yeah. Totally. That's my... Second reason.

They walk straight in the streets for a few seconds.

CHANDLER  
Hey, Joe?

JOEY  
Yeah?

CHANDLER  
I'm sorry again for being an asshole with you. I mean, I got called out by Ross for being an asshole!

JOEY  
(laughs soundly)  
By Ross? God, Chandler. That was something.

CHANDLER  
I just don't want you thinking that I acted like an asshole because you like guys.  
(starts talking faster and faster)  
I think it's awesome that you like guys! I love that you love guys! Everyone should love guys! I love guys!

JOEY  
(frowns, confused)  
You do?

CHANDLER  
Yeah, I'm a guy. I love myself.

JOEY  
(even more confused)  
You do?

CHANDLER  
Sometimes, yes.

JOEY  
(smiles)  
That's good to know.

More silence as they walk.

JOEY  
Why did you act like an asshole then?

CHANDLER  
Because I'm an asshole, I guess.

JOEY  
Yes, obviously. But why?

CHANDLER  
I don't know. I - It's not you, okay? I just have to figure myself out, I guess.

AFter he says that, Joey smiles and pats him on the shoulder.

JOEY  
Let's get home.

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. CHANDLER'S AND JOEY'S APARTMENT. MOMENTS LATER.

They enter the apartment. Joey breaks the silence as he puts the keys on the kitchen table.

JOEY  
Man, I'm not even tired. Sleeping before 2 am on a Friday night is such a waste!

CHANDLER  
What do you say we binge-watch those Die hard movies I downloaded _illegally_?

JOEY  
(looks genuinely excited)  
Now you're talking my language.

CHANDLER  
No funny jokes about dying hard on dildos?

JOEY  
No, not right now.  
(sideways smile)  
Maybe later.

  
Chandler chuckles, and walks past him towards his room.

CHANDLER  
I'll just change into pajamas then.

The camera stays on Joey.

JOEY  
( from the kitchen)  
Man, I'm still not used to the fact that you own pajamas!

CHANDLER  
(screams from his room)  
And I'm still not used to the fact that you barely own underwear!

  
Joey shrugs, starts walking towards his own room to get changed too, he closes the door. The camera stays filming the two doors closed. They start talking each from their rooms.

  
CHANDLER  
Hey, Joe?

JOEY  
Yeah?

  
CHANDLER  
If I give you pajamas for Christmas you'd have to deal with the fact that you own pajamas.

JOEY  
That would be really mean, man!

CHANDLER  
Yeah, I think I'm doing that.

  
Then, the camera switches to the front door, it opens and Monica walks in wearing a sleeping gown, she looks tired and upset. She walks towards the living room and sits on the sofa

CHANDLER  
(still from the room)  
Joey?

  
JOEY  
Yeah?

  
CHANDLER  
Keep some boxers on, please?

JOEY  
Not now that I know I'm getting torture for Christmas!

  
The two of them open the doors and walk out at the same time. Chandler wearing long fluffy pajamas and Joey wearing a robe. They stop on their places as they see Monica.

  
JOEY  
Hey, Mon.

MONICA  
(in a sad tone)  
Hi...

CHANDLER  
We should start locking the door, Joey! For all we know she could be a murderer!

MONICA  
I am not a murderer, Chandler!

CHANDLER  
That's what I'd say if I was a murderer.

MONICA  
Yeah, right. What are you guys doing here anyway? I thought you'd be out clubbing.

CHANDLER  
So, you're more like a burglar caught in the act?

Joey starts walking to the sofa, he sits next to her.

JOEY  
We arrived early and now we're going to watch Die Hard.

Chandler walks to the sofa and sits on her other side.

CHANDLER  
And you're joining us, of course.

MONICA  
Sure! I don't want to be in the middle, though. There's a hole in the middle of this sofa.

JOEY  
Chandler likes the middle 'cause he... Y'know...

MONICA  
What?

CHANDLER  
Yes, I like the middle, no need to say the reason why.

Still, Monica glances at Joey, expecting an answer.

JOEY  
(whispers to Monica)  
He has a fat butt.

  
CHANDLER  
(insufferable)  
Let's just switch!

  
Monica shrugs, they switch places.

JOEY  
Mon, uh... Before we start the movie. Do you want to talk about... The reason why you're here?

CHANDLER  
We can not talk about it too, if you don't want to.

MONICA  
OH, I was peacefully sleeping at home when some loud sex noises woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep.

JOEY  
Rachel's sex noises? That went faster then I expected. OH, man! now I owe Phoebe money!

MONICA  
Yeah... Too bad for you.

JOEY  
And... You're upset that Rachel has a girlfriend...?

CHANDLER  
That isn't you?

MONICA  
I mean, uh... This one night when she moved in she asked me if she could ask me out someday and I said yes. So, I guess I was just waiting for it to happen and then it didn't!

JOEY  
So, she does like you back?

MONICA  
I thought so! But now it's like she doesn't. I mean, this morning I even made a guy up and lied about dating him and she was happy for me! She didn't even stutter!

CHANDLER  
Maybe it's for the best? I mean, If I had a super hot roommate...

JOEY  
You have a super hot roommate!

CHANDLER  
(rolls his eyes and continues)  
And I had feelings for her I probably wouldn't act on them because it's just too complicated! And... Uh... We're all Rachel has right now, Mon. Maybe it wouldn't be good for her if it got... complicated.

MONICA  
Yeah, I guess you're right.

JOEY  
Bullshit! You live together, so what? If you like her, act on it!

MONICA  
I mean, it is complicated!

JOEY  
Yeah, yeah, you're roommates. That means you're already one step ahead! Lesbians move in together in no time anyways!

MONICA  
That is just so stereotypical, Joey.

JOEY  
Some stereotypes exist for a reason, and the reason is... Because they're true.

MONICA  
This one is not!

  
Chandler then stands up and gets a pen drive from the drawer below the tv, puts it behind the tv, gets the remote control and puts the movie on.

CHANDLER  
There we have it, die-hard to make us forget about our fucked up lives.

MONICA  
Let's do this.

  
Chandler turns off the lights and returns to his sit. A few seconds go by, of all of them watching the movie in silence.

JOEY  
(whispers to Chandler)

Hey, Chan?

CHANDLER  
(whispers back)  
Yeah?

JOEY  
Can we die hard on...

CHANDLER  
Please, don't say it.

JOEY  
Cuddles now?

  
Chandler sighs in relief, pushes him slightly on the arm and smiles.

CHANDLER  
Yeah, man. Sure. Come here.

  
Joey lies his head on Chandler's shoulder. As soon as Monica sees that happening, she lies her head on the other shoulder. As that happens, with the three of them cuddled up, the scene...

FADES OUT.  
CUT TO CREDITS.  
POST CREDIT SCENE:

INT. COFFEE HOUSE. MORNING.

  
Everyone but Rachel is sitting in the coffee shop chatting.

ROSS  
So, the baby's name is probably going to be Beethoven.

MONICA  
Beethoven?

JOEY  
Like the dog in the movie?

ROSS  
NO, like the genius pianist!

MONICA  
But isn't Beethoven his last name?

ROSS  
I know, but my son can't be called Ludwig!

PHOEBE  
I think Ludwig's a great name.

JOEY

It's better than a dog's name.

  
Rachel enters the coffee house with a woman, she's about her height, she has dark hard and green eyes. They approach the sofa.

RACHEL  
Hey, everybody. Uh, I want you guys to meet my girlfriend Stella. Stella, this is everybody. Uh, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler.

STELLA  
Nice to meet you guys.

EVERYBODY  
Yeah!... Me too!... Sit down!... Let me order you a coffee.

  
As they all say hello to her, Joey discreetly passes Phoebe 50 dollars, Phoebe quickly puts it in her pocket.

JOEY  
So, Stella.

  
STELLA  
Oh, hey... Joey, right?

JOEY  
Yeah, just one quick question.

STELLA  
Sure.

JOEY  
When do you think it's okay for a couple to move in together after they started dating? Like, the shortest time?

STELLA  
(frowns)  
Oh... I don't know, maybe after... 3 months?

  
As she says that, Joey looks with acknowledgment at Chandler and Monica, widening his eyes towards them. Monica rolls her eyes dramatically and Chandler just nods, like he understood what Joey just did. With that the scene...

  
FADES OUT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I went too far with the jokes in this one, I should stop watching so much Peep Show.  
> Also, I thought it would be convenient to let you guys know that I'm a Brit, so if it seems to you that they're British and not American, that's my fault. I'm trying my best though. 
> 
> Please, don't forget to let me know what you think about this episode.  
> Opinions, ideas, they're all welcome!
> 
> At last, you can find me on tumblr! It's @b-ismillah.


	4. The one with the fake toothache

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monica really needs to find a dentist to date, and Chandler wants to prove that he could get a Brian (if he were into guys).

FADE IN:

  
INT. CHANDLER'S JOB BREAKROOM. AFTERNOON.

  
Chandler is sitting on the table, by himself, he is eating yogurt, playing with the spoon like a child. When someone enters the room he immediately stops.

SHELLEY  
Hello, Chandler. How's it going?

CHANDLER  
Y'know, yogurt for lunch because I couldn't get myself to really make anything this morning and I'm too lazy to leave the building to buy food.

SHELLEY  
Not familiar with delivery services?

CHANDLER  
OH, I didn't think of that. Too late now.

She approaches him on the table.

SHELLEY  
Alright, question: You're not dating anyone, right? Because I met someone who would be just perfect for you.

CHANDLER  
Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'...

SHELLEY  
Fancy a date on Friday?

CHANDLER  
If you'd be so kind...

SHELLEY  
Okay, you know, he is so smart and attractive, and I think you'd go days nonstop talking about things...

CHANDLER

He's a he?

SHELLEY  
Well... Yeah?  
(she puts her hands on her face)  
Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I got it all wrong, I'm so so so sorry, Chandler.

CHANDLER  
(he doesn't show much expression like he didn't mind the misunderstanding)  
Nah, it's no bother. I'm not into guys, that's all.

SHELLEY  
(chuckles)  
Yeah, right.

  
DISSOLVE TO OPENING CREDITS  
FADE IN:

  
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT. LATER.  
The scene cuts to Chandler's face, he doesn't seem so chill anymore. Everyone is sitting in the living room listening to his story.

CHANDLER  
Can you believe she actually thought that?

ROSS  
So what? I thought you were gay when I first met you.

CHANDLER  
What?

ROSS  
Yeah, dude. No biggie.

CHANDLER  
Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me?

RACHEL  
Kinda...?

PHOEBE  
Yeah, I think so... Yeah.

MONICA  
I thought that maybe... You know...

JOEY  
I thought you were... But you know, I asked how you were doing the first time we hung out and you just said you were okay, so I figured you were straight and we were just hanging out as friends.

PHOEBE  
(offers him a high five, he takes it.)  
Master of deduction.

CHANDLER  
You thought we were on a DATE the first time we hung out?

JOEY  
Yeah?? You got me really confused.

MONICA  
Joey, but you never go out with guys, y'know, like Chandler.

CHANDLER  
Now I don't only look gay to all the girls but I'm also unattractive? I'm really figuring myself out tonight.

MONICA  
I wasn't going to say that.

PHOEBE  
Give her a break, Chandler. She meant that Joey usually goes out with confident, nice guys.

JOEY  
(to Chandler)  
Come on, dude. You ARE nice.

CHANDLER  
Yeah, right. But my self-loathing personality just crosses me out, right?

MONICA  
Look, what's the surprise? It's not like you didn't know people tend to think you're not straight.

CHANDLER  
I thought it was a way you guys had of mocking me because of my fragile sense of masculinity!

RACHEL  
I mean, you do have a quality...

JOEY  
Yes, a quality.

PHOEBE  
I mean, I have an amazing gaydar and it just went right at you bipping! I'm a witch, Chandler. It's not every day that I get those things wrong.

RACHEL  
Phoebe! There's no such thing as gaydar.

PHOEBE  
Yeah, right. I sensed your lesbianism the moment you entered that coffee house wearing a wedding dress.

Rachel rolls her eyes, as soon as she does that her phone starts ringing.

RACHEL  
It's Stella, it's Stella! Everyone shut up.

CHANDLER  
You know you can take that on the balcony, right?

RACHEL

Shush!

She takes the phone call, stands up from the sofa and starts walking around in front of the tv.

RACHEL  
Hey, there, sweetie... I'm here with everyone...  
(she holds her hold out to them)  
Everyone say hi to Stella.

Everyone responds without much enthusiasm.

RACHEL  
(puts the phone back on the ear)  
We miss you so, so much.

The camera focuses on their faces, they're all cringy, but Rachel doesn't notice.

RACHEL  
How's Quebec?... I wish I'd be there to hear you speaking French on a daily basis... Alright... That's amazing!... I'm gonna talk to her... Okay... bye-bye, send me pictures.

She puts the phone down.

CHANDLER  
Good, now would you mind not being in front of the tv?

JOEY  
(screams, gesticulating with his arms dramatically)  
Yes, woman. Please.

She returns to her sit.

RACHEL  
So, Monica.

MONICA  
Yeah?

RACHEL  
Stella was saying that we should schedule that double date of ours for next Friday. What do you think?

ROSS  
Double date? Monica's not dating anyone.

RACHEL  
She is! She's dating her hot dentist.

ROSS  
(makes a face of disgust, says to Monica)  
Doctor Smith??? You're dating doctor Smith? He is not hot.

MONICA  
Ross, you're just... UH...

CHANDLER  
(screams to try to change the subject)  
Rachel! Why Monica and her... dentist, and not Janice and I??

RACHEL  
You're not exactly a couple, are you?

CHANDLER  
Uh, we're dysfunctional, not exactly exclusive, but we are a couple... Sometimes.

JOEY  
Meaning, he really needs to get laid and Janice is the only fling he has because he is too lazy to meet new people.

CHANDLER  
If by 'lazy' you mean 'socially awkward', that's true.

RACHEL  
I'm not taking Stella to meet Janice! I don't want to scare her away.

CHANDLER  
Okay, now that's getting offensive.

ROSS  
Chandler, it's just that her voice... Her... personality. It's just a lot to take!

RACHEL  
Alright! Alright! So, Mon. It's a date, right? Awesome! I have to head out now. See you guys later.

  
She stands up quickly and leaves the house. Ross shrugs, and goes to the kitchen, Phoebe follows him in silence. Only Chandler, Joey and Monica stay on the sofa.

MONICA  
(to them)  
So that's what she meant that day when she asked if it would be okay to ask me out someday.

They nod, Joey pats her on the shoulder.

MONICA  
(sighs loudly)  
I should've said no.

She looks back at the kitchen, and then at the two friends next to her.

MONICA  
(loud for everyone to hear)  
Guys?

ROSS AND PHOEBE  
Yeah?

MONICA  
I need to find a dentist to date.

CUT TO:

INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT. A FEW MOMENTS LATER.  
Every single one of them is back on the living room, they have laptops, and phones in hands. They all look focused.

CHANDLER  
Why didn't you say you were dating, I don't know, a go-go boy? It would be easier for us.

PHOEBE  
A go-go boy?

ROSS  
Chandler is really stuck in the 80s.

CHANDLER  
I'm just familiar with the word! My dad used to be one.

JOEY  
(sideways smile towards Chandler)  
Nice...

PHOEBE  
SHUT UP, everyone. I found something.

Everyone gathers up behind her, to look at the computer screen.

PHOEBE  
The American Dental Association is having a conference in New York tomorrow.

MONICA  
Okay... So...?

PHOEBE  
We could sneak in, find someone hot, get their card, make you an appointment, and then you can go and seduce them on time for your date next Friday.

Everyone looks impressed.

ROSS  
You came up with all that in, like, 10 seconds?

PHOEBE  
How many times am I going to have to tell you guys that I'm a literal witch?

MONICA  
You mean, figuratively?

PHOEBE  
No, I mean literally.

MONICA  
So we have a plan!

ROSS  
I still think it would be easier to ask doctor Smith out.

MONICA  
Ross! He is like 60.

ROSS  
Exactly!

CHANDLER  
It _would_ be easier for him to say yes...

  
The scene chimes in with them returning to do the things they were doing before the "investigation".

DISSOLVE TO:

  
INT. CHANDLER'S JOB BREAKROOM. THE NEXT DAY.  
Chandler enters the room, Shelley is there.

CHANDLER  
Hey, there.

SHELLEY  
(sheepish)  
Hey. Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, I, um-

CHANDLER  
No, no, no! Don't be worked up about it! I don't mind. I mean, I have my fair share of gay friends, it's not like I'm homophobic or anything.

SHELLEY  
(she frowns loudly)  
You know that's not really a nice thing to say, really?

CHANDLER  
What? Why?

SHELLEY  
I know you're really not, but saying you're not homophobic because you have gay friends sounds just like those people who say that they can't be racist because they have a black partner, or that they can't be xenophobic because they let their child play with the Hispanic kid. It sounds problematic.

CHANDLER  
Oh... Yeah... I never thought about it that way. I'm -- sorry. I mean, yeah.  
(a few seconds of silence)  
So, what do you think it is about me?

SHELLEY  
What about you?

CHANDLER  
That made you think I looked gay...

SHELLEY  
I don't know... I guess you have a-a...

CHANDLER  
...Quality, yeah.

She nods.

SHELLEY  
Y'know... it's a shame because you and Lowell would've made a great couple.

CHANDLER  
Lowell? Lowell from accounting, that's who you saw me with?

SHELLEY  
What? He's cute!

CHANDLER  
He's not even a lawyer! He's an accountant!

SHELLEY  
And what's wrong with that?

CHANDLER  
I don't know, when you're dating an accountant, people just assume that you have no sex-drive and your relationship is boring.

SHELLEY  
(she actually laughs at that)  
Yeah, that's kind of true. And it's even more fun to hear that from a financial lawyer, of all people.

CHANDLER  
(tries not to look offended)  
Besides... He is no Brian from international law...

SHELLEY  
Oh, Brian's nice. I heard he turned single last month, poor thing. He even called in sick for a day or two.

CHANDLER  
My point is, if you were gonna set me up with someone, I'd like to think you'd set me up with someone like him.

SHELLEY  
Well, I think Brian's a little out of your league.

CHANDLER  
Excuse me? You don't think I could get a Brian? Because I could get a Brian... If I were... into men.

SHELLEY  
No, seriously. Have you seen his ex-boyfriend?

CHANDLER  
Uh, no.

SHELLEY  
(takes her phone out to show him the guy's Instagram)  
Here, look.

  
He gets the phone and scrolls down.

CHANDLER  
Well, you know, just an average white guy.

SHELLEY  
With a Ph.D. on Chinese international trade. Look, it's on his bio.

CHANDLER  
Yeah, impressive. Still, I think I could get a Brian.

SHELLEY  
Yeah, If you say so.

CHANDLER  
No seriously, stop doing that. Do you want me to prove it to you or something?

SHELLEY  
What? Prove what?

CHANDLER  
I could ask him out, and if he says yes that you'll see that I could get a Brian.

SHELLEY  
You can't ask him out just to prove a point, Chandler. That's just mean. Unless... Unless you're... Y'know, into him.

CHANDLER  
I'm not, I'm really not.  
(he looks down at his phone)  
Shit, my lunch time is over and I haven't even eaten. You're at fault here.

  
He laughs forcefully and leaves the room in a hurry, sulking. Shelley is left alone in the room eating her salad, she shrugs and the scene dissolves.

DISSOLVE TO:

  
INT. THE DENTIST'S CONFERENCE HALL. MORNING.

  
Monica and Phoebe enter the large door of the conference. They are wearing long coats, scarfs, sunglasses, and large hats. The room is full of people socializing.

  
MONICA  
So, uh... What do we do now?

PHOEBE  
Now we spot some hotties. Let's walk around. Get some cards...

MONICA  
Okay, I've got this.

  
The scene revolves for a few seconds of both girls walking weirdly around with their long weird clothing, and people staring at them.

DISSOLVE TO:

  
INT. SAME PLACE. A WHILE LATER.

  
They meet at the same place as before.

MONICA  
(showing the cards she got)  
Look, I've...

PHOEBE  
NO, say no more. I've got your guy.

  
She holds up a card with his face on it, he's white and plain.

MONICA  
Who puts their faces on their business cards?

PHOEBE  
Hot people...

MONICA  
He is deadly hot.

PHOEBE  
Exactly, let's go.

  
She pulls her by the arm, out of the room.

DISSOLVE TO:

  
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT. LATER.

  
Monica and Phoebe are sitting exhausted, with their former extra layers of clothing all over the couch. Phoebe has her phone in hands.

PHOEBE  
My work's almost done. I'll just make the appointment now.

MONICA  
Great, you're an angel.

PHOEBE  
Tomorrow's good?

MONICA  
Yeah, by the end of the day?

PHOEBE  
Why?

MONICA  
Because I told Rachel that our first date happened when I was his last patient and he bought me ice cream. So, I'm trying to make the story match reality.

PHOEBE  
Smart...

MONICA  
(smiles proudly)  
I know...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. JOEY AND CHANDLER'S APARTMENT. SUNDOWN.  
Chandler arrives home from work, Joey is sitting down by the kitchen balcony.

JOEY  
Hi, man. What's up?

CHANDLER  
(he looks tired, he's looking down)  
Hey, Joe. I'm good, you know after a long day of helping big companies not to give their employees fair insurance and stuff.

JOEY  
Uh... I didn't know you did that.

CHANDLER  
I'm a financial lawyer, Joey, that's what I do, I'm what's wrong with the fuckin' world.

JOEY  
(he stands from his sit and goes toward him)  
Dude, are you alright?

CHANDLER  
No, not really.

Joey puts his hand on his shoulder and leads him to a chair.

JOEY  
Sit, I'm going to make you a sandwich.

Joey starts getting the things for the sandwich in the fridge and making it, meanwhile, Chandler starts talking.

JOEY  
Uh, in your defense, if you're only getting coffee to the bosses and revising documents, technically you're not the one doing the dirty work.

CHANDLER  
It's just that... I got promoted this afternoon.

JOEY  
Really? Uh- that's great, man. Congrats.

CHANDLER  
That means I get to do more than getting coffee and revising documents now. I'm doing... actual financial law work now, Joe.

JOEY  
And that makes you sad?

CHANDLER  
It's all I've been getting educated to do since... A long time ago.

JOEY  
Then you're good.

  
He hands Chandler a plate with his sandwich and sits beside him.

JOEY  
You do what you gotta do to pay the bills, right?

CHANDLER  
So do doctors, but they do it saving lives, not ruining dozens of them.

JOEY  
Look... Uh, I'm no expert, but uh... You're not ruining lives. You're just an employee, if you didn't do it, somebody else probably would. Besides, your insurance is probably fucked up too.

CHANDLER  
(he laughs a little, he takes a big bite on his sandwich)  
Some financial lawyer somewhere in this town is probably having a existential crisis for doing that to me.

JOEY  
Or maybe they don't have a soul anymore.

CHANDLER  
Thank god I still have one... Do I, though?

They laugh together for a few seconds.

JOEY  
Uh, Chandler.

CHANDLER  
Yeah?

JOEY  
Why did you choose financial law then?

CHANDLER  
Because my mom wanted me to go to law school, and so did I, I guess. But I was also really good at math, so I didn't want to waste any talents, 'cause I didn't think I had many.

JOEY  
(laughs)  
That's so you, man.

CHANDLER  
Thank you, Joe. Really, for everything. You're my best person.

JOEY  
Your best person?

CHANDLER  
Yeah, I thought "best friend" kind of lost impact 'cause we say it all the time.

Joey, chuckles, gets Chandler's plate and pats him on the shoulder on his way. With that the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

  
INT. A DENTIST OFFICE. AFTERNOON.

 

Monica enters the waiting room, she is slightly overdressed for the occasion. She sits down for a few seconds until a woman with a child leaves the office. And an attractive, tall, white man [the dentist], look at a paper than at her.

THE DENTIST  
Miss Geller?

MONICA  
(smiles flirty)  
That'd be me. You can call me Monica, though.

THE DENTIST  
I'm sorry, my secretary is on maternity leave, I'm on my own here. It's a bit confusing.

MONICA  
It's alright.

THE DENTIST  
Do come in.

  
The scene follows her into the room. She's now sitting on the dental chair.

THE DENTIST  
So, what brings you here?

MONICA  
Uh- I've been having some trouble sleeping these days because of toothache.

THE DENTIST  
Alright, I'll have a look.

  
She opens her mouth, a few seconds of awkward silence go by until she starts trying to talk, but she only manages to say weird noises.

THE DENTIST  
Uh, Monica. There is nothing wrong with your teeth, from what I can see. Say I'll prescript you some painkillers, and if the pain keeps pushing, we'll have to do some tests.

He says that as he is writing the prescription, and hands it to her.

MONICA  
Uh, okay, thank you.

She stands up and starts walking to the door. But before she leaves she hesitates.

MONICA  
Doctor? I see you're... Packing. Uh, I don't want to be intrusive but... maybe we could head out together?

THE DENTIST  
Oh, OH! Sure, Monica. Just give me a minute.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE THE BUILDING. A FEW MOMENTS LATER.  
They're walking side by side with ice cream in hands.

  
MONICA  
So, go I need to call you Doctor out here?

THE DENTIST  
You do realize that almost no one  
calls dentists doctors, right?

MONICA  
Really?

THE DENTIST  
You're in luck that I actually have a Ph.D.

MONICA  
Fancy.

THE DENTIST  
So what do you do?

MONICA  
I'm a history teacher. I'm a shame, actually. I didn't find time to even get a master's degree since I graduated.

THE DENTIST  
Don't beat yourself up, life's expensive. Not everyone manages to go back to school.

MONICA  
Yeah...

THE DENTIST  
Look, Monica. Maybe we could, you know hang out a bit more, y'know, go out?

MONICA  
I'm so glad you said that. I'm going out with my friend and her girlfriend this Friday, and they're a bit clingy?? I hate third wheeling for them. Maybe I will be a little less desperate if I have a date.

THE DENTIST  
And I happen to be free on Friday.

MONICA  
Alright, then. Maybe I'll let you come along.

  
A car pulls over next to them.

MONICA  
My uber's here.

THE DENTIST  
You have my number.

She opens the door to the car.

THE DENTIST  
Hey, Monica? You can call me Pete.

MONICA  
(smiles)  
Goodbye, doctor.

The car leaves. The scene fades with him holding his ice cream, looking stunned.

DISSOLVE TO:

  
INT. JOEY AND CHANDLER'S APARTMENT. LATER.

  
Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are at the kitchen making dinner and humming to Britney Spears' Toxic. Monica enters the room in a hurry, and fastly starts dancing along to the song.

  
MONICA  
Guess who's got a date on Friday with a hot dentist called Pete. Who happens to be really gentle and funny?

JOEY  
(wides his eyes)  
Noooo!! You made it?

MONICA  
Yes!!

CHANDLER  
Of course she did, look at her.

MONICA  
Chandler?? I'm flatted.

PHOEBE  
You guys are so naive, she made it because I cursed her into doing so.

MONICA  
(she crosses the room and kisses Phoebe on the cheeks)  
Thank you, thank you, thank you for being a witch.

  
She gets a half cut tomato on the balcony and starts cutting it. Everyone gets back to cooking and humming along to the song.

CHANDLER  
(whispers to Monica)  
So, we're unironically believing the fact that she's a witch now?

  
She just shrugs, and he also lets it be. The scene fades as they chime in humming and cooking in silence.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CHANDLER'S OFFICE. FRIDAY  
Again, Chandler's at the breakroom. Lowell enters the room.

  
CHANDLER  
Hey, Lowell.

LOWELL  
Hi, Chandler.

CHANDLER  
So, how's it hanging in accounting?

LOWELL  
Lots of paychecks, y'know. what about you, I heard you got promoted.

CHANDLER  
Yeah, it's been uh- great. Listen, I don't know what Shelley told you but I wanted to apologize for that whole misunderstanding.

LOWELL  
Misunderstanding?

CHANDLER  
Yeah, y'know, her trying to set us up... Together.

LOWELL  
(he laughs, embarrassed)  
Oh, I wasn't aware of that. But don't worry, she keeps trying to set me up with every gay man in this office.

CHANDLER  
The thing is... uh...

LOWELL  
(ignores completely what Chandler just said)  
Have you heard that Brian from international law is single again? Too bad I can't even complete a sentence when I'm talking to him.

CHANDLER  
I mean, he's way out of your league.

LOWELL  
He's out of your league.

CHANDLER  
Out of my league? I could get a Brian.

LOWELL  
Yeah, right. I'm heading out. Good talk, man.

He leaves the room.  
Brian enters the room behind Chandler.

  
CHANDLER  
(loudly, to himself)  
If I wanted to get a Brian, I could get a Brian.

BRIAN  
Hi, Chandler.

CHANDLER  
OH, hey, Brian. Everything alright?

BRIAN  
Yeah...  
(he opens the breakroom fridge)  
I'm just here to... Get my lunch leftovers and head out for the weekend.

CHANDLER  
I'm here for a while, trying to get myself to actually stand up and go home, y'know?

BRIAN  
No plans for your first hours of freedom?

CHANDLER  
Not really... You?

BRIAN  
No... I just got ditched by my friends by text, actually.

CHANDLER  
Too bad, man. I'm sorry. Think that my friends didn't even bother asking me out.

BRIAN  
(laughs)  
Other people's misery doesn't make me feel better, Chandler.

CHANDLER  
It did make you laugh. Mission accomplished.

BRIAN  
(chuckles)  
Yeah... uh... If you don't really want to go home, I mean, I don't- We could grab a beer?

CHANDLER  
(wides his eyes as if he is realizing that he could get a Brian after all)  
Oh, OH. Uh, sure! Just the two of us?

BRIAN  
You wanna invite anyone else?

CHANDLER  
NO, no... Okay, I'll just grab my things at my desk.

BRIAN  
Sure...

As they leave the room together, the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

  
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT. LATER.

  
Rachel and Stella are both sitting on the sofa, close to one another, whispering sweet nothings to one another. Monica leaves her room, really dressed up.

MONICA  
Oh, hey, guys.

STELLA  
Mon, you look stunning.

MONICA  
Why, thank you. I bet you said that to every cute girl in Quebec.

STELLA  
I only say that to my girl here.  
(she squeezes Rachel's shoulder)  
Consider yourself an exception.

MONICA  
I'm flattered then.

RACHEL  
(smiling sweetly, she says in a joking tone)  
My girlfriend and my best friend flirting, what a great scene.

MONICA  
Be glad you got to be our audience, miss.

The doorbell rings.

RACHEL  
OH! That's the boyfriend, Monica go get that.

Monica walks over to the door, excited, and opens it.

MONICA  
Pete, hello.

PETE  
Monica, you look great. Really great, greek goddess great.

They kiss on the cheek.

MONICA  
Well, and I'm surprised to see you not in white. Come on in.

He enters the house.

MONICA  
So, Pete. This is Rachel - my roommate- and her girlfriend Stella.

RACHEL  
I'm glad to meet the dentist she's been talking so much about.

PETE  
(he frowns but goes along)  
And I'm glad to meet the couple she third wheels for.

  
Abruptly, Joey enters the house wearing sweatpants and a loose jumper. At first, he doesn't notice the guests.

JOEY  
(whining, he jumps on the sofa)  
Guys, Chandler's not back home, Ross doesn't answer my texts, Phoebe doesn't want to come over, I don't have a date for the night, I have nothing to do. I'm feeling so lonely, I need a hug.

MONICA  
(clears her throat loudly)  
Joey...

  
He looks up and sees the visits. Soon, he stands up and walks over to the guests.

RACHEL  
SO, Pete, this is the neighbor number 1, Joey.

MONICA  
He comes along with neighbor number 2 who just puts a touch of sarcasm in everything he does.

JOEY  
(stands his hand out to Pete)  
How you doin'?

PETE  
(confused)  
Uh, great, thank you.

JOEY  
(looks disappointed, keeps on sulking)  
Monica, can you please stop bringing straight men into this house?

On his way back to the sofa, he hugs Stella and gives her a kiss on the cheek.

JOEY  
Stella, you look lovely.

He lies on the sofa with his belly down.

STELLA  
(to Pete)  
Joey's just sulking. He's usually a nice person to get along with.

RACHEL  
Alright, sweeties. We really have to head out now, or we will lose our reservations.

They all start leaving, the scene fades with Joey laying down on the sofa.

DISSOLVES TO:

  
INT. A PUB. ABOUT THE SAME TIME.

  
Chandler and Brian are sitting in one of the tables, with huge beer glasses, they're talking and laughing, with their ties loose.

CHANDLER

So, that's what I think: the left supporting dictatorships to fight imperialism, now, is just as wrong as the right in the 60s supporting dictatorships to fight, so-called, communism.

BRIAN  
The thing is, imperialism is the whole reason why they want to overthrow Maduro's regime. It is not about democracy, it's about oil.

CHANDLER  
I know, Brian, but do you think people in Venezuela really care about the reasons? They are literally starving to death, being thrown in jails by their own government.

BRIAN  
So, because of that, the US government has the right to intervene and start a never-ending war in their country, as we did in the middle east after the Arab spring?

CHANDLER  
You do have a point, but y'see, we don't see Republicans holding on to the regime in... Saudi Arabia, for example. But us in the leftwing keep defending Maduro, and that's not good for us, for how people see our political beliefs, it pisses me off! That's why masses keep moving to the right.

Brian raises his eyebrows, and then his glass.

BRIAN  
Cheers to that.

CHANDLER  
Yeah, cheers.

BRIAN  
Y'know, that was kind of... hot...?

CHANDLER  
(wides his eyes)  
What? Why? Stop being straight forward.

BRIAN  
Y'know those people in movies who have heated arguments and then start making out? Like that.

CHANDLER  
We weren't arguing, we were discussing. It's different. Please, stop being straight forward.

BRIAN  
I know, still... Hot.

CHANDLER  
Okay, uh...  
(he gives a long sip on his beer)

BRIAN  
You know, my ex and I used to agree on everything, it was kind of boring.

CHANDLER  
Your ex?

BRIAN  
Yeah, he moved to China last month, he got transferred. Our relationship only worked out for like a week after that.

CHANDLER  
Yeah, I'm, uh, sorry. I- I don't really have anyone to discuss politics with. I have been holding on to those opinions for a while.

BRIAN  
Really? That sounds sad.

CHANDLER  
I mean, unless my 35 followers on twitter count.

BRIAN  
(laughs)  
Don't you have friends, Chandler?

CHANDLER  
I do! I do! They are great. But we don't really talk about this kinda stuff. Only, y'know, relationships, family, game of thrones... Adam Sandler.

BRIAN  
(snorts in surprise)  
Adam Sandler?

CHANDLER  
You'd be surprised with how many hours we've spent discussing his movies.

BRIAN  
God, how lucky are you to have me now?

  
Chandler takes another long sip on his beer, with that the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. A RESTAURANT. ABOUT THE SAME TIME.  
Rachel, Stella, Monica and Pete are sitting in a fancy restaurant, with smooth jazz music.

  
PETE  
So, Stella, you're from Quebec?

STELLA  
Yes... My parents moved in here when I was about 14 because my mom got this job. And we never really moved back.

RACHEL  
I don't understand how you can not live in Canada by choice.

STELLA  
Com'on, babe. My parents are here, besides... I like New York.

MONICA  
Canadians really are weird...

PETE  
(smiles slightly toward Monica)  
You are funny.

MONICA  
Thank you.

  
Stella and Rachel glance at one another, with a little suspicion.

STELLA  
So, how did you two meet?

PETE  
Monica had tooth pain.

MONICA  
Then we had ice cream.

PETE  
And here we are, am I right?

STELLA  
And how long have you two been dating?

PETE  
We're not really dating.

RACHEL  
Oh my god, aren't you?

  
Monica looks nervous, at her glass of water.

MONICA  
Aren't we, Pete?

PETE  
I don't know, we are?

MONICA  
I thought we were.

PETE  
Uh- okay. Then I guess we are.

  
They all fall into an awkward silence, looking down at their glasses of water.

DISSOLVE TO:

  
INT. A PUB. ABOUT THE SAME TIME.  
Chandler and Brian are the same place they were before, only this time they look way drunker, and they are sitting more relaxed on their chairs.

  
CHANDLER  
Do you ever just regret having chosen law?

BRIAN  
Not really, I... Actually like my job.

CHANDLER  
Why international law, though?

BRIAN  
I wanted to be a diplomat when I was in high school. But then, halfway in college, I figured I'd make more money working private.

CHANDLER  
(says dizzily)  
You'd be one good diplomat because diplomats have to look good to convince. Y'know, objectively speaking. No homo, dude.

Brian faces that as a joke, he laughs out loud.

BRIAN  
What about you, why financial?

CHANDLER  
I'm good at math.

BRIAN  
Only because of that?

CHANDLER  
I didn't even think about the moral impasses of this fuckin' job when I spent so many years of my life getting prepared to do it.

BRIAN  
Think positive, at least you're not an accountant.

CHANDLER  
(laughs lazily)  
I can't wait to marry rich already so I can quit this job.

BRIAN  
What are you going to be doing all week, then?

CHANDLER  
I'll be entertaining my 35 twitter followers with my political opinions and self-deprecating jokes.

BRIAN  
(chuckles)  
Sounds fun. I'll make sure to be your 36th.

With that, the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. A RESTAURANT. ABOUT THE SAME TIME.  
Back in the restaurants, the two couples now have plates on their table, they are alIntertainingl eating.

PETE  
So, yeah. My parents are progressive like that. They spent dedicated so much time being hippies that they didn't even realize that their son didn't want to be an artist. They got really mad at me for choosing to be a dentist.

RACHEL  
(whispers to Stella)  
Yeah, that seems to be his whole personality.

PETE  
Sorry, I didn't hear you.

RACHEL  
It was nothing.

STELLA  
What about your family, Rachel? We never really talked about it.

RACHEL  
Uh- Okay, uh- My dad's a doctor, my mom is more like a housewife... And...

MONICA  
(empathizes with her friend)  
Rachel and I are friends since we were, I don't know, 8 years old? We were neighbors back in our home town.

Rachel mimics a discreet 'thank you' towards her, and she nods.

MONICA  
My brother Ross - you gotta meet him, Pete- used to have this huge crush on her.

STELLA  
(laughs, says to Rachel)  
Oh my god, Ross had a crush on you?

RACHEL  
(laughs as well)  
I didn't know that either!

MONICA  
(hides her face behind her hands)  
Ross is gonna kill me now. Please don't tell him I said that.

The scene chimes in with the four of them laughing.

DISSOLVES TO:

  
EXT. OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT. LATER THAT NIGHT.  
The two couples are walking on the sidewalk. Rachel and Stella are walking hand in hand, really ahead of the other couple. Pete puts his hand on Monica's shoulder and stops walking, she does too.

  
PETE  
Maybe we should wrap our date up somewhere else, just the two of us? I know a nice pub nearby.

MONICA  
Look, Pete. That sounds great. But maybe you should go home? ... I really want to go home now.

PETE  
Oh? Okay. But I thought...

MONICA  
I'll call you, alright? You're great.

  
She gives him a quick kiss on the cheek and runs to catch up with Rachel and Stella. He stays behind in disbelief. The camera stays with him. Soon, he goes walking the other way. The camera cuts to the 3 women. Rachel looks back and sees Monica walking alone.

RACHEL  
Where's Pete?

MONICA  
He really had to go home. Pity, I was looking forward to him staying over.

They keep on walking.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT. A FEW MOMENTS LATER.  
Monica and Rachel come into the flat, the light is low. Rachel enters first, she opens the fridge to get water. The screen of Monica's phone lightens up, she looks at it. On the side of the scene, it shows the message she received. It's from Pete and it says "I don't understand, we had a great time together, you said we were dating on our first date, and then out of the sudden you were acting cold? Did I do something wrong?", then another text from him pops up, "Monica, I'm so sorry. Please answer me". She shrugs and puts her phone down. Then she sits at the table.

  
MONICA  
'Get me some water too?

RACHEL  
Sure, honey.

She hands her the glass.

MONICA  
Thank you.

RACHEL  
Hey, Mon. Thank you for backing me up back there. I don't think I'm ready to talk about this whole situation with my parents, with Stella.

MONICA  
Of course, anything for you.

RACHEL  
(she sits at the table as well)  
Y'know, I really, really, like Stella. I know we met on tinder but I think that if I was in the same crowd as her... My eyes would still be drawn to her, y'know?

MONICA  
I think I'd spot _you_ in a crowd, in any possible situation.

RACHEL  
Of course, you know me since we were children.

MONICA  
You know what I mean, Rach.

RACHEL  
Look, Mon. I-I want to apologize. For... For confusing you. I regret having said that... Thing that day.

MONICA  
Why? Rachel, say the words! I don't understand, why did you say you were into me like that and then you just dropped it forever?

RACHEL  
Monica, I was feeling sensitive that day, I was feeling abandoned, and unloved, and lost. I don't - You can't possibly hold that against me.

MONICA  
So, you don't really like me.

RACHEL  
It's not that I don't like you. It's just that I don't need you like that. I need you as my friend, Monica.

MONICA  
Why?? I'm not following.

RACHEL  
Look, the last time I talked to my mom she was fixing my hair and saying that she was proud of me for finding such a good husband, the last time I talked to daddy he said he never wanted to see me back home again if I kept living "this kind of lifestyle". It's like I'm living in some old movie, where the gay protagonist isn't allowed to be happy and ends up dying at the end. And the bad thing is that I get so angry when I see supportive families of queer young people on tv shows now, because I can't have that!

MONICA  
(puts her hand on her forearm)  
Honey, I'm- I'm sorry.

RACHEL  
And, Monica, I'm a waitress! I'd never afford rent in New York City if it wasn't for you. I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you. You're the only person I have. I can't lose that.

MONICA  
I'm not the only person you have. The others also love you so much.

RACHEL  
They came with you. I wouldn't have any of them if it wasn't for you.

MONICA  
Okay, I'm sorry. Rachel, I had no idea you felt that way.

RACHEL  
Monica, girlfriends break up. Friendships are forever. I need you forever. I- need you as my friend.

Monica stands up and hugs her tightly.

MONICA  
I'm so sorry, I'm so selfish. I can be your friend. I'll be whoever you need me to be.

RACHEL  
Thank you, I love you.

MONICA  
I love you too, honey.

  
They hug for a few seconds. Then Monica steps back.

MONICA  
I think Stella is a hottie, by the way. She is so sweet, too.

RACHEL  
And you - you should keep on going out with Pete. I like him.

MONICA  
Thank you.

  
As that happens, Joey's head pops up from behind the couch, he looks very sleepy.

JOEY  
Can you guys keep that down? Some people in this house want to have some sleep.

They laugh in surprise, with that the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

  
INT. A SUBWAY STATION. LATER THAT NIGHT.

  
Chandler and Brian are at the subway station, they seem to be waiting for a train. They look rather drunk.

BRIAN  
You really didn't have to walk here with me, Chandler.

CHANDLER  
I don't know, I don't have anything better to do at home. I might as well do some exercise.

BRIAN  
(laughs)  
You're really something else.

CHANDLER  
You really should stop laughing at my jokes, I'm not used to that. I might explode.

BRIAN  
(laughs again)  
I think I'll take the risk.

The train soon comes, and the doors open.

BRIAN  
Text me, will you? We really should hang out more.

CHANDLER  
I sense we're gonna be good friends.

BRIAN  
(raises his eyebrows)  
Yeah, I should be going.

  
Chandler offers him his hand, Brian gesticulates a hug. They get confused. Brian ends up hugging him, and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

BRIAN  
Bye, Chandler.

He walks in the train, the train goes away. As Chandler walks away, cheerful, he says loudly: 

CHANDLER  
SO, I _could_ get a Brian after all.

With that, the scene fades.

FADES OUT.  
CREDITS.  
POST CREDIT SCENE.

INT. A DENTIST OFFICE. THE NEXT MORNING.

  
Monica walks in the waiting room, there's an old lady sitting there. She sits. Soon the door opens, and a man walks out.

PETE  
See you next month!

He spots Monica.

PETE  
Monica?

MONICA  
Hey, Brian. I really need to talk to you.

PETE  
(to the old lady)  
Mrs. Smith, will you wait a minute or two, please?

MRS. SMITH  
I'd never keep young people from reproducing, dear.

With that, the scene moves to the inside of his office.

MONICA  
Brian, I'm sorry I didn't reply to your text. I wanted to say this in person.

PETE  
You didn't have to come here just to dump be, Monica.

MONICA  
The thing is, I'm sorry for acting cold. It's just that we were on a double date, and I- I... I mean, I shouldn't make excuses.

PETE  
Maybe we should try again, girlfriend?

  
She crosses the room and kisses him. They kiss for a few seconds.

  
MONICA  
Thank you, thank you so much.

They brush lips together again.

PETE  
Next Friday, just the two of us?

MONICA  
You bet.

  
And with their last kiss, the scene...

FADES OUT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry lmao.
> 
> Please, don't forget to let me know what you think about this episode.  
> Opinions, ideas, they're all welcome!  
> I've been loving your feedback so, so much. You guys are amazing.
> 
> At last, you can find me on tumblr! It's @b-ismillah.


	5. The one with the ideal monkey

FADES IN:

This scene takes over from the last episode. Chandler arrives home after his almost-date with Brian. He opens the door, the flat is dark, he puts his keys on the kitchen table.  
His cell phone's screen lightens up in his hand. He reads the notification. At the side of the scene, it shows the messages he received.  
"Unknown number: Hey, Chandle.r I just released i did'nt have your number saved??? I had to find you in the office's group chat lamo, it's Brian btw"  
Chandler chuckles at his phone.  
"Unknown number: Idk, we had such a great time today?? It's just weird going out with a guy and not end up making out in the bathroom tbh. I think in a good way.  
Chandler wides his eyes in exasperation.  
"Unknown number: Is that how straight people do it? I guess we'll never know."

CHANDLER  
(to himself)  
Holy shit, I seduced a very warm guy today.

He opens the fridge.

CHANDLER  
Why is it not as easy with women? Why am I staring at the fridge if I'm not hungry or thirsty?

He bangs the fridge door shut and walks drunkenly to the sofa. He lays down.

CHANDLER  
(dizzily)  
Shit, I'm so gay. My dad's gay, though. I'm not gay. I'm like, a non-practicing gay... Is that a thing? Nah, I think I'm straight, like my dad's not. And I'm not him. Am I? No, I'm not.

He falls asleep.

DISSOLVE TO OPENING CREDITS.  
FADE IN:

INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT. THE NEXT MORNING.

  
Chandler is still sleeping on the sofa. Joey enters the flat wearing pajamas, wrapped on one of Monica's blankets. He opens the fridge and gets milk, he puts cereal into a bow. Meanwhile, Chandler starts waking up. He looks rather hangover.

JOEY  
Oh, hey, Chan. You should stop doing these things that make you complain forever, y'know?

Chandler stands up, he sits at the balcony.

CHANDLER  
What? Good morning to you too.

JOEY  
Sleeping on the couch kills your back, you know that.

CHANDLER  
Yeah, thanks, dad.

JOEY  
Dad? Don't you mean mom?

CHANDLER  
Yeah, whatever.

  
He gets some medicine from a drawer, and gets water from the fridge.

JOEY  
So, you left me all alone on the one Friday of the month I didn't have a date?

CHANDLER  
Maybe the one Friday of the month you didn't have a date was the one Friday that I _did_ have a date.

JOEY  
Oh, you went out with Janice?

CHANDLER  
No, I... UH... Actually, it wasn't a date. I was just hanging out with this friend from the office.

JOEY  
A friend from the office? You have friends from the office now?

CHANDLER

I have friends outside our group, y'know?

JOEY  
Yeah, right.

  
Chandler rolls his eyes. His phone buzzes. It's another text from Brian. The screen of his phone is shown on the side of the screen.  
"Unknown number: Good morning, Chandler. It's Brian again. I'm sorry for those reckless messages I sent you. I was rather drunk, and now my moral hangover will forever be graved on your phone."  
Chandler smiles at his phone.

JOEY  
Is that your _friend_?

CHANDLER  
No, Joe. The CIA just sent me an important mission and it said that I should smile not to draw suspicion.

JOEY  
Oh.

CHANDLER  
Or maybe, I just saw a funny meme, or Janice sent me a good morning text that's not on audio for the first time this month. OH! Maybe it's none of your business.

JOEY  
Wow, dude. You're being bitter today. It's just me, y'know I'm nosey.

  
Chandler rolls his eyes and gets back to his phone. He starts typing.  
"Wow, sober Brian is just too formal for my liking. I can delete the texts if you want? I don't really want to, tho."  
The phone soon buzzes back.  
"Unknown number: The moral hangover will still be graved on my conscious, I guess. Sober Brian is boring like that."  
He texts back:  
"Don't worry about that. The texts were cute."

JOEY  
That's one long meme or the CIA wants you to kill Bin Laden.

CHANDLER  
Bin Laden is already dead, Joey.

JOEY  
Is he? Good job then. Very subtle.

Chandler rolls his eyes.

CHANDLER  
Why do you even say that?

JOEY  
You've been smiling at your phone for a while now.

CHANDLER  
Be any nosier and the CIA will send me to kill you.

The phone buzzes again.  
"Unknown number: Good. Maybe we could hang out again?"  
With that, Chandler wides his eyes, he puts his phone down and puts it in his trousers pocket. (As he is still wearing a suit).

JOEY  
What?

CHANDLER  
What?

JOEY  
You just freaked out at your phone.

CHANDLER  
Killing Bin Laden is one thing, ending Al-Qaeda is a whole other problem.

JOEY  
I'm not following.

CHANDLER  
Yeah, neither am I.

With that, Ross enters the flat. He looks down.

ROSS  
Hi, guys.

CHANDLER  
Hey, Ross.

JOEY  
Is everything okay, man?

Ross sits next to Joey.

ROSS  
No, actually. I'm not okay.

CHANDLER  
What happened?

ROSS  
So, yesterday I was alone at home and I was just hit by the realization that Ben might not be my child...

JOEY  
Ben? Wasn't it Beethoven?

ROSS  
OH, Carol was saying something about not wanting the kid to get bullied, so we changed it.

JOEY  
I told you Beethoven's a dog's name!

ROSS  
Yeah, anyways. So, I bought a monkey.

JOEY  
You bought a monkey?

CHANDLER  
Why didn't you buy a dog?

JOEY  
Then you could've named him Beethoven!

CHANDLER  
(with thick sarcasm)  
Beethoven's not a monkey's name, Ross!

ROSS  
Actually his name is Marcel.

CHANDLER  
Ross, having a monkey as a pet is illegal. You know that right?

ROSS  
(screams)  
It's illegal?

CHANDLER  
Yeah, man! Why were you freaking out before if you didn't know?

ROSS  
Because I thought it would be hard to raise a monkey in my tiny flat in New York City!

CHANDLER  
That's one of the reasons why it's illegal! Monkeys are not supposed to live in tiny apartments! Or big apartments, or any apartment at all.

ROSS  
Man, now I'm going to jail too? What if Ben is my child? He's going to have to meet his dad in prison?

JOEY  
Man, calm down. It's not like anyone here is going to report you or anything.

CHANDLER  
Ross, where is the monkey?

ROSS  
It hasn't arrived yet. I bought it on the internet.

CHANDLER  
You bought a _monkey_ on the internet?

ROSS  
Yeah, it's coming from Brazil.

CHANDLER  
You bought a _Brazilian monkey_ on the internet?

ROSS  
Yep.

  
CHANDLER  
Like, from the Amazon?

ROSS  
I don’t know, I think so.

JOEY  
I didn’t know the Amazon sold illegal stuff. Much less animals.

CHANDLER  
I mean the rainforest, not the website. Joe, you might be the worst brazilian I’ve ever met.

Joey shrugs.

JOEY  
I’m the only brazilian you know! Except for my mom and that is unfair competition!

CHANDLER  
(rolls his eyes)  
Anyways... Ross! That's serious! You can really go to jail for that! That’s like the biggest biodiversity in the world you’re stealing from.

ROSS  
First of all, I paid for it, I’m not stealing. Second, there's plenty of monkeys there. It's not like they're going to notice one is missing.

CHANDLER  
That's the most stupid thing you've ever said.

ROSS  
Dude, what do I do? You're the lawyer.

CHANDLER  
I don't know, man. I'm a financial lawyer, I don't deal with this shit.

JOEY  
Can't you return it?

ROSS  
It was so expensive, I don't want to do that.

CHANDLER  
(sarcastically)  
So, when the monkey arrives, you can just dress it up as a dog and problem solved!

ROSS  
Do you treat all your clients like that?

CHANDLER  
You're not my client, Ross.

JOEY  
I bet he does, though.

  
Chandler rolls his eyes and gets his phone. There's a new message below the one he didn't reply to.  
"Unknown number: Are you free this weekend?"  
He types back:  
"Sorry, my stupid friend bought a brazilian monkey by mistake, I gotta help him not go to jail."  
He gets replied almost at the same time:  
"Unknown number: OK, Brazil's abroad, so If you need some international advice, you know how to contact me. I will only charge you a night out or so"  
"You deal with environmental law?"  
"Unknown number: No, it's just that as an international lawyer I just had to make that joke."

ROSS  
(whispers to Joey)  
Why is he smiling at his phone?

JOEY  
He has a new "friend", I guess.

CHANDLER  
No, Joe. I was just telling the CIA I can't infiltrate the Al-Qaeda this weekend because my stupid friend bought a monkey.

ROSS  
What?

JOEY  
Chill, man. I don't get this joke either. Just smile and nod...  
(slowly)  
Smile and nod.

With that, the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL’S. AFTERNOON.

  
Phoebe and Stella are sitting on the sofa together watching tv.

STELLA  
So, Rachel tells me you’re into pagan stuff?

PHOEBE  
Yes, I’m a witch actually.

STELLA  
Oh, okay. That’s nice. So, uh, what made you... Become one?

PHOEBE  
Nothing made me, I made me.

STELLA  
...Okay.

PHOEBE  
Alright, so here’s the thing. I never really forgave Christianity for burning my great great great great grandmother to death. So, I decided to move forward with her legacy by becoming a self-made witch.

STELLA  
How do you know she was a witch? I mean, thousands of people who had nothing to do with witchcraft were killed back then.

PHOEBE  
Well, I don’t, I guess I just sense it. This psychoanalyst guy I hang out with sometimes on the subway getting back home from work tells me that this is a way I found of projecting the fact that my mom killed herself when I was 14 and left me all alone in the world on this thing that happened to my great great great great grandmother because I feel guilty to consciously blame my mom for being depressed, so I blame the Catholic church for killing this woman I've never met.

STELLA  
Oh. That’s...

PHOEBE  
Right??? That‘s why no one believes in psychoanalysts anymore! Anything about your life they say it’s your mother‘s fault! So, just because my mom killed herself by carbon monoxide poisoning with me in the room, she somehow has an everlasting effect on everything I do as an adult? Bullshit!

STELLA  
(she has no idea what to say)  
Yes, Phoebe. Alright. Uh- so, uh. I’m a Christian. I mean, my family is Christian, I go to church on Christmas to make my grandma happy.  
Because she's lovely. And 90 years old.

PHOEBE  
Christmas is the most pagan thing ever. Constantine must laugh in his grave every December 25th, since... I don’t know. 2019 years ago?

STELLA  
Constantine?

PHOEBE  
Yeah! That roman guy. It’s on the Da Vinci’s code. You really should read it. It’s like... My bible.

STELLA  
Okay, I haven't even read _my_ bible, so... uh.... And how do you... become a witch?

PHOEBE  
Uh, like any religion: you read books, do stuff.... First, you have to choose your witch name, like for your baptism.

STELLA  
What's your witch name?

PHOEBE  
Phoebe Buffay.

STELLA  
Oh, so you can choose your own birth name?

PHOEBE  
Of course not! That wouldn’t make any sense, Stella! Why would you rename yourself with the same name you had before?

STELLA  
(more awkward than ever)  
Oh! OH! So Phoebe is not your...

  
As she is finishing her sentence, Rachel leaves the bathroom wearing a robe. As Stella spots her, she immediately stands up.

STELLA  
Rach! Oh my god, how many years can you take to shower?

RACHEL  
Missed me much?

  
She pecks her on the lips. As that happens, Ross and Joey enter the apartment.

JOEY  
Hello, girls.

Ross sits on the sofa, Joey hugs Stella and gives her a peck on the cheek.

JOEY  
Stella, you look lovely.

STELLA  
Thank you, Joey.

He sits on the sofa as well.

JOEY  
Guys??? Something pretty weird happened today.

Rachel sits on the chair next to the sofa.

RACHEL  
What?

Before he manages to answer, Monica leaves her room wearing Pajamas, looking sleepy.

MONICA  
Morning, guys.

RACHEL  
Mon, it’s 2 pm.

MONICA  
Oh, yeah. I was watching this cooking reality show, not really sleeping. I lost track of time.

RACHEL  
There's nothing wrong with sleeping for 12 hours on a Saturday, sweetie. You don't have to hide that you did it.

MONICA  
Of course there is, and I didn't!

JOEY  
So, as I was saying, something weird happened.

MONICA  
What?

JOEY  
I think Chandler is dating someone and he is keeping it a secret for some reason.

RACHEL  
Janice?

JOEY  
Nope.

MONICA  
Okay, let's go through facts. You think Chandler has a girlfriend, yes?

JOEY  
Yes.

MONICA  
A new girlfriend that isn't Janice and yet we can't hear him shouting that to everyone in this building at this exact moment? I don't think it's very likely.

ROSS  
I‘m with Joey, you should’ve seen how smiley he was at his phone this morning.

JOEY  
Yeah! And he said he went out with a “friend from the office” last night. We all know he doesn‘t have friends there!

MONICA  
Okay, this last one makes sense. But, Ross, maybe he was just seeing funny memes or cat pictures?

ROSS  
Unless his Twitter Feed is cats and cats only, or he was reading a PhD thesis on funny memes, he was not doing that.

JOEY  
And we saw him texting! He was typing. Typing and smiling! He doesn’t do that! He types and frowns, no matter what he's writing!

Everyone nods in acknowledgment.

STELLA  
Okay, guys. Maybe Chandler really is dating someone. But... so what?

JOEY  
He doesn‘t kiss and forget to tell! We have a rule. We tell each other everything. Oh my god, what if I did something and he is waiting for me to notice and apologise?

PHOEBE  
Joey. Chandler has low self-esteem! Maybe he doesn’t want you advising him to do things he couldn’t pull off because he doesn’t look as good as you.

JOEY  
But he is just as attractive as me, just in other ways! I mean, he’s funny, he can talk smart, he’s charming!

MONICA  
He doesn't know that, though, does he?

PHOEBE  
Besides, he lacks the ‘super hot’ quality that you most certainly don’t!

JOEY  
First of all, thank you very much. Second of all, I still don’t get it! I want him to share things with me.

RACHEL  
Joey, sweetie, then why don't you start off by respecting his privacy?

JOEY  
That’s the one thing I don’t wanna do!

STELLA  
You could try asking him?

JOEY  
Nah. I'll think of something more effective.

  
Rachel rolls her eyes and goes to her room. Joey, Phoebe, Ross and Stella stay chilling in the living room.

STELLA  
Where is Chandler anyways?

JOEY  
Oh, Ross bought a monkey, so Chandler is back home researching animal stuff so Ross won't go to jail. For free.

MONICA  
(to Ross)  
You bought a monkey???

PHOEBE  
Who even pays to go to jail?

JOEY  
What?

PHOEBE  
You said that Chandler was doing his thing so Ross wouldn't go to jail for free.

JOEY  
(confused)  
I didn't say that.

ROSS  
Phoebe, he is helping me for free, because he is a lawyer. And yes, I bought a monkey because it might not seem so but I’m a sensitive, fragile human being. And monkeys are very motherly creatures.

MONICA  
You could just call mom! Oh, no, I get it. I think any pet could be more motherly than her.

ROSS  
Right???

Rachel leaves the room, dressed to go out.

RACHEL  
(to Stella)

Shall we?

Stella stands up, and before walking to the door with Rachel she says to their friends:

STELLA  
I somehow ended up dating the most beautiful woman in New York City.

RACHEL  
(slaps her on the shoulder, playfully)  
Let's just go.

  
They walk over to the door. Before they leave:

STELLA  
(whispers)  
Rach?

RACHEL  
Yeah?

STELLA  
What is Phoebe's name?

RACHEL  
Stella, honey, I think my beauty is making you answer your own questions.

Stella frowns, and they leave. With that the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. COFFEE HOUSE. MORNING.

  
Joey, Phoebe, Monica and Chandler are sitting in the coffee shop together, even though they're all on their phones.

  
The scene focuses on Chandler. Like before, he receives a text from Brian.

  
"Brian from international law: So, have you gotten your contrabandist friend out of trouble already?"  
"Brian from international law: I have some opinions on contemporary authoritarianism I wanted to share with you."  
"Brian from international law: Over dinner"  
"I'm getting some legal advice from that Jack guy. He took some environmental classes in college or something."  
"Brian from international law: So you’re having dinner with him?"  
"I'm not a law prostitute, Brian."  
"That was a joke, btw."  
"Brian from international law: Good one, I freaked out for a few seconds. Worth it though."  
"Yeah, I'm a funny guy."

Meanwhile, everyone is no longer looking at their phones, the camera zooms out of Chandler and shows everyone looking at him, while he is smiling at his phone. They all look suspicious.

  
MONICA  
Chandler?

CHANDLER  
(doesn't look up)  
Uh?

MONICA  
Did you hear Trump was impeached?

CHANDLER  
(still looking at his phone, with complete disinterest)  
Cool.

PHOEBE  
(almost whispers to Joey, she realizes he was right all along)  
Oh my god, Joey, you're a genius!

CHANDLER  
(looks up, finally. He snaps)  
What. Why. What did he do?

JOEY  
You know, I was telling the girls about that _al-manaque_ thing we were discussing the other day.

CHANDLER  
Al what? Oh, you mean Al-Qaeda.

JOEY  
(trying to sound smart)  
Yes! That! It's hard to remember so many words when you speak three languages. They sound so alike.

CHANDLER  
Yes, Joe. You're so smart. I hope one day I'll understand your suffering.

  
As that happens, someone appears at the door of the coffee house. It's Janice. She walks over to the couch.

JANICE  
Chandler Bing! So you're alive after all.

CHANDLER  
Janice! Hey.

JANICE  
That 'hey' would sound just so much better if you had used it to answer my texts!

CHANDLER  
Yes, of course. I'm sorry. I've been... Busy. Can we talk outside?

JANICE  
Only if you kiss me hello.

He stands up, while everyone watches and kisses her.

CHANDLER  
Let's go.

And they leave.

MONICA  
What was that?

JOEY  
I called her.

PHOEBE  
You called her? Why?

JOEY  
Because if he is dating someone else, he will probably end his fling with Janice!

MONICA  
You thought of that?

JOEY  
Yes!

They both look at him as if they don't believe him.

JOEY  
Okay, okay. It was Stella's idea.

MONICA  
You asked her for help?

JOEY  
Why not? She's a literal angel!

MONICA  
Only an evil, Machiavellian angel would think of that! I'M that angel.

JOEY  
(confused)  
_Machia_ what?

MONICA  
(rolls her eyes)  
I don't know, Joey, I just figured you'd ask me. I'm good with this stuff, you know that.

PHOEBE  
Monica, what is done is done! Snap out of it.

MONICA  
(sighs loudly and looks down)  
Okay.

PHOEBE  
Joey, why didn't you just go for the "being honest with your friend" plan?

JOEY  
I said I'd find another way!

MONICA  
(in a spicy way)  
You didn't, _Stella_ did.

As Joey and Phoebe roll their eyes, the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

  
EXT. OUTSIDE THE COFFEE HOUSE. AT THE SAME TIME.  
Janice and Chandler are outside the coffee house chatting, they're both wearing their coats. It looks rather cold.

JANICE  
I just don't get why you don't ever seem to find time for me anymore!

CHANDLER  
Janice, we're not girlfriend and boyfriend anymore. That was the deal! We're not exclusive, and we don't hang out!

JANICE  
We don't hang out? Chandler, you told me we were _on a break_! Have you been seeing someone else?

CHANDLER  
Janice.  
(laughs nervously)  
Janice. The thing is... I don't know how to put it. But I don't think we should see each other anymore.

JANICE  
WHAT? CHANDLER!  
(she starts weeping)  
How can you break up with me like that? After we've dated for so long!

CHANDLER  
(coughs)  
Janice... Janice... We haven't been dating. That's the whole point.

JANICE  
You know you always come back to me, Chandler Bing. You always do.

  
As she says that, she goes away walking on the sidewalk. He is left all alone. The scene focuses on him, he gets a cigarette from his pocket. He stares at it, hesitantly.

CHANDLER  
(murmurs to himself)  
Oh, fuck it.

  
And then lightens the cigarette and inhales into the air. A woman walks by with a baby pushchair, and looks at him with an angry face, trying to protect the baby's face from the smoke. As she's already passed, he says very low in her direction.

CHANDLER  
Oh, fuck you.

  
He starts walking to the door of the coffee house and then decides to go home. The scene ends with him walking on the sidewalk, with the cigarette hanging on his lips.

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL’S. CONTINUOUS.

  
Rachel is sitting on the sofa with her laptop. Chandler storms in, slams the door and lays right next to her.

RACHEL  
Honey, are you alright?

CHANDLER  
No.

RACHEL  
You smell of smoke.

CHANDLER  
Yes.

  
Rachel closes her computer, and looks at him looking concerned.

RACHEL  
Do you wanna talk about it?

CHANDLER  
No.

RACHEL  
Okay.

  
A few seconds of silence go by, Rachel still looks concerned, Chandler sighs loudly, closes his eyes, and the opens again. Then he sits up facing her.

CHANDLER  
Rach, can I ask you something?

RACHEL  
Anything, sweetie.

CHANDLER  
Did you really not realize you were gay until you were 24?

RACHEL  
I think I've always known. But I only consciously faced it this year, yes.

CHANDLER  
How? Why? I mean, don't you just know who you're attracted to?

RACHEL  
I don't think it works like that with everyone. I mean, in my case, I've always thought that this whole attraction thing was overrated, y'know? So, when I kissed guys, or dated guys, or even had sex with a guy, I thought that I was expecting so much more because that's what people say it's supposed to feel in poetry, and novels, and movies... But secretly it just felt like nothing to everyone. Not just me.

CHANDLER  
Wow, that's... Okay.

RACHEL  
So, when I was about to get married it just came to me that I was not at all attracted to my fiancé. Or any guy I've ever dated. And just like that, I ran. I could've been wrong, but I took my shots, you know? And I was right, thank god I was right. Love --- Loving doesn't feel like nothing. It really doesn't.

CHANDLER  
It does to me.

RACHEL  
Chandler, honey, it doesn't have to. It's not... supposed to.

CHANDLER  
I... It's just that... I... Sorry, I have a hard time, sharing.

RACHEL  
It's okay.

CHANDLER  
I always thought that I'd find a nice woman, get married, settle in. So, I've been from girlfriend to girlfriend, and it just felt like something I had to do, you know? Like an obligation. Everything about it, dinners out, hanging out together, kissing, and y'know... Other things too. Just felt like things along the way for me to achieve this one end.

RACHEL  
Okay. I see.

CHANDLER  
But now there's this... Person I know who seems to be really into me, and I think that if I, if I was to be into him too, y'know, it wouldn't feel like an obligation at all. It feels like something I want to do.

RACHEL  
Him?

CHANDLER  
Yes.

RACHEL  
Is this the friend from the office Joey thinks you're dating?

CHANDLER  
(laughs)  
Joey thinks I'm dating?

RACHEL  
Yes. And I say, go for it. Chandler, why wouldn't you?

CHANDLER  
I don't know! I'm so confused!

RACHEL  
You don't need to figure yourself out right away! Yeah, maybe you're gay, maybe you're bisexual, I mean, you don't even need to choose a label!

CHANDLER  
Rachel... I _know_ I'm gay.

RACHEL  
You do?

CHANDLER  
Yes, but it's just that... My dad. He is, you know? Gay, I mean. And he cheated on my mom for so long. He made her miserable.

RACHEL  
Chandler, dear, do you think that... If your dad was straight and cheated on your mom for so long, it would stop you from being straight? If you were straight, I mean.

CHANDLER  
Nope.

RACHEL  
Then I say you don't let it keep you from going out with this guy.

CHANDLER  
Yeah, you're right. I'm going to text him. Right now.

She immediately lightens up and smiles at him.

RACHEL  
Ni-ice!! What are you saying?

CHANDLER  
(he looks down at his phone)  
I'm asking him out. Or saying yes to him asking me out. I don't know.

He types:  
"I think I'm going to let my friend go to prison. Do you wanna grab a beer tonight?"  
"Brian from international law: Tomorrow's Monday, Chandler. I can't go to work with a hangover"  
"A coffee then?"  
"Brian from international law: I have insomnia."  
"You know, they invented the technology to make decaf coffee a long time ago, right?"  
"Brian from international law: It doesn't taste good, though"  
"Let's just sit and talk, then."  
"Brian from international law: Okay."

CHANDLER  
(he jumps from his sit)  
He said 'okay'.

RACHEL  
He did?

CHANDLER  
Rach, he said okay!!

RACHEL  
That's nice.

CHANDLER  
Hey, Rach. Just to be clear.

RACHEL  
Yeah?

CHANDLER  
I'm like that heavy coat that you only wear twice a year, so it stays _all in_ the closet, alright? I'm _all in_. Don't take me out while it's still summer. 

RACHEL  
(laughs)  
Oh my god, what a horrible metaphor...

(and she laughs some more)

I won't tell anyone.

CHANDLER  
Thank you.

With that, the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

  
INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT. LATER THAT AFTERNOON.

  
Joey and Ross are playing video games in the living room. Chandler leaves his room wearing high jeans and a white t-shirt, his hair is wet and brushed back.

ROSS  
You're going out, man?

CHANDLER  
Yeah.

JOEY  
For the second time this weekend?

CHANDLER  
Yeah, so what?

JOEY  
Damn, Chandler officially has a busier social life than me.

CHANDLER  
Well, and you're officially smarter than me with your "three fluent languages" that get you out of any argument, so I think we're good.

JOEY  
I could teach you, but I won't because you couldn't handle how sexy my Portuguese sounds.

CHANDLER  
Yeah, right. We can't have me falling for you, can we?

JOEY  
I mean it! It's like my best dating move. Even you wouldn't handle it.

CHANDLER  
You couldn't teach me, Joey. Because you don't have merit for knowing those languages any more than you do for knowing English.

JOEY  
I just love this level of our conversations where you stop being sarcastic and start being plain mean! 

CHANDLER 

You should be used to that by now.

JOEY

So, how are things with Janice?

CHANDLER  
(rolls his eyes)  
Things are normal with Janice, Joey. Like they've ever been: Boring and complicated.

Anyways, Ross. We have to talk.

ROSS  
What? Why? Is this about the Marcel thing?

CHANDLER  
Marcel?

ROSS  
Yeah, the monkey! I told you that this was his name.

CHANDLER  
Look, Ross. I did some research and there's no way, that with the monkey arriving here, you won't be persecuted for animal trafficking.

ROSS  
Can't I hand it to authorities anonymously?

CHANDLER  
I wouldn't take that risk if I were you.

  
He takes a laptop on top of the kitchen balcony and hands it to him.

CHANDLER  
Here, you have to cancel it.

Ross stares at the laptop in Chandler's hand for a few seconds, and then gives in and takes it. With it on his lap, he types for a moment. And then snaps.

ROSS  
But they won't return my money!

CHANDLER  
Of course not, they're criminals!

JOEY  
How much did you pay?

ROSS  
(looks down)  
I don't wanna say.

CHANDLER  
Ross, how much did you pay for the monkey?

Ross sighs loudly.

ROSS  
5 thousand.

JOEY  
I don't even get that in a month!

ROSS  
I know! But I'm a doctor, dude. I have all this money I can't spend.

CHANDLER  
Save for retirement, for your child, or, I don't know, buy 5K worth of burrito blankets. Not a monkey!

ROSS  
I get it, I get it. See? That's why I can't cancel it. I can't let Marcel be sent to someone else, who might beat him, might treat him bad...

JOEY  
Who even pays 5K on something to treat it bad?

ROSS  
I don't know, my parents paid much more to become pregnant with Monica and they treat her badly enough.

JOEY  
That's dark, dude. Don't say that.

ROSS  
No, no, no! It was artificial insemination, y'know. I wasn't making a joke.

CHANDLER  
Ross, I know you. You just don't want to lose your money.

ROSS  
Uh, that's bad too...

JOEY  
You could call the bank and say that someone stole your credit card and bought this expensive thing. Who even cares about the banks, anyway? Get your money back!

CHANDLER  
Very inspirational, Joe. But Ross wouldn't want to draw the bank's attention to the _illegal foreign monkey_ he bought, would you Ross?

ROSS  
(looks even more down)  
Yeah... I think I would.

  
A few seconds of silence go by. Until Ross puts his hands on his face and starts whining dramatically.

ROSS  
I did it. I did it.

JOEY  
(pats him on the shoulder)  
Not so bad, uh?

  
Chandler sits down next to Ross, puts his hand on his shoulder and gesticulates his other hand into the air.

CHANDLER  
'You see that, Ross?

ROSS  
(looks in the way Chandler is pointing)  
What?

CHANDLER  
It's the world not ending.

ROSS  
You don't understand, Chandler. My world is ending: I can't have my wife, I can't have my child, I can't have my monkey, I can't have my money back! What is wrong with me?

JOEY  
Look, most people our age don't have anyone. You at least have us. It's something, right? We're cool.

CHANDLER  
I did spend the whole weekend doing research for you, and you didn't even say thanks.

ROSS  
Yeah. Okay. Thank you, Chandler.

CHANDLER  
(gives Ross a small hug)  
Anyways, children. Daddy's gotta go. Joey, take good care of your brother.

JOEY  
Yeah, bye, Chan.

  
Chandler makes his way to the door. Before he leaves, he screams from the door.

CHANDLER  
Wish me luck!

JOEY  
What for?

  
Instead of answering, he just leaves.

JOEY  
He's acting so weird.

ROSS  
Joe, let him be! At least he is happy, I'm not. You should be concerned about me!

JOEY  
Okay, Ross. What can I do to make you feel better?

ROSS  
(pouts)  
Get me a monkey.

JOEY  
I wouldn't have the money, dude!

ROSS  
(he lays with his face down on the sofa, and rests his feet on Joey's lap)  
Yeah, sorry, Joe.

JOEY  
Maybe you could buy a dog? I mean, adopt one. It would be cheaper...

ROSS  
And even better, it would be more morally righteous.

JOEY  
(laughs)  
Priorities, right?

ROSS  
That would be good, though. 'Beethoven the dog' and not 'Beethoven the kid'. Dogs don't get bullied by other dogs, I guess.

JOEY  
I bet that a dog named 'Ben' gets bullied in the park. We just don't understand barking language, but dogs might be just as bad people as people.

ROSS  
(rolls his eyes and laughs)  
Yeah, Joey.

JOEY  
Marcel is a good name too, y'know.

ROSS  
Yeah, you're right. I have to let that name go.

  
Joey smiles at him and picks his video game control and goes back to playing. They fall in silence. The scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. A PUB. NIGHT.

  
Chandler and Brian went to the same bar as the one from the first time they went out together. They're sitting at the exact same spot. Only this time there weren't beer bottles on the table. It was empty.

CHANDLER  
I can't believe you prefer the earlier stuff, Brian.

BRIAN  
Why can't I prefer the earlier stuff? You're not making sense.

CHANDLER  
Because the Beatles didn't even care about what they were writing about in the beginning. You can't prefer the meaningless, silly love songs from the beginning over the later stuff.

BRIAN  
John and Paul weren't even writing together at the end! They all hated each other.

CHANDLER  
But the music was better.

BRIAN  
I don't agree.

CHANDLER  
(chuckles)  
We basically don't agree on anything at all.

BRIAN  
I still think it's hot.

CHANDLER  
I think so too.

BRIAN  
(raises eyebrows)  
You do?

CHANDLER  
Yeah... And I think we should act like your average gays and go make out in the bathroom.

BRIAN

(laughs)  
Wow, I've never been so glad for a embarrassing drunk text.

Chandler stands up.

CHANDLER  
Hurry up, I don't want people seeing me sneaking in the bathroom with a guy who prefers  _With the Beatles_ over Abbey Road.

BRIAN

(laughs aloud)

Asshole.

  
And with them walking towards the bathroom, the scene...

FADES OUT.  
CUT TO CREDITS.  
POST CREDIT SCENE.

  
INT. COFFEE HOUSE. SOME OTHER NIGHT.

  
Joey, Monica, Chandler, Ross and Stella are sitting on the couch, Rachel is serving tables, Phoebe has her guitar, she is sitting behind the microphone. She tests it a few times.

  
PHOEBE  
Hey, everyone. I'm Pheobe Buffay. I'll be presenting a song I wrote myself. Actually, it's a parody of the song 'Pale blue eyes' by The Velvet Underground but the lyrics are all mine... Most of them.

The people in the coffee house clap.

PHOEBE  
(Clears throat)  
Okay.  
(she starts playing)

  
_Sometimes I feel so happy_  
_And sometimes I feel so sad_  
_But those times make me fear_  
_Because momma was depressed._  
_I don't wanna be depressed._  
_Linger on... Her early suicide._  
_Linger on... Her early suicide._

  
_Thought of her as my momma_  
_Thought of her as..._

  
She goes out of the original song rhythm and says really fast to fit it in the tune:

PHOEBE (CONT.)  
... _Legally responsible for me._  
(goes back to the rhythm)  
_Thought of her as everything_  
_I've had, but couldn't keep_  
_I've had, but couldn't keep_  
_Linger on... Her early suicide..._  
_Linger on... Her early suicide..._

  
As she is singing, the camera travels through the characters' faces. They all look sad and concerned. When she finishes the lyrics above, she keeps playing guitar and repeating the last line.

STELLA  
(whispers to Monica, who's sitting by her side)  
Did you know her name is not really Phoebe?

MONICA  
(whispers back)  
Of course it is!

STELLA  
No, it isn't.

MONICA  
I've known her for years! I know her name is Phoebe. It's in her ID!

STELLA  
Have you seen her ID?

MONICA  
(thinks for a few seconds and says even lower)  
No...

  
Stella raises her eyebrows and shrugs, with that the scene...

FADES OUT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, there.  
> I've been meaning to address something: Well, this story is basically me playing sitcom writer, so please don't be mad at me if the main couples are going too slow. It's just that, in the real show the main characters have meaningful, important relationships before the main couples get together, so that's what I'm trying to do. So, it may take a little while, but please please please stay on board. 
> 
> Anyways, don't forget to let me know what you think about this episode.  
> Opinions, ideas, they're all welcome!  
> I love your guys' feedback.  
> Also, this story is about to hit 2000 hits??? Wow, I never thought it would come to that. Thank you so so so much. 
> 
> At last, you can find me on tumblr! It's @b-ismillah.


	6. The one with the big announcements

 

 

 

 

FADE IN:

INT. COFFEE HOUSE. AFTERNOON.

Rachel and Stella, Monica and Pete are sitting on the sofa kissing. By their side, is Ross and Phoebe. Phoebe is looking down at her phone. Ross is looking ahead, he looks really awkward. Then he looks to his right, seeing the two couples kissing. Then he looks at Phoebe. He pats her to bring her attention to him.

ROSS

(gesticulates at the two couples)

Should we?

PHOEBE

We could. But I don't want to. 

She stands up, and leaves to the bathroom. He then looks even more awkward. He pouts, looks down at his hands, gets his phone, unlocks it, and locks it again, and then unlocks it until the scene...

FADES AWAY.

OPENING CREDITS.

FADE IN:

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT. MORNING.

The apartment looks all clean, tidied up and extremely overdecorated for Christmas. Monica is on the corner of the living room decorating the Christmas' tree, she looks tired, like she haven't slept for weeks. Rachel is wearing pajamas and eating toast in the kitchen. Joey walks in. He looks surprised with the sudden change in the apartment.

JOEY

Oh my god, what happened here?

RACHEL

(unconcerned)

It all looked like this when I woke up this morning.

Monica approaches them.

MONICA

I might have gotten too excited and lost track of time.

 

RACHEL

Mon, you spent the whole night doing this.

 

MONICA

So...? It looks nice, doesn't it?

 

RACHEL

Honey, it's just that it's not healthy at all.

 

MONICA

(rolls her eyes)

Who even cares about healthy?

 

JOEY

(to Monica)

When do they arrive?

 

MONICA

Who?

 

JOEY

Your parents. They're coming for Christmas, right? You get like this when they're coming.

 

MONICA

Man, I just  _hate_  smart Joey.

Then, the door opens and Chandler walks in wearing a suit. He looks dramatically surprised, and jumps back.

CHANDLER

(screams)

Don't tell me the deatheaters are coming for Christmas!

 

RACHEL

Chandler! They're Monica's parents, don't call them that!

 

CHANDLER

(snaps)

I told you not to tell me they were coming!

 

MONICA

Yeah, Chandler, and believe me, they're more like dementors.

 

CHANDLER

(pats Rachel on the shoulder, and says dramatically, like in the Harry Potter line, while he steals a toast from her plate)

Dark times lie ahead of us, Rach, and there will be a time when we must choose between  _celebrating Jesus_ and _running for our lives_.

And then, it's Ross' time to walk in. Everyone greets him. He looks at the decorated living room, and then at Monica, and he does it again, until he breaks the silence.

ROSS

Mon, didn't you read the texts in our family groupchat?

 

MONICA

What texts?

 

ROSS

Why didn't you  _read_  it?

 

MONICA

What? It's hard finding actual conversation between those dozens of videos with Trump propaganda, or those that say that Mexicans turn kids black and gay and... evil. I gave up looking!

 

ROSS

Well, mom and dad aren't coming to New York anymore. It's something about their church boycotting the gay mayor. 

Joey and Chandler cheer loudly, and high five. Rachel smiles as well.

CHANDLER

And this, children, is how you know you voted right.

 

JOEY

(to Chandler)

I  _love you_  for making me spend hours in line to vote.

 

ROSS

Yeah, we should elect a gay president, so the homophobes decide to boycott the USA like mom and dad are doing with NYC.

 

Meanwhile, Monica doesn't look happy or sad. Rachel notices.

RACHEL

Mon, aren't you happy?

 

MONICA

(sighs)

It's just that... The apartment looks so beautiful! Mom won't even see it!

 

ROSS

Send her a picture!

 

MONICA

Nah, she will look at it for too long and send me a huge list of flaws.

 

CHANDLER

I think Freud would have had something to say about that.

 

MONICA

Yeah, if he found some time between patronizing female sexuality and normalizing pedophilia; maybe he would.

 

CHANDLER

Yeah, he  _was_  a busy guy.

 

JOEY

Uh, guys? My parents will be in New York for Christmas. I could ask them to have dinner here. I mean, they're pretty busy people, but they could come for one hour or

so.

 

ROSS

Dude, why didn't you say that before?

 

CHANDLER

God,  _I'm so in _ _need of those warm parent figures_.

 

MONICA

(to Joey)

Do you think your mom is gonna compliment my decoration?

 

JOEY

_Yep, a_ _nd  _your turkey.

 

MONICA

(she hugs Joey and pecks him on the cheek)

I love you so much.

 

With that, the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. CHANDLER'S OFFICE BREAKROOM. AFTERNOON.

Chandler is sitting at the table having lunch on his own. Brian walks in from the door behind him, and kisses him on the cheek. Chandler jumps from his sit in surprise.

CHANDLER

God! Don't kiss people from behind! They might think it's some kind of kiss of death coming for them!

 

BRIAN

(laughs)

Nobody thinks that, asshole.

 

CHANDLER

(looks down, concerned)

You're telling me it's just  _me_?

 

BRIAN

Yeah, it's just you. Other people usually like being kissed by me. Even from behind.

 

CHANDLER

My point being,  _I just don't wanna die eating_ _beans_.

Brian playfully rolls his eyes and grabs his lunch from the fridge. He sits next to Chandler at the table.

BRIAN

So, are you going home for Christmas?

 

CHANDLER

Nah, not really. I'll be with dorky roomate, that guy who bought a monkey, my two neighbors who live together and are secretly in love with each other, and our friend who celebrates Christmas because it's a pagan holiday.

 

BRIAN

(laughs)

What a squad. I can't wait to meet them!

 

CHANDLER

Soon enough. When the light calls you.

 

BRIAN

Uh, I'll be on my own for Christmas. I was going to invite you to come over - I mean, I'm a great cook. But since you already have plans...

 

CHANDLER

I could invite you, bu...

 

BRIAN

That would be great! Like, really great, I'll be so so happy and  _not lonely_  if you invite me.

 

CHANDLER

Alright, I'll... let the host know... 

The scene closes with the camera on Chandler's awkward face.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY'S. LATER THAT DAY.

The scene dissolves to Chandler doing the same face, and zooms out to show that he's not longer in his office, but in his apartment. He is sitting next to Rachel and he's telling her what happened. They are own their own in the living room.

RACHEL

So...?

 

CHANDLER

So, I don't wanna tell this guy that I've been seeing for like two weeks that I don't want my friends knowing that I date him, that I'm not even out of the closet to them,  _and_  that my hot bisexual roomate and I are going to have to play domestic boyfriends to his parents!

 

RACHEL

You think Joey's hot?

 

CHANDLER

Come on, Rachel! That's not my opinion, it’s a fact! Please, stick to what's important.

 

RACHEL

Chandler, I'm sure he is going to understand. You have to be honest with him.

 

CHANDLER

But I don't want to deal with my

problems! Didn't I make it clear?

 

RACHEL

Then, tell him he can't come for some reason! You could tell him Mon wasn‘t okay with it or something.

 

CHANDLER

I can't do that! He's on his own

for Christmas. He looks like a lonely, cold, unbelievably hot lost puppy. I mean, cold and yet, hot as hell. That’s how amazing he actually is.

 

RACHEL

(chuckles)

Talk to him, sweetie.

 

He growls and hides his face on her lap. With that the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. COFFEE HOUSE. AFTERNOON.

They're all sitting at their usual spot in the coffee house. Rachel is wearing her waitress uniform. 

PHOEBE

You know, I just love this time of the year. I just get so creative out of the sudden! I wrote like, 23 songs already.

 

ROSS

Why's that?

 

PHOEBE

I mean, my mom died someday between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don't know exactly when. But I just feel closer to death when Christmas' arriving.

 

CHANDLER

OH! The christian irony...

 

PHOEBE

Don't you think it's funny? Baby Jesus getting born, my mom getting killed by herself...

(she gets excited)

OH!  _That's Christmas' song material_ , I'm writing that down right now. 

She gets a notepad and a pen and starts writing really fast.

CHANDLER

Wait a minute, what if she was born on the  _Good Friday? That_ would be a great prequel: Your mom getting born, adult Jesus getting killed by the Romans...

No one really laughs at his joke.

CHANDLER

Too far? 

Everyone nods, frowing.

JOEY

Yeah! How is she supposed to know if her mom was born on a Friday? Much less a good one!

 

PHOEBE

(unironically)

Yes, thank you, Joey.

Chandler opens his mouth to speak, and then gives up. A few seconds of silence go by. 

MONICA

(clears her throat)

Uh, is it just me or it just feels like years passed since Thanksgiving? I mean, so much has happened.

 

CHANDLER

(sarcastically)

Yeah! I got promoted, got a new sweater...  _Life changing._

 

RACHEL

No, If we think about it, I didn't even  _know_  Stella on thanksgiving! And  _Chandler!_  He was like, still dating  _Janice._ And now he's...

He looks at her with sharp, wide eyes.

RACHEL

He's... Single... Again.

 

JOEY

Technically, he was dating  _me_  on Thanksgiving.

 

CHANDLER

Yeah, we were dating on thanksgiving, together still on Christmas... 'Might as well propose by New Year's eve, right, Joe?

 

JOEY

(screams)

You can't tell me you're proposing, dude! It spoils the surprise!

 

CHANDLER

Oh, you're right, sorry.

(puts on a straight face)

I'm not proposing. 

Joey elbows him, playfully. 

MONICA

Anyways, I'm really excited for Rachel's first Christmas with us!

 

RACHEL

(cheers)

Ye-ah!! I'm so excited too. I don't even know how Christmas is supposed to be without casual arguments after prayers followed by a long, awkward silence during dinner.

 

PHOEBE

Will Stella be joining us?

 

RACHEL

No, actually... She is going to be at her Grandmas' in Quebec, from Christmas to New Year's eve.

 

MONICA

It's gonna be just us, then. Because Pete is going to be with his parents too... So, just us, like a huge nuclear family with warm Joey's parents.

 

ROSS

Hey! What about me?  _Why_  didn't you ask me if I'm taking a date?

 

MONICA

Ross, no one is miserable enough to have a  _Christmas'_  first date. And we all know you haven't been dating anyone!

Everyone nods, like she has a point.

CHANDLER

Yeah... I mean, you've been just so lonely since you finished online dating that animal... It was a monkey, wasn't it? Too bad he broke up with you, man.

 

ROSS

Chandler! It’s not funny! Animal trafficking is not a joke!

 

CHANDLER

Yeah! But taking it seriously didn't stop you from financing it, did it, dude?

Ross slouches on the couch and starts sulking with shame, everyone else just laughs.

CHANDLER

Anyways... Actually, Mon, I was wondering if this friend of mine from the office could come along? He's like super lonely for Christmas and I might have snapped and invited him without telling you.

 

ROSS

Your friend from the office is a  _he?_

 

JOEY

So, his new fling is not the same person as the friend from the office? Interesting, Chandler is meeting all this... new people.

 

CHANDLER

_My new fling_? Well... Thank you, I guess. 

At least in your guys' imagination I'm getting laid, somehow.

 

MONICA

Anyways, Chandler, I think Joey's parents' hearts can take another son for the evening, I guess. Bring him along!

 

JOEY

We can always  _put more water in the beans, right?_

Everyone just stares at him in silence, like they didn't understand what he just said. They're just cringing.

JOEY

It's portuguese for "there's always room for one more person".

They just keep staring, in the same way.

JOEY

I don't really underestand it either. I just like to randomly sound smart.

Their faces soften at once, like they're saying "oh!", they get it now.

CHANDLER

(pats him on the shoulder)

Mission accomplished, bud.

DISSOLVES TO: 

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT. EARLY AFTERNOON.

The kitchen is full of being-made food. Monica is wearing an apron, her hair is tied on a very messed ponytail, she has flour all over her clothes, face and hair. She is cooking while Pete is doing some dishes. They're quitly humming to Pretty Woman. She grabs a spoon, gets some of the food that's in one of the pans, and basically forces it into his mouth. He gets surprised, and then swallows it.

MONICA

Good?

 

PETE

Yes, Mon. It's perfect. Everything is perfect. You gotta calm down!

 

MONICA

Come on, Pete! You know Joey's parents are coming, it's Rach's first Christmas with me, Chandler's lonely friend's coming too... It means that just perfect is not  _perfect enough_!

 

PETE

Joey's parents are not your parents, Mon. And pleasing them is not gonna feel the same as pleasing your parents.

 

MONICA

So...? That doesn't keep me from making them love me. And think I'm the best host ever.

 

PETE

Yes, I'm sure they will.

She smiles and kisses him.

MONICA

What time is your flight?

 

PETE

In 4 hours. Will you take me to the airport?

 

MONICA

Oh, Pete! I can't! I'll be finishing desert by then. It's all perfectly scheduled! You understand that, right?

 

PETE

Yes, babe. But... I thought you said Chandler's friend was bringing desert?

 

MONICA

He is! But, you see, there's no way that I can know if his desert is gonna be tasty, and consistent, and perfectly presented! I mean, what if Joey's mom find a hair in there? Or, what if he lets it slip from his hands while he is coming up the stairs, and we're left with no desert? Desert is too important for me to take that many risks, Pete!

 

PETE

Okay, okay, I get it. Desert's important.

 

MONICA

_I mean it_. On the ranking of Christmas' important things, desert is only behind the perfect turkey, and then the perfect setting and decoration, and then the perfect dishes... And it comes before the potato perfectly smashed.

 

PETE

I get it, everything that's perfect is important.

 

MONICA

And what if Joey's parents are allergic to something that he puts in the desert? Or what if he uses dairy and they're vegan?

(she wides her eyes)

_I_  don't know if they're vegan! I used eggs on almost everything! I mean, I  _could_  still tell them that I didn't, do you think they'll notice?

 

PETE

Monica. Please. Joey would have told you if they were vegan. And, besides, who even invented this stupid importance ranking?

 

MONICA

Mom did, I think. And it's not stupid! She has years of experience.

 

PETE

You have years of experience too! And she is not going to be here, baby.

 

MONICA

I know, but Joey's mom is. And believe me, moms are all the same. Some just don't say what they're critizing aloud.

 

PETE

Who says that?

 

MONICA

Mom...

 

PETE

Oh my god, I think I'm canceling my trip.

 

MONICA

Why?

 

PETE

Someone's gotta be here to help you if you explode.

 

MONICA

Christmas won't be perfect if I explode...

He looks at her in disbelief blinking fast.

MONICA

Besides, Rachel's in her room. I'm sure she's gonna hear the explosion.

 

PETE

She's not a health professional, is she?

 

MONICA

Pete, if  _you_ were going to help exploded me, you would only be able to save my teeth.

 

PETE

I know, no need to remind me that I'm not a doctor...

 

MONICA

Well, you  _could_  sell them as souvenirs to my family and friends to make some extra money... I don't see a non-dentist boyfriend doing that.

He laughs at her joke and kisses her with his hands up because they're full of soap.

PETE

You're crazy... And perfect.

 

MONICA

_I know!_ Now, back to the dishes, mister. They're not gonna wash themselves! 

He goes back, so does she. They start humming to the same song again, and the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT. EVENING.

Everything in the living room and kitchen looks polished and overdecorated. Rachel is alone in the kitchen, she is putting plates on the table. She is wearing high jeans and a Christmas' sweater. Joey and Chandler walk in.

JOEY

Hey, Rach. 'Need any help?

Without saying anything, Chandler walks to the sofa and turns the tv on. Rachel follows him with her eyes and frowns.

RACHEL

(to Joey)

Sure.

She then collects all the plates she had already put on the table and hands them to him.

RACHEL

Can you wash these?

 

JOEY

What? They're clean!

 

RACHEL

Well, not enough for Monica. She told me to rewash them.

 

JOEY

Why?

 

RACHEL

Do you wanna ask  _her?_

 

JOEY

No, no, no, no, no, please no.

He takes the plates from her hands, and goes to the sink. With that, she walks to the sofa and sits next to Chandler.

RACHEL

(smiling)

Hi, there.

 

CHANDLER

Oh, hey, Rach.

 

RACHEL

So...?

 

CHANDLER

What?

 

RACHEL

How did it go?

 

CHANDLER

What?

 

RACHEL

(whispers)

Your talk with Brian, silly. What else would it be?

 

CHANDLER

Oh, I haven't talked to him yet.

 

RACHEL

What? Chandler! Isn't he supposed to be here in, like, 1 hour?

 

CHANDLER

(whispers)

Yes... But hear me out! 

He turns the volume of the Tv up so Joey won't hear him. 

CHANDLER

When he's already here, he will be kinda dressed up, he will probably have some presents, and he will have already spent some time in the train with a desert in hands!

 

RACHEL

Sweetie, I'm not following.

 

CHANDLER

So... The chances of him going away are way, way, way lower.

Rachel just frowns at him.

CHANDLER

(whispers even lower)

Besides, his expectations are probably really high. So, I'll just cut them in half. Which is going to make things realistic, because I don't even know If I can fulfil half of anyone's expectations! 

She frowns some more at him, crosses her arms...

RACHEL

If I was  _his_  friend, giving  _him,_  some advice, I'd probably tell him to run as fast as he can from you because you're a potencial horrible partner.

 

CHANDLER

Why, _thank you!_

 

RACHEL

But since I'm  _your_  friend, I say... Actually I don't know what to say.

 

CHANDLER

Just say I'm a potencial horrible partner who doesn't deserve love.

 

RACHEL

Chandler, honey, don't you say that! Of course you deserve love! Everyone does!

 

CHANDLER

Everyone?

 

RACHEL

Yes.

 

CHANDLER

Even... Rapists and murderers, and  _Hitler?_

 

RACHEL

(she looks confused for a few seconds and then rolls her eyes)

You're impossible.

 

CHANDLER

(sighs and sinks into the sofa)

Ah... Nothing new under the sun. 

As he says that, Phoebe appears out of nowhere and sits next to them. 

PHOEBE

Did you know that's a bible saying?

Chandler jumps from his sit.

CHANDLER

Oh my god, woman. Where did you come from?

 

PHOEBE

I came in, like, just now. I was helping Joey with the dishes. Maybe you didn't hear me because the TV is maddening loud.

Joey appears behind the couch, he rests his arms on the back of the couch, next to Rachel's head.

JOEY

Yeah, dude. I feel like screaming. And who even watches History Channel nowadays?

 

RACHEL

Joey, sweatie. That's not History Channel, that's Horrible Histories.

 

JOEY

(wides his eyes)

There are  _two channels_  that talk history?

 

RACHEL

Horrible histories is a show. Monica has it recorded because it somehow calms her down.

 

JOEY

(with a confused frown)

Oh.

Chandler pitches his cheeks.

CHANDLER

Isn't he adorable?

 

JOEY

(looks at him sideways)

You will see  _adorable_ as soon as my parents leave tonight.

 

CHANDLER

Was that a threat?

 

PHOEBE

Can you guys stop fake flirting? It makes me highly uncomfortable.

 

RACHEL

It sounds like cheap television queerbaiting.

 

JOEY

(looks genuinaly offended)

That's just...  _offensive!_

 

The rest of them laugh it off, and then Monica leaves her room looking stunning and dressed up, she's wearing a silver dress and her hair is brushed back.

CHANDLER

Woah! Ready for prom?

Everyone just stares at her wide-eyed. She rolls her eyes.

MONICA

Why aren't you guys dressed yet?

 

CHANDLER

What? Did I leave the house naked again?

(looks down at himself dramatically and sighs in relief)

Oh, no. I'm dressed, thank god.

 

MONICA

I'm serious! You can't have dinner wearing those clothes!

 

PHOEBE

What's wrong with our clothes?

 

MONICA

(rolls her eyes, and ignores the question)

Boys, I want you in suits. Rach, I know you can do better than that. 

Phoebe then stands up, looking proud of her colourful, weird outfit. 

PHOEBE

What about me?

 

MONICA

(thinks for a few seconds and then smiles)

You're good, Phoebs.

 

Phoebe looks at her friends on the couch, looking proud of herself. Meanwhile, Chandler has his phone in hands. He is sending texts, and as in previous occasions, the screen of his phone is shown by the side of the scene. He sends Brian a text.

"Hey, you'd better be wearing a suit or the host will throw the turkey out and serve you for dinner."

"Brian from international law: Would you like that?"

"🙄"

MONICA

(Says basically trying to throw them out of the couch)

Come on, come on, off you go! 

Joey and Chandler start walking to the door. Chandler is still texting.

"When you arrive, before you come in, I rlly need to talk to you about something, can you text me when you're at the door?"

"Brian from international law: Sure."

The door slams. Phoebe, Monica and Rachel are the ones left in the apartment. Phoebe is sitting on the couch watching tv. Monica is at the kitchen, making sure everything's perfect. Rachel sits at the table.

RACHEL

Mon?

 

MONICA

Hey, sweetie.

 

RACHEL

It's just... Uh... You're looking stunning tonight.

 

MONICA

Well, thank you, miss Green.

 

RACHEL

It's... a pity Pete can't be here to see you, right?

 

MONICA

I've sent him a few pictures, I think he will be fine by himself tonight.

 

RACHEL

What? Monica! I didn't ask to hear that! Oh my god!

 

MONICA

(laughs)

Come on, you basically begged for it.

 

RACHEL

No, I didn't! 

Phoebe turns around on the sofa, facing the two girls. 

PHOEBE

Can  _I_ get those pictures, though?

 

RACHEL

Gross! Gross! Gross!

 

MONICA

Phoebs...! We're passed that, aren't we?

 

RACHEL

What? What do you mean ' _you're passed that'_?

 

PHOEBE

(ignores Rachel)

It's Christmas, Monica! Come on...

 

MONICA

But I already got you another present!

 

PHOEBE

Keep the present, send me the pictures as a gift!

 

MONICA

Phoebe... No means no!

 

PHOEBE

(sighs sadly)

Alright...

(she crosses her arms and goes back to the Tv, sulking.)

 

RACHEL

Okay, but what do you mean by "you're passed that"?

 

MONICA

Sweetie, don't ask questions you don't wanna hear the answer to!

 

RACHEL

_WHAT IS THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN?_

Monica just shrugs, going back to what she was doing.

PHOEBE

(screams from the sofa, without looking at them)

Monica, you're gonna drive that girl crazy!

 

MONICA

(to Rachel)

I can't help it, you're so cute.

(RACHEL rolls her eyes)

Now get off the table, I need to align the chairs. 

Rachel stands up sulking, and sits next to Phoebe.

With that, Chandler and Joey come back in, wearing black suits. 

CHANDLER

SO, who's marrying us tonight? I want the best priest in our group.

 

JOEY

I thought you were only proposing by New Year's eve, though.

 

CHANDLER

Who even said we can't get married and  _then_ propose? Love has no order.

 

JOEY

Oh. Okay.

 

MONICA

(rolls her eyes)

You guys make me think the sexual revolution was a mistake.

 

PHOEBE

What? Monica! Don't say that. I had so much fun in 1968.

 

JOEY

I didn't know there was a sexual revolution! Oh man, why didn't I learn that in school?

Guys, how fun would it be if the sexual revolution had happened in 19 _69,  _though _?_

They all stare at each other, like they can't believe in what they just heard.

RACHEL

(clears her throat)

Sorry, Phoebs. How old are you again?

 

PHOEBE

24\. But I was even older then.

 

JOEY

I'm very confused.

 

PHOEBE

It happened in my second to last reincarnation, before this one I'm in right now. I died of overdose a few years after Woodstock.

 

JOEY

I don't get it.

 

PHOEBE

Of  _course_  you don't, silly. You're a first-timer.

 

CHANDLER

(pinches his friend's cheeks)

Plain new soul. Adorable.

 

JOEY

(slaps his hand away, looks offended)

I bet you're so old you... You..... Killed John Lennon.

 

MONICA

Joey... both Chandler's parents were already born when John Lennon died. It didn't happen a long time ago.

 

CHANDLER

And as a matter of fact, John Lennon's killer is still alive.

 

PHOEBE

I've always suspected Chandler doesn't have a whole soul. Maybe he shares it with him.

 

RACHEL

Is that possible?

 

PHOEBE

I don't know, okay? It may seem like it but I'm not  _God_. I don't have all the answers.

 

CHANDLER

It's impossible, alright? John Lennon is my favourite Beatle! I can't possibly have killed him.

 

PHOEBE

(raises her eyebrows)

If you say so.

Chandler looks insuferable. Joey simply looks at him and says:

JOEY

I am  _not_  marrying a murderer. 

He walks to the couch. Ross walks in the apartment. Chandler has his back to him.

CHANDLER

(screams)

And  _I'm  _not marrying a fucking child!

 

ROSS

(pats him on the shoulder from behind)

Wow, dude. Good for you. Good-for-you.

 

CHANDLER

Oh, hey, Ross. Merry Christmas! 

Ross is wearing a suit, and he has a wine in hands. He hands it to Monica.

ROSS

Here, Mon.

She nods and pecks him on the cheek.

JOEY

(to Monica)

How come you told him to come wearing a suit and not us?

 

MONICA

I didn't!

 

ROSS

Come on, dude! It's Monica we're talking about! I'm not stupid.

 

MONICA

See??? Obvious!

 

ROSS

As obvious as Chandler chosing not to marry a child.

 

CHANDLER

I was talking about  _Joey_! Stop it, dude.

They all laugh about it and Chandler looks down at his phone.

CHANDLER

You know  _what_? I'm out of here. 'Will be back in a few.

He gets his coat by the door in a hurry, walks out and slams the door.

RACHEL

Have we gone too far?

 

JOEY

Nah, he's just being a drama queen.

 

ROSS

Deep down he's always going to want to marry Joey.

With that the scene...

DISSOLVES TO: 

EXT. OUTSIDE THE BUILDING. CONTINUOUS.

Brian is standing outside the building looking down at his phone, he is wearing a black suit, a coat and scarf, he's holding a desert and a bag with a bottle of wine popping out. Soon Chandler leaves the building. He aproaches him. 

CHANDLER

Hey, there. Can I help you?

Brian looks up, and smiles. 

BRIAN

Yeah, sure. I'm looking for...

(he looks at his phone again)

Mrs. Chanandler Bong.

 

CHANDLER

Oh, that would be me, good sir.

Brian gets closer to him, and gives him a peck on the lips.

CHANDLER

I can't kiss you with this desert on the way.

 

BRIAN

Then let's go in, so I can put this down and we can give your friends a little show of PDA, uh? It's freezing out here.

 

CHANDLER

Actually, Brian... I-I've been meaning to talk to you about something. It's really important and I'll get it if you...

 

BRIAN

Chandler,  _just say it_.

 

CHANDLER

(with a straight, nervous face)

Okay, uh... Brian... I'm gay.

Brian breaks down laughing, like all the tension just left his body. Chandler smiles as well.

BRIAN

You're an asshole, you know that right? You were worrying me! For real!

 

CHANDLER

Okay, as a matter of fact, I just wanted see you laugh. Because, uh, you should know that I'm not out of the closet to anyone. Not even my friends. 

Brian just stops laughing and frowns.

BRIAN

Oh... OH... Okay. So they think I'm just a colleague?

 

CHANDLER

A  _friend_.

 

BRIAN

Why didn't you tell me before?

 

CHANDLER

I couldn't bring myself to. As you said, I'm an asshole.

 

BRIAN

Alright, that just crushed all my expectations for tonight.

 

CHANDLER

I know. I'm sorry.

Brian caress him with his free gloved hand.

BRIAN

Okay. So, it's 2019. We live in New York City. And you're a 25 years old adult who pays his own bills. So... How come?

 

CHANDLER

Okay, the thing is... Until a few weeks ago I wasn't really aware of this whole me being gay thing.

 

BRIAN

Oh...?

 

CHANDLER

I mean, I did know that I was gay in theory but I really thought that I was straight in practice.

Brian just frowns at him.

CHANDLER

No, let me rephrase that. I've always known that my attration to women was minimum but I never really gave lots of thoughts to the fact that maybe that meant that I was actually attracted to men.

 

BRIAN

Okay.

 

CHANDLER

Until this very attrative guy started showing interest on me.

 

BRIAN

Wait a minute, I started hitting on you because I thought that you were interested in me!

 

CHANDLER

That's the thing! I thought we were only hanging out! Until you kept not giving up on me. So, at first I was flatted, and then it came to me that I was  _so into you._

 

BRIAN

Alright, Chandler. Are you sure you're not Briansexual, though? Because it really sounds like it. 

Chandler lets out a laugh of relief.

CHANDLER

No. NO, no, no, no, no! There's only room for ONE funny guy in this relationship.

 

BRIAN

Did you just say relatioship? Are we in a relationship, Chandler?

 

CHANDLER

_What?_ Did I just say that? NO, I didn't. I don't even know what that word means! You're hearing things.

 

BRIAN

Too bad, because I'd be down for it. If you were. 

Chandler, then, kisses him.

BRIAN

(into the kiss)

The desert! Be careful! 

They kiss some more.

CHANDLER

I probably should be telling a joke right now. I can't think of a joke. Brain's not processing. Brain's not processing.

 

BRIAN

Well, you'd better be careful or I'll be stealing your job as funny guy of the _relationship._

 

CHANDLER

You can't be the funny guy. You're too hot to compensate poor dating skills with bad jokes.

Brian kisses him again.

BRIAN

It's freezing. Let’s go in.

 

CHANDLER

Just one more thing, I have this pack of Cigarettes with me, so if you want to get me alone in the balcony for any reason at all. Just ask me to come along to smoke.

 

BRIAN

I don't smoke.

 

CHANDLER

Me neither... Anymore... I mean, most of the times.... Just when I’m really stressed... Which is almost everyday.... Oh shit, you can’t end a relationship 2 minutes after it got official, can you?

 

BRIAN

I probably can, but I won’t. And okay! I’ll say that. Like in the 1950s, right? Hiding gay relationship, smoking cigarettes, wearing suits to Christmas dinners...

 

CHANDLER

I know, that’s probably a good idea for a Lana Del Rey song. And it’s also everything the retro thematic bars have been missing on.

Brian laughs at the comment.

CHANDLER

Come on, let’s go in.

 

BRIAN

No, you go. Alone. And I’ll ring the doorbell like a normal, friendly guest. Who’s only your  _colleague_.

 

CHANDLER

_Friend_.

 

Brian gives him one more peck on the lips and Chandler goes in. With that the scene... 

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT. CONTINOUS.

Everyone but Joey is sitting at the living room, Chandler rushes back in all smiley, humming a tune into the air. Everyone looks back at him frowing. 

CHANDLER

What?

 

RACHEL

Honey, you look  _happy_.

 

ROSS

Out of the sudden.

 

CHANDLER

Maybe the other half of my soul just came back in.

 

PHOEBE

(looking down at her phone)

According to google, John Lennon's assassin didn't die in the last 10 minutes.

 

MONICA

Maybe he  _doesn't_ share a soul with him.

 

CHANDLER

_Maybe_  I share a soul with Kanye West. That explains why I lack self love so hard. Because  _he sucks_ _all of it to himself!_

 

PHOEBE

You should stop joking around with your soul. You might not even get one on your next life.

 

CHANDLER

And so I hope... Having a soul is tiring.

He jumps on the couch. The doorbell rings. Monica jumps from her sit.

MONICA

(screams)

Alright, everyone. Behave.

She goes to the door, fixes her dress, and then her hair, and opens the door. Brian is on the other side of it, holding the desert with one hand and a bottle of wine with the other.

MONICA

Hello, come in!

 

BRIAN

Hello, I'm Brian. You must be Monica, right? Chandler didn't mention his friend looked so lovely.

 

MONICA

Well, thank you. 

She gets the desert from his hand and wides her eyes in amusement.

MONICA

And this desert is so well presented!

 

BRIAN

I can assure you it's also tasty, and consistent.

 

MONICA

Wow...! Just...

 

BRIAN

Because you know, the perfect desert is essencial to the perfect Christmas.

 

MONICA

Yes, it's only behind the perfect turkey, and then the perfect setting and decoration, and then the perfect dishes...

 

BRIAN

And it comes before the potato not under-smashed or not over-smashed. Just perfect.

 

Monica has her mouth open, she looks amused as she's never been.

MONICA

I  _love you._  Let me take your coat.

He starts taking the coat off. From behind them, Phoebe, Rachel and Ross are standing shoulder to shoulder, Chandler is one pace in front of them.

CHANDLER

Oh my god,  _two Monicas!_

Brian sees him and goes on to him.

BRIAN

Hey, there,  _buddy_. Merry Christmas.

They look like they don't know if they should shake hands or hug. They end up doing neither.

CHANDLER

Looking good with your sunday church outfit.

 

BRIAN

(laughs)

_Funny._  

They walk to the three other friends.

CHANDLER

So, this is Ross. 

They shake hands. 

BRIAN

Are you the one who bought a monkey or the dorky roomate?

 

ROSS

(looks down, sadly)

I can tell you I have my own flat. Like an adult.

 

CHANDLER

I told you not to mention the monkey, Brian! He is very sensitive about that subject.

 

ROSS

No, I'm not!

Phoebe pushes Ross aside and offers her hands.

PHOEBE

Hey, there, I'm Phoebe Buffay.

 

BRIAN

Hey, I'm...

 

PHOEBE

I know who you are, you're handsome.

 

BRIAN

Well, that's not my  _name_...

 

PHOEBE

It should be...

 

BRIAN

Okay, I'll let you call me that.  _But only you._

 

PHOEBE

(winks at him and whispers)

I won't tell anyone. 

Chandler leads Brian to his right.

CHANDLER

And this is Rachel...

He offers her his hands, and when she takes it she says:

RACHEL

Oh my god, I might cry.

 

BRIAN

(laughs)

Please, don't.

 

CHANDLER

(rolls his eyes)

Alright, everyone. Let's move! Keep on moving! And Brian, make yourself at home. I don't live here but if you crash, Monica won't even notice.

 

BRIAN

(smiles at him)

I'll keep that in mind.

As soon as everyone start doing what they were doing before Brian arrived, Joey leaves the bathroom.

 

JOEY

(doesn't notice the guest arrived)

Guys, I think I have to go home to finish using the bathroom. I don't want Monica to kill me.

 

MONICA

Joey!

(she runs to the bathroom to see if it's clean.)

 

CHANDLER

(whispers to Brian)

That's the dorky roomate. 

Brian looks back to see him, and wides his eyes. He stands from his sit. 

BRIAN

Joey Tribianni?

 

JOEY

Oh my god, Brian! Long time no see, uh?

They hug like old friends.

JOEY

So, uh,  _how you doing?_

 

BRIAN

Nice to see you fully clothed for once.

 

JOEY

I can't say the same about you... Chandler! Come here! You didn't tell me your friend Brian was  _this  Brian._ 

Chandler approaches them.

CHANDLER

Uh... Did I have to specify?

 

BRIAN

Joey Tribianni and I are... How do I say this? ... Old friends.

 

JOEY

_Friends?_

 

CHANDLER

You're exes.

 

BRIAN

(try not to sound awkard)

Yep.

 

JOEY

I mean, we hooked up a few times. A dozen of them. Maybe more.

 

BRIAN

Yeah... We're old grindr buddies...

 

JOEY

Brian left me for this boyfriend though. That smart guy. Not as hot as me, or as him... Spoke Chinese... Are you still with him?

 

BRIAN

No, no, Joey. We... broke up.

 

JOEY

So you're single? 

Brian glances at Chandler.

BRIAN

Yes. I'm single again.

 

JOEY

(sideways smile)

Nice... You know, I live across the hall... And if you're feeling lazy, Monica is the most clean person I've ever known, her bathroom is pretty hygienic. If you know what I mean.

 

CHANDLER

(cleans his throat)

Guys??  _I'm right here_.

 

JOEY

(smiles at Chandler, pats him on the shoulder.)

Hey, bud. Get me a beer, will you?

 

CHANDLER

(pushes his hand away, everybody starts looking at them)

No!

 

JOEY

What?

 

CHANDLER

You can't overshadow Jesus being born with this crazy sexual tension! I'd be a horrible Christian if I let that happen.

 

JOEY

You don't even believe in God!

 

BRIAN

Joey, Chandler's right. Christmas' eve is the worst time to have an one night stand in somebody's bathroom, don't you think?

 

JOEY

I do have a bedroom! 

As that happens, Rachel approaches them.

RACHEL

Brian! Hey! Uh, the rest of us also want to get to know you better, y'know? Come here!

She basically drags him to the sofa and starts talking non-stop. Chandler drags Joey to the kitchen. He turns to Joey with an angry face.

CHANDLER

I can't believe it!

 

JOEY

What?

 

CHANDLER

I make  _one_ friend and the great Joey Tribianni starts flirting with him! _Right in front of my fucking salad_!

 

JOEY

Chill, man. It's not about you! Brian and I have history! I've seen him naked, I've made him breakfast... I've made him... Y'know... In more ways than you can imagine! I mean, he's awesome in bed, so am I... We're a perfect match!

 

CHANDLER

Great! That's pretty great! There are almost 9 million people living in this city and the one I decide to.....  _become friends_ with is my roomate's  _ex!_

 

JOEY

What's the big deal? It almost sounds like you're jealous or something. I can't erase the past, dude!

 

CHANDLER

I'm not  _jealous. Just..._ What are the chances, right?

 

JOEY

I mean, I've slept with  _a lot_ of people... I don't think the chances of you having met a lot of them are that low.

 

CHANDLER

Just... Can you not flirt with him? Please? Just do this one thing for me? It's Christmas.

 

JOEY

Wow... Sure. Thank god I didn't buy you anything, you can have this as present! Besides, I'm flirting with  _you  tonight_. Right, boyfriend? 

Chandler wides his eyes and covers his mouth with his hand.

CHANDLER

Oh, _fuck_! I had forgotten! Completely forgotten!

 

JOEY

Chill, dude. I forgive you.

But Chandler is already walking to the living room, like a robot. He sits.

CHANDLER

Guys? 

Everyone stops talking to look at him.

CHANDLER

(says robotically)

I have something really, really important to announce. It's very difficult to me, so... Be nice, okay? Uh..... 

Everyone's looking at him with wide eyes, like they're holding their breaths.

CHANDLER

I'm smoking again. 

They all let snorts out, as if they're disappointed.

PHOEBE

We all knew  _that_!

 

MONICA

Your clothes always stink of smoke!

 

RACHEL

Yeah, honey. It's pretty disgusting. 

Chandler still looks robotic.

CHANDLER

So, I'm going to smoke a cigarret now in the balcony. Does anyone want to join me?

 

ROSS

You know very well that none of us  _smoke_!

 

BRIAN

Uh, I do... I can come with you. I could use a smoke.

 

MONICA

Great! Two smokers in my apartment!

With that, the two of them start walking to the balcony and the scene...

 DISSOLVES TO:

 

 

EXT. BALCONY. CONTINUOUS.

Brian and Chandler are now at the balcony, Chandler takes a deep drag into a cigarret.

 

CHANDLER

Big flirt, uh?

 

BRIAN

Jealous?

 

CHANDLER

Nah, just insecure.

...

That’s kind of my thing.

 

Brian touches his hand.

 

BRIAN

Hey, it's alright. This is just... me, you know?

 

CHANDLER

This is just me as well.

 

BRIAN

And I like you.

Chandler smiles, gives a drag on the cigarette.

CHANDLER

(smiles)

Joey tells me you're very good in bed.

 

BRIAN

Well, I am.

 

Chandler raises his eyebrows, and then drags again.

BRIAN

You're upset.

 

CHANDLER

Yep, you know I'll never be able to top Joey in bed right?

 

BRIAN

(snorts)

Well... That's _good news for me!_

 

CHANDLER

(starts laughing too)

I didn't mean _that_!

 

BRIAN

Chandler, I'm looking for affection now. Not grindr sex, one night stands... I have no affection for him.

 

CHANDLER

Okay. Good. I have to tell you something, though.

 

BRIAN

(smiles fondly at him)

You've be making so many announcements today!

 

CHANDLER

Okay, uh, Joey's parents are coming for dinner.

 

BRIAN

Okay.

 

CHANDLER

And they might or not think that Joey and I have been dating for a while. So they believe Joey doesn't have commitment issues.

 

Brian frowns at him for a few seconds and then starts laughing.

 

BRIAN

Oh my god!

 

CHANDLER

What? Why aren't you angry?

 

BRIAN

Why would I be angry? It's adorable!

CHANDLER

It's not  _adorable._ I'm just a very good friend.

 

BRIAN

Okay.

 

CHANDLER

Why aren't you angry though?

 

BRIAN

So??? Shit happens. Tonight I’m gonna have to watch the guy I like pretending to date my ex, so what?

 

CHANDLER

\- wait,  _you like me???_

 

BRIAN

(Laughs)

See?? I can’t get mad at you. You’re helpless. Besides, it’s Christmas! We gotta be happy on Christmas!

 

CHANDLER

Dating you just feels so diplomatic.

 

BRIAN

I mean,  _I did go to college for that_.

 

CHANDLER

And to think you could be using your superpower to stop our country from murdering children for oil.

 

BRIAN

True, but for tonight, the only prize I want is to kiss you by the end of the night and to hear the stupid joke you will say afterward that will either make me laugh or turn me off.

 

CHANDLER

What??? Admit it! My jokes are your biggest turn ons!

 

Brian raises his eyebrows.

 

BRIAN

Never.

 

Locking eyes with him, he takes the cigarrete hanging from Chandler's lips and takes a drag. Then he puts it back between Chandler's lips. Chandler looks hypnotised. But then Brian starts coughing like hell and Chandler starts laughing at him.

 

BRIAN

God, this tastes awful!

 

With that the scene...

 

 

 

 

 

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT. CONTINOUS.

Everyone but Brian and Chandler are in the living room. The doorbell rings. Monica runs to the door. She opens it. Joey‘s parents enter giving warm greetings, hugging her tightly.

MRS. TRIBIANNI

Monica, dear. Thank you for having us in such short notice.

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

Yes. We're deeply sorry for the bother.

 

MONICA

No, no, don’t worry! We can always put more water in the beans, right?

 

She stares at them expectantly, they just stare at her frowing for a few seconds. Then, Mrs Tribianni seems to realise something.

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

Oh!! ‘Mais água no feijão‘, I get it! I didn't know you were so into Brazilian regionalisms, Monica. 

Monica seems to sign in realief, puts tries to play it cool. 

MONICA

Nah, I‘ve just been getting some lessons on duolingo, to pass time, y’know. I study languages as a hobby.

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

Oh, you do? That’s so nice! How many languages do you speak so far? 

As soon as he says that, Monica seems to panic inside and Rachel steps in.

RACHEL

I'm sure she’s already lost track.

(offers her hand)

It's so nice to see you again, how are you doing?

Mr Tribianni shakes her hand, Mrs Tribianni hugs her tightly.

MRS. TRIBIANNI

Rachel! You look lovely, dear.

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

(to Monica and Rachel)

I have to say the life you two have built here is remarkable. Such a cozy apartment! It must be great to raise children.

 

RACHEL

Uh, I just moved in, you know. I don't have much to do with all of this.

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

Don't say that! You two make such a beautiful couple!

 

MONICA

We don't-

(clears throat)

We're just roomates, Mr. Tribianni.

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

Rachel has told us that before, honey. If you had paid more attention you could have spared the girls from having to deal with mixed feelings in such situations.

Then they move on to Phoebe and Ross, just giving normal greetings. Joey, once again, leaves the bathroom. Monica looks surprised and angry, trying not to show. She slowly starts walking to the bathroom.

JOEY

Babbo! Mãe! I thought you guys would only be here later. 

They hug him tighly.

MRS. TRIBIANNI

Our meeting with the project sponsors ended early, sweetheart.

 

ROSS

That's intresting, what have you guys been working on?

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

We've been in England since thanksgiving. I'm helping an old college in Cambridge with her project on Seasonal migration in europe.

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

And I have a great garden in which I work on while I'm waiting all day for Joey's mother to come home.

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

Well,  _Joey's_   _father_  has never had so much fun.

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

There's no sun in that country! I have to work double!

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

See? He's been having a blast.

 

JOEY

Babbo's always loved hating England.

 

MONICA

(after she's left the bathroom)

I love hating it too!

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

Thank you, Monica! See?? Some people do get my dilemma.

 

ROSS

She's never even  _been_  to England! 

Monica elbows him.

MRS. TRIBIANNI

Joey, and where's my son in law?

 

JOEY

We're not  _married._

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

My son outside law, without law, my  _genro, genero, gendre_ , whatever! 

As she finishes speaking, Chandler and Brian return from the balcony.

JOEY

Oh! There he is.

He walks really close to Chandler.

JOEY

(whispers to him)

My parents are here. 

And then, he tries giving Chandler a peck on the lips, but Chandler just averts his face, and Joey ends up kissing his cheek. The camera now focuses of Joey's parents frowning at the scene, and the other friends cringing really hard in silence.

Joey sends Chandler a questioning look.

Chandler moves on to Joey's parents.

CHANDLER

Mrs. Tribianni, it is so nice to see you again! 

She hugs him, and makes an ugly face.

MRS. TRIBIANNI

Dear, have you been  _smoking_? You do realise that it's highly unhygienic, right?

 

CHANDLER

I - uh, I've been trying to quit lately. But you know, I just had one now.  _A Christmas gift to myself._

Mr. Triabianni steps in and hugs Chandler, and then he says:

MR. TRIBIANNI

As long as you don't smoke near my son and expose him to similar risks to having cancer, as you expose yourself when  _you_  smoke.

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

Joey, meu amor, do you really kiss that mouth?

 

JOEY

(gives her a warning look)

_Mãe!_ What's going on? You're being sharp today. You know, my friends expect you to be  _sweet_.

Mrs. Tribianni, then, signs loudly and sits on the sofa. The rest of the people follow her, getting comfortable.

MRS. TRIBIANNI

It's becoming harder and harder to be a scholar these days. I went out with barely a few pennies from that meeting! I might as well have stayed in England.

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

Your mom is pretty upset, amore.

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

Yes, sweetheart, I think they got that part from what I  _just said_.

With that, everyone stays in silence, awkwardly sipping their drinks for a few seconds.

MONICA

(clears her throat)

Uh, do you guys know Brian? He's, uh, new. He's Chandler's colleague. 

They say hello to Brian without standing from their sits.

MRS. TRIBIANNI

So, how have our lovebirds been doing?

 

JOEY

Great, uh... Chandler's got a promotion at work.

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

What about you, Joey? Do you intend on financially relying on your boyfriend forever?

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

It's not like you don't rely on me to  _this day_!

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

I'm retired!

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

You just turned 55!

 

BRIAN

(clears his throat)

Joey, I didn't know you relied on Chandler.

 

JOEY

Of course I have jobs! I'm, you know, always working. Last month I was cameraman 23 at... this one talkshow I can't remember the name of..

 

CHANDLER

Look! I earn enough money to pay the bills  _and_  the groceries. He will pay me back as soon as he has a stable job! Or so I hope...

 

PHOEBE

You only say that because you're his  _boyfriend_.

Everyone but Joey's parents and Brian, looks at her with sharp looks.

ROSS

(clears throat)

Don't you guys think that this is kind of a bad subject for Christmas?

 

MONICA

(stands up)

Uh, I think I'll heat dinner up, then. Rachel? Will you help me out?

Rachel stands up to and mouths a "Thank you" towards her.

BRIAN

And I, uh, think I’m going out for a smoke.

 

CHANDLER

I‘m coming with you.

 

JOEY

Another one? Come on, that's disgusting.

His parents nod, looking judgemental.

CHANDLER

I’ll be back. 

Chandler pecks Joey on the cheek and follows Brian to the balcony.

MRS. TRIBIANNI

(To her son)

You should keep your eyes open. They look intimate.

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

Gloria!

 

JOEY

Mãe, Brian is  _my_  ex.

She opens her mouth to speak and closes it again, they fall into uncomfortable silence. With them in the scene, Ross has his cellphone, as if he isn’t paying much attention, and Phoebe is just looking awkward making funny faces. There's a few senconds of silence.

MR. TRIBIANNI

(clears throat)

He  _is_  very pretty.

 

JOEY

Right?

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

You know you don't have to hide your attempts of spicing up your relationship with your boyfriend from us. It's normal.

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

Your dad and I have nothing against threesomes!

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

I mean, that guy is obviously not just a colleague.

 

JOEY

Alright... Uh...

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

Your dad and I had our fair share of threesomes in our 20s.

 

ROSS

(looks up from his phone, says to Mr. Tribianni)

Uh, how do you know for sure that Joey's your son, then?

Everyone looks at him with confused faces.

ROSS

... Because that... Happens.

 

PHOEBE

Ross' only saying that because he is in a similar situation with his ex-wife. Don't mind him.

 

ROSS

_Phoebe_! I'm saying that because I'm

a doctor and I know that's common!

 

JOEY

Come on, dude, just because it happened to you, it doesn't mean that it's common!

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

Did you get your ex-wife pregnant in a threesome, Ross?

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

Wow, that must be awkward for you and the other guy.

 

ROSS

(looks more awkward than he's ever been)

I don't, uh, y'know with guys.

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

(with a straight, non judgmental face)

Do you suspect a woman got your wife pregnant?

Ross just look blank, making his usual weird faces. They fall into uncomfortable silence. 

PHOEBE

(coughs)

Uh, I've written a Christmas song!

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

That is just so nice, dear.

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

Why don’t you play it for us?

 

PHOEBE

Oh! That would be great because you guys are like, intelectuals... So, I guess you can be sincere of what you think?

 

MR AND MRS. TRIBIANNI

Sure, dear. Of course.

Phoebe stands up and gets her guitar. She goes back to her sit.

PHOEBE

Okay, uh...

She start playing messy tunes of a version of Jingle bells for guitar.

 

PHOEBE

_Jingle bells jingle bells if my dad’s dead_

_Then why doesn’t he-e come to my sleep_

_That’s why I think he’s alive somewhere-e_

_He just don’t wanna see_

_Just don’t want to see_

_Just don’t want to see me-e-e_  

Then just starts singing "lalalalala"s in the rhythm of the song for almost a whole minute.

When she finishes, both Mr and Mrs Tribianni look reflective.

MR. TRIBIANNI

I just find it enchanting how the lyrics are one hundred percent unrelated to Christmas and yet you make it feel like a Christmas’ song. It’s magical!

 

ROSS

Uh, excuse me? Maybe you got that impression from the famous Christmas melody she’s obviously making a parody of...? 

Joey elbows him, Phoebe shots him an angry look.

MRS. TRIBIANNI

The part that interested me most was how neoconcretist those “lalalas” felt when they invited the listeners to fill the blank that the emptiness of a life without such an important parent figure felt to the artist.

Ross frowns visibly, looking confused.

JOEY

Guys??? did you listen to the same song as I did?

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

I think it's amazing how you emerged into such a sharp atmosphere. This poetic persona suffers from such lost, and still they're cheerful about it...

 

PHOEBE

(smiling proud of herself)

The " _poetic persona"  _being me, well,  _yes_!

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

Oh.

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

Sweetheart... Are you okay?

 

PHOEBE

Of course! I just got all this  _compliments_...

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

Well, actually, you have so much potential! I have this friend who's this neoconcretist artist, he will be in New York this month. Maybe I could recommend you to him?

 

PHOEBE

Yes, yes,  _YES!_ I have a Youtube channel, you should send him the link so he can check my songs out!

 

JOEY

_You have a youtube channel?_

 

PHOEBE

Yes! It's "lareginaphalange". Easy and catchy. My videos have like, Christmas lights on the background and everything! Sometimes I even play the Ukulele, for, you know, the views. OH! And people really like white girls playing acoustic rap songs, for some reason. So, most of my videos have a rap song in the title, but  _then_  I say it's a prank, and I'm singing my own song!

 

ROSS

Why Regina Phalange, though?

 

PHOEBE

Well, not  _Phalange_. It's  _Phange._  The "la" in the middle is to match the la in the begining. It's  _Regina Phange_.

 

ROSS

_Why Regina Phange?_

 

PHOEBE

Oh, silly, it's my real... I mean, my artistic name.

Mrs. Tribianni has her phone in hands.

MRS. TRIBIANNI

Even her username has blanks! Sweetie, I'm sure you're gonna build yourself a  _name  _in neoconcrestism.

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

She's a natural! 

Phoebe smiles and nods. She leans into Ross. 

PHOEBE

(whispers)

Do you know what neoconcretism is?

Ross shakes his head, Joey shushes her discreetly.

With that the scene...

 

 

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT. CONTINOUS.

All of the people but Chandler and Brian are already sitting at the table, laughing and chatting with their glasses up. Monica finishes putting all the food on the table.

MR. TRIBIANNI

So, do those guys out there only eat smoke?

 

MONICA

I hope so, because this turney here...  _It is_  smoked. 

Mr and Mrs Tribianni laugh at her her bad joke, the rest of the people just keep their faces straight.

Joey stands up from his sit and walks to the balcony door, from there, he screams:

JOEY

Brian, Chandler, dinner's ready. 

They walk back in. Chandler's fixing his hair with his hand, trying to look normal. Everyone just stares at him as Brian and Chandler find their way back. Chandler sits next to Joey.

MRS. TRIBIANNI

What happened to you, dear?

 

CHANDLER

I don't know, it's been a windy winter, don't you think?

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

Uh, you have a...

(points at the side of his own neck)

A thing right there.

Chandler freaks, covering his neck with his hand. His friends all look confused, Brian stares at his plate. 

CHANDLER

What??? Where?? Maybe a beetle bit me.

 

MRS. TRIBIANN

It's a love mark, honey.

 

CHANDLER

Beetles can be... Very loving creatures. 

Uh,  _all you need is love,_  right? That's what... They say.

 

ROSS

How did you get a hickey, dude?

 

RACHEL

Guys?? It's been there all along. Didn't you notice it?

 

MONICA

It's been there all night?

 

PHOEBE

It's not possible! Chandler's not...

Joey almost jumps from his sit, he wides his eyes.

JOEY

It's been there all day! I marked it there this morning. Maybe... The wind just made it darker.

 

CHANDLER

Oh, I really thought it had been a beetle. 

Joey smiles at him.

JOEY

Well, I do look a bit like Bob Dylan.

He leans in into Chandler's personal space and kisses the mark briefly. Mr and Mrs Tribianni watch them with heart eyes, the rest of the people at the table try not to show that they're shocked.

CHANDLER

Are you implying that Bob Dylan was a Beatle? But you do know that he wasn't, right, Joe? Please tell me you know that. 

 

JOEY

Uh... Wasn't he?

With that, the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT. CONTINOUS. 

The table is now empty, there are to bowls of desert on top of it.

ROSS

(whispers to Monica)

You're displaying the desert that... You didn't make?

 

MONICA

Yeah...

 

ROSS

Why?

 

MONICA

For people to eat...?

 

ROSS

What? But you didn't make it!

 

MONICA

So?? It looks really good!

 

ROSS

Monica?? Is everything okay?

 

MONICA

It's just a desert.

 

ROSS

Yeah, right...

TIME LAPSE TO WHEN EVERYONE'S EATEN:

Monica's desert is barely untouched on the table, the bowl with Brian's desert is already empty.

CHANDLER

Brian???? Oh my god, what even  _is this?_

 

BRIAN

I told you I'm good cook.

 

CHANDLER

If I put some nicotine on top, do you think I can smoke it?

 

BRIAN

Not if you wanna quit.

 

CHANDLER

Who said I wanna quit?

 

JOEY

Even  _I_ wanna smoke it.

Everyone just keeps on complimenting the desert. Monica is alone at the couch, she's the only one eating her desert. Ross sits beside her.

ROSS

So?

 

MONICA

I hate him. I want him out of my house.

 

ROSS

Monica, have you even eaten the desert?

 

MONICA

I don't need to!

 

ROSS

Come on!

 

MONICA

(rolls her eyes)

Okay!

She takes Ross' spoon and tastes the desert. She closes her eyes, tastes it slowly, like she's melting. 

ROSS

So?

 

MONICA

_It's amazing_...! I hate him even more! I want him out of my house.  _Right now!  _No, actually, I _want him dead._  

The camera moves back to the people around the table.

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

Honey, we're going now.

 

JOEY

What??? Already?

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

We promised a few of our New York friends we'd have a beer.

 

JOEY

What??? It's so late.

 

RACHEL

And it's Christmas!

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

We're not Christians, dear.

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

We personally couldn't care less. 

They start moving to the door.

MRS. TRIBIANNI

OH, and I almost forgot.

She takes a wraped gift from her purse.

MRS. TRIBIANNI

We do not do gifts, but when I was in England I found this sweater that reminded me of you Chandler...

 

She hands him the gift.

 

CHANDLER

How come?

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

You know, for how Joey always tells us about your sweet sense of humour.

 

CHANDLER

(looks at Joey)

My  _sweet_ sense of humour? 

Joey shrugs, blushing.

MR. TRIBIANNI

Come on, open it!

 

He opens it. The gift is a soft crochet red sweater with a bouncer jumper on the front, and a man on the air [as if he's jumping], and on top of that there's "A JUMPER" really big, in capital letters written on it. Chandler laughs dramatically.

CHANDLER

I'm telling you, this is the best thing I've ever seen.

 

PHOEBE

I don't get it.

 

JOEY

Me neither.

 

MRS. TRIBIANNI

It's, you know, a jumper!

 

MR. TRIBIANNI

In England, they call sweaters "jumpers"

 

PHOEBE

OH! OH OH! And there's a man jumping. So, he's a jumper, and the sweater is a jumper!

 

CHANDLER

Exactly! Seriously, Mrs. Tribianni, I'm never taking this off! Thank you so much.

She hugs him with a huge smile.

JOEY

Yes, you are! Don't be creepy. 

Brian nods along, and then he realises he's nodding and stops immediatly.

Joey's parents say goodbye to everyone and leave the flat.

They all gather around in the living room.

 

 

PHOEBE

Is anyone gonna ask why Chandler has a gigantic hickey? Because I'm dying to know!

 

Everyone humbles along, saying they had forgotten, and that they're dying to know etc.

 

CHANDLER

Really, a bug bit me!

 

JOEY

Cut it off, dude! I kissed it, it tastes like a hickey.

 

CHANDLER

_Ew! Ew! EW!_

 

RACHEL

Come on, Chandler, tell them! 

Chandler almost jumps from his sit.

CHANDLER

Tell them what?

 

RACHEL

There's this... App. It's like Grindr for straight people, and Chandler's been trying it out.

 

MONICA

And how do you know that?

 

CHANDLER

Hey! Rachel's my friend. I tell her things all the time.

 

RACHEL

Yep.

 

ROSS

(looking suspicious)

And what's the app's name?

 

RACHEL

Uh... GrindrStraight.

 

MONICA

Wow, straight people have no creativity.

Phoebe and Joey nod along. With that the scene...

 

 

 

 

FADES OUT.

CUTS TO CREDITS.

POST CREDIT SCENE.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE BUILDING. LATER ON.

 

Both Chandler and Brian are outside, saying their goodbyes.

 

BRIAN

So, uh, I bought you a little Christmas something.

 

CHANDLER

Oh, I didn't buy you anything but a really awkward dinner. And honestly, Monica paid for everything.

 

Brian rolls his eyes and laughs, he takes a gift from his bag. It's clearly a vinyl. Chandler looks surprised.

 

CHANDLER

Oh, what that might be?

He unwraps it. It's the  _With the Beatles_  album.

 

CHANDLER

Wow, my least favourite Beatles' album, _thank you_. 

He kisses him on the lips.

 

BRIAN

It  _is_ _my_  favourite, and I'm giving it to you. And everytime you listen to it you'll remember of me, so you're gonna start loving it.

 

CHANDLER

Good strategy! You're a genius! Again, you could be stopping our country from murdering children.

 

BRIAN

I know!

 

CHANDLER

I don't have a record player though.

 

BRIAN

You can display the record, and listen to the album on spotify.

 

CHANDLER

(opens his mouth in surprise)

_Briliant!_

 

BRIAN

But for tonight, we could go back to my place and listen to it on  _my_  record player.

 

CHANDLER

Is that a code for sex? Because I'd love that! But Joey and I promised Monica we'd help with the dishes.

 

BRIAN

Oh, yeah. The mistress always goes home alone.

 

CHANDLER

You're saying you're my mistress?

 

BRIAN

It's true!

He kisses him sweetly. 

BRIAN

Merry christmas, Chandler.

 

He starts walking away. Chandler stays put. Then, he walks fast to match Brian's steps, and join their hands.

 

CHANDLER

I'm going with you, but just because I really want to have sex with you, not because I, at all, look forward to listening to that horrible album.

 

With that, the scene...

 

FADES OUT.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, there!  
> I apologize for taking a while to update. It's just that I had this whole chapter in my head but then school happened, and my family happened, and I ended up losing track of it right in the middle! But I promise it won't take me very long to post the next one.
> 
> Anyways, don't forget to let me know what you think about this episode.  
> Opinions, ideas, they're all welcome!  
> Your guys' comments and interactions really keep me going.  
> Thank you so so much!


	7. The one 55 million light-years away

FADE IN:

  
INT. COFFEE HOUSE. AFTERNOON.

  
The coffee house is full of people, and it's really loudly, full of non-audible chatter sounds. All of the friends but Ross and Rachel are at their usual spot, talking and laughing [but their conversation can't be heard because of the noise], Rachel is walking around with cups, serving tables, looking like she's about to go crazy with so many customers. Ross is nowhere to be seen.  
Ross soon walks in with a big dog in his collar. He waves to his friends but no one looks back. Rachel approaches him, she seems like she's under a lot of stress.

RACHEL  
(indifferent)  
Sorry, sir. No pets are allowed in here.

ROSS  
(says very loudly, looking around, to draw attention. But no one even looks at him)  
OH! What a bummer, uh, miss?  
(then he whispers, leaning closer)  
Rach, it's me, Ross! I got a dog!

RACHEL  
I know who you are, Ross. And I'm sorry but you have to leave.

ROSS  
But Rach!--

She gestures to the door, he walks out with his head down. But as soon as he leaves, he looks in the coffee house through the glass of the door. He taps on it, and waves to get his friend's attention, but they still don't look back. A few costumers who are sitting closer to the door see what he is doing and wave back at him with confused faces. When he sees that happening, he looks embarrassed and gives up waving. The camera focuses back on the friends on the couch.

  
They are all laughing loudly together when all their phones buzz at the same time. They look at it at once. [Even Rachel who's walking in the background.]. At the side of the scene, it shows the locked screen of one of their phones, they received a text on their group chat, it shows that it's called "Marcel's 5K cult":  
"Ross: GUYS! I GOT A DOG. I'M AT THE SIDEWALK COME SEE HER." Along with a picture of him smiling, but the dog is looking the other way.

CHANDLER  
Everybody, do NOT open that text. Do NOT do it!

JOEY  
Why??

CHANDLER  
He will see that we saw it and we'll have to walk aaaall the way out to the cold.

  
They all look convinced, the just lock their phones and shrug. But then Joey gets his phone again and wides his eyes.

JOEY  
OH NO!

MONICA  
What?

JOEY  
I unlocked my phone because silence is boring and I clicked in the groupchat!

PHOEBE  
Why, Joey, Why???

JOEY  
To see if there were new texts, I don't know. I forgot!

  
They roll their eyes and throw cushions at Joey, as they start to find their way to the exit. Behind the glass, we can see Ross jumping in excitement at the fact that they noticed him. And with that, the scene...

FADES OUT.  
OPENING CREDITS.

INT. COFFEE HOUSE. AFTERNOON.  
Everyone but Joey is hanging out at the coffee house. Phoebe has her guitar on her lap, she is preparing to perform.

PHOEBE  
So, you guys, I've been trying to get deeper into this artistic stuff Joey's folks said I'm good at.

MONICA  
What stuff?

PHOEBE  
Some "ism"... I don't remember! But I'm getting some work done anyways.

  
With that, Joey enters the coffee house. Everyone greets him.

MONICA  
So, how'd it go?

JOEY  
Fine, I guess.

ROSS  
What?

CHANDLER  
Joey got a job interview.

ROSS  
MAN! That's awesome, I'm so proud of you.

JOEY  
(sighs and sits beside them)  
Yeah, this one youtube Channel was looking for a cameraman to film their holiday special.

PHOEBE  
And did you get the job?

JOEY  
They ended up hiring me as Santa.

  
They all look surprised and taken aback.

PHOEBE  
That's great, Joey!

CHANDLER  
Uh... How come, though?

JOEY  
Something about me being "a natural for acting" or something.

MONICA  
That's... Unexpected.

ROSS  
Are you happy, though?

JOEY  
Well... I did get myself drowned in loans to finish film school, and since I suck... I might as well become an actor.

RACHEL  
Honey... You don't suck!

CHANDLER  
And we're all drowned in loans! You do what you have to do to pay up!

ROSS  
(looks at Chandler with sharp eyes)  
Your fancy rich ass isn't!

CHANDLER  
(shrugs)  
Yeah... I didn't get loans.

PHOEBE  
You went to Yale law, and you just paid for it?

CHANDLER  
It's not my fault I have a rich mom who felt guilty for neglecting me my whole life!

PHOEBE  
I wish _I_ got money for being a neglected child!

They fall into silence for a few seconds.

RACHEL  
(clears her throat)  
So, uh, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's?

They all protest and throw cushions at her.

RACHEL  
Gee, what?! What is wrong with New Year's?

ROSS  
Nothing for you, you have Stella! But for your information, New Year's is the most stressing holiday for single people. After Valentine's day, of course.

RACHEL  
How so?

CHANDLER  
You know, the desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss at midnight!

RACHEL  
Well, I'm sure I've said it before, but Stella will not be back from Canada for New Year's eve, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.

PHOEBE  
(rolls her eyes)  
Yeah, you wish!

MONICA  
Well... then I say... This year, no dates, we make a pact. Just the six of us - Dinner.

RACHEL  
What about Pete, though?

MONICA  
I don't like spending New Year's Eve with boyfriends that I'm not sure if I'll continue dating in the following year.

ROSS  
You wanna break up with Pete?

MONICA  
No! NO, of course not. Pete's great, but... There's just not a spark between us, you know? I feel like I'm missing on every possible love story I could be having right now just by being with him.

ROSS  
So you are gonna break up with him.

MONICA  
Maybe in January, maybe... When we're married with 3 children. I haven't made up my mind yet.

ROSS  
Okay... Makes total sense.

MONICA  
Do we have a deal, though? No dates?

EVERYONE  
(unenthusiastic)  
Yeah... Okay... Alright...

MONICA  
I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm.

  
Everyone just stares at her, with straight faces.

MONICA  
Okay...! Thank you for that.

Meanwhile, Rachel is fixing a mic by the side of the scene. She approaches Pheobe.

RACHEL  
Phoebs, you're on!

Phoebe jumps from her sit with her guitar and approaches the mic.

PHOEBE

Hi, there. I'm Phoebe Buffay, many of you might know me, so, uh, yeah, enjoy!  
(starts playing)  
_I had a cat named Lilly_  
_Why did she have to be so silly_  
_To stay in the room of frilly_  
_And die of carbon monoxide poisoning, really...?_  
(chorus)  
_La la la la Lilly_  
_La la la la Lilly_  
_I miss you Lilly._  
(end of chorus)  
_She did not die in Chile_  
_Not even in Piccadilly city_  
_But in the room of frilly..._  
_Oh... Lilly.....!_

  
Over the sound of Phoebe singing, we can hear two people [a guy and a girl] in the audience discussing loudly.

PHOEBE  
(chorus)  
_La la la la Lilly_  
_La la la la Lilly_  
_I miss you, oh -_  
(she stops abruptly)  
Excuse me, excuse me, noisy people!  
Is it something that you would like to share with the entire group?

THE GUY [MAX]  
No, no, no, we're sorry for interrupting!

PHOEBE  
Well, if it's important enough to discuss while I'm playing, don't you think it's important enough for everyone else to hear?

CHANDLER  
(to the group)  
Those guys are going to spend some time in detention!

THE WOMAN [LAUREL]  
Noth- I was- I was just saying to my-

PHOEBE  
(rolls her eyes)  
Could you speak a little louder, please?

  
The woman, Laurel, who's very short, short-ish hair and big glasses, stands up and speaks up.

LAUREL  
Sorry, I wa- I was just saying to my friend that I thought you were one of the most beautiful women that I'd ever seen in my- in my life. That you actually reminded me of Lisa Kudrow in her 20s, but with curlier hair, and... And... Yeah...  
And then he said that-  
(turns to her friend)  
you said you preferred conventional beauty... Like...

MAX  
Courteney Cox in her 20s.

LAUREL  
Yeah, and then I called him off by saying that the mere idea of a 'conventional beauty' was extremely sexist. And that you're- you are luminous with a kind of a delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that's when you started screaming at us.

She sits back down. Phoebe looks surprised for a few seconds.

PHOEBE  
(clears her throat)  
Okay, we're gonna take a short break.

She goes over to their table.

JOEY  
(to the group)  
Hey! That woman over there is gonna have some _fun in detention!_

CHANDLER  
I mean, we all have our Breakfast Club fantasies, right?

With that the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT. AFTERNOON.

  
Everyone is sitting at the living room, putting the Christmas's decorations in boxes. Ross' dog is wandering around.

ROSS  
Come here, Marcel. Sit here.

Marcel walks past him. He looks frustrated.

RACHEL  
(to Phoebe)  
I can't believe she hasn't kissed you yet!

ROSS  
(as if he thought Rachel was talking to him)  
Right? I think she hates me! Marcel hates me!

RACHEL  
Ross, honey. I was talking to Phoebe, the dog doesn't hate you just because she refuses to lick your face.

  
CHANDLER  
She licked _my_ face earlier.

ROSS  
_She did???_

RACHEL  
(clears her throat)  
But back to the subject, Phoebs! God, by my sixth date with Stella, I had already named both of her breasts!

Everyone just stares at her.

RACHEL  
...Ooh. Did I just share too much?

MONICA  
Just a smidge.

PHOEBE  
Uh... Laurel's like, shy, romantic, all about science... I mean, I haven't dated a scientist before, but they're supposed to be slow with those things, right??

CHANDLER  
Isaac Newton _did_ die a virgin.

JOEY  
Really?? Oh, man... Not even being the gravity guy is worth suffering that much.

MONICA  
That's a myth! We can't know that for sure. Some historians claim that he was actually gay and very good at hiding it.

CHANDLER  
I like the virgin story better.

JOEY  
Of course you do! You relate to it more!

CHANDLER  
... You bet!

RACHEL  
You know what, Phoebs? Why don't you kiss her?

PHOEBE  
I'm afraid to scare her off! It's like the universal law of dating, you let the shyest person do the first move whenever they're ready, so you won't scare them off.

CHANDLER  
Maybe she's waiting till' marriage...

Monica throws a cushion at him.

MONICA  
Don't say that! I think it's actually romantic.

PHOEBE  
Yeah... And she's so smart, and gentle, and sweet, and so pretty, and wise... And I just wanna be with her all the time. Day and night, and night and day... and special occasions...

CHANDLER  
(wides his eyes, and jumps from his sit)  
Wait a minute, wait a minute, I see where this is going! You're gonna ask her to New Year's! You're gonna break the pact!  
She's gonna break the pact!

PHOEBE  
(looks offended)  
No, no, no, no.... Actually, could I?

Chandler calms down and looks down guiltily.

CHANDLER  
Yeah, because I already invited Brian.

MONICA  
What?

JOEY  
Man, you broke the pact!

CHANDLER  
I snapped, okay? I couldn't handle the pressure and I snapped.

ROSS  
Yeah, but Brian??? He's not even your date! He's your friend! It's like you're cheating on us or something.

JOEY  
Yeah, it's like you're forcing this guy, _my ex_ , into our group.

CHANDLER  
Monica forced _Rachel_ into our group and no one complained!

RACHEL  
_HEY_!

JOEY  
Rachel's not anybody's ex!

CHANDLER  
She is kind of Monica's ex!

MONICA  
_HEY_!

CHANDLER  
I'm sorry, okay? I'm telling you I snapped! But what's the big deal anyways? Brian's a nice guy!

JOEY  
Yeah?? How would you feel if I became best friends with Janice out of the sudden and started bringing her along to our parties?

CHANDLER  
(shrugs)  
I'd be okay with it, I'd understand that I have no power over you, and over who you become friends with, and support you.

JOEY  
Oh, _really_?

RACHEL  
Guys??? Can you not fight over this? The pact was not to bring a date, right? So, as far as the pact is concerned, Phoebe is the only one breaking it so far.

JOEY  
Friendship dates count too!

CHANDLER  
Do I have to start _dating_ him just so it won't upset you?

JOEY  
That would be _worse_!

CHANDLER  
Alright, then. Friendship date it is.

ROSS  
(putting his hands on top of both of the dog's ears)  
Marcel is too young to hear her uncles having a domestic! Please, stop.

CHANDLER  
And you're her dad? You're seriously one of those _pet parents_ , now?

PHOEBE  
(screams)  
I refuse to see that happening to you.

  
MONICA  
Wait until he makes an Instagram account for the dog!

ROSS  
Wait... That's not a bad idea!

  
Everyone just starts making noises, as if they're cringing. With that the scene...

  
DISSOLVES TO:

INT. LAUREL'S LAB. AFTERNOON.

  
Laurel and Phoebe are inside a science lab. Phoebe is sitting on a table, whilst Laurel is explaining something and writing things on a whiteboard.

LAUREL  
So, we couldn't really prove this theory until last year because the technology to take pictures of things that reside 55 million light-years from earth still didn't exist...

PHOEBE  
Okay, alright. I have a question then.

  
Laurel smiles softly at Phoebe's interest.

LAUREL  
Sure...

Phoebe stands up and approaches her slowly.

PHOEBE  
You're not 55 million light-years away from me, so can I, maybe, kiss you?

Laurel wides her eyes in shock, and walks a few paces back.

LAUREL  
Wha- Phoebe, oh my god.

PHOEBE  
What? Did I do something wrong?

LAUREL  
No, no! I just didn't realize you were interested in me that way.

PHOEBE  
What? But we've been going out on dates, like for the past two days.

LAUREL  
Dates? Oh! I thought we were hanging out as friends.

PHOEBE  
(starts walking back)  
I'm so sorry, I got it all wrong, forget I said anything.

LAUREL  
No, no, no, no!! I'm gay, I'm super gay, a massive lesbian!

PHOEBE  
You're just... Not interested in me then?

LAUREL  
No! Phoebe! I like you, of course I do.

PHOEBE  
(frowns)  
Then I... Don't get it.

LAUREL  
I didn't know you liked girls! I can never tell if a girl is hitting on me or just being nice to me. I suck at this.

PHOEBE  
Oh no, it's high school all over again.

LAUREL  
I'm sorry... I... Yeah... High school all over again.

  
The fall into an awkward silence. Phoebe is back, sitting on the table.

PHOEBE  
So... Uh...

LAUREL  
Yeah... Uh...

PHOEBE  
It would be nice to kiss you. Your lips look soft.  
(Laurel blushes)  
No homo, though.

  
LAUREL  
What?

PHOEBE  
That was JUST a joke. I meant for it to be funny.

LAUREL  
(tries to laugh)  
Oh, okay.

PHOEBE  
Not the kissing part though.

LAUREL  
(looks relieved)  
OH, okay. Thank god.  
But shouldn't we wait for this phenomenal kiss to happen at this phenomenal moment, because, well, 'cause it's you and me... And, yeah, I never thought it would happen.

PHOEBE  
And by _never_ you mean the last two days?

LAUREL  
Yeah...

PHOEBE  
That's sweet. I just kinda want to sweep everything off this table and throw you down on it, though. 'Phenomenal' would be tiring, and you're... Right there.

Laurel is just blushing.

LAUREL  
_We can't sweep_... Imagine how hard it would be to put everything back afterward?

PHOEBE  
(looks disappointed, giving a half-hearted smile)  
Oh... Okay... No problem.

  
Laurel then walks to the table and almost sweeps.

LAUREL  
Alright! Fuck it. I'll sweep.

  
Then she picks up a microscope.

LAUREL  
Lemme just get this because it's expensive.

Then she gets a folder.

LAUREL  
And this because I can't throw the papers on the floor and let them get out of page order...

PHOEBE  
Laurel! Now you're just tidying.

LAUREL  
Okay, okay.

  
She sweeps the remaining papers off the desk and grabs Phoebe by the waist.

  
LAUREL  
You want me to actually throw you or you wanna just hop?

PHOEBE  
Wait a minute, miss. I said that _I'd_ throw you. Not the other way around.

LAUREL  
I asked: do you wanna hop, or do you want me to throw you?

PHOEBE  
_You_ can hop.

  
Without breaking eye contact, Laurel hops onto the table.  
Phoebe gets closer.

PHOEBE  
I think we're gonna have some fun with those power games.

And they finally kiss.  
With that the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. COFFEE HOUSE. EVENING.

  
They're all sitting at their usual spots.

ROSS  
So tell me something. What does the phrase 'no date pact' mean to you?

MONICA  
I'm sorry, okay?? It's just that Phoebe has someone, and Chandler has someone, and Pete slept over last night, so this morning it really felt like a good idea to invite him.

CHANDLER  
_Chandler_ doesn't have someone! I literally just invited a friend.

ROSS  
Whatever, dude. You don't need to remind us you and Brian are 100% platonic bros all the time, we get it!

CHANDLER  
What are you even implying by that??

ROSS  
That your insecurity is tiring!

CHANDLER  
(looks thoughtful)  
I think I've heard that in the bedroom once.

JOEY  
Oh, yeah, that one day my folks slept over so we shared a bed and I told you snored so you just spent the whole night awake because of that _one thing_ I said.

CHANDLER  
I meant that I've been told that _by a girl_ , Joey! By a girl!

RACHEL  
Okay, guys, this conversation is just painful.

MONICA  
It actually hurts!

ROSS  
So, okay, anyways.... On our no-date evening, three of you now have dates.

  
CHANDLER  
I don't!

ROSS  
(rolls his eyes and sighs.)  
Two and a half of you.

JOEY  
(looks like he is doing some hard math in his head)  
Four and a half. No! I mean, three and a half.  
(nods to himself)  
Yeah, three and a half.

ROSS  
(sighs)  
Three and a half.

RACHEL  
Four and a half.

ROSS  
(buries his head in his hands)  
Oh my god.

JOEY  
Now I'm really lost in those numbers.

  
RACHEL  
Sorry, okay? Stella is catching an early flight!

ROSS  
Okay, so I'm gonna be the only one with no one to kiss when the ball drops?

CHANDLER  
I won't have anyone to kiss either!

Everyone rolls their eyes.

MONICA  
See?? You two can kiss each other!

Chandler makes a disgusted face. Ross just stares at him.

ROSS  
Can we??

CHANDLER  
NO!

  
As that happens, Max [Laurel's science partner] walks in the coffee house.

MAX  
(to Phoebe)  
Hey, Phoebe.

PHOEBE  
Oh, hi, Max. Everyone this is Max. Max this is...

MAX  
(interrupts her)  
Hi, everyone. Phoebe, have you seen Laurel?

PHOEBE  
No, why?

MAX  
She won't answer my texts, or my calls, I even went over to her house and she wasn't there! Well, I thought she might be with you, but, well, I was wrong.

PHOEBE  
What, why? Did something happen?

MAX  
We did it, Phoebe! We're going to Minsk!

PHOEBE  
Minsk?

MAX  
Yeah, it's in Russia.

PHOEBE  
_I know where Minsk is!_

MAX  
We got the grant. Three years, all expenses paid. Seems like we're going to the other side of the cold war.

PHOEBE  
But- what- uh- Laurel can't live in Minsk! They hate gay people in Russia. And it's cold! Cold and homophobic!

MAX  
Well, she already made up her mind when we applied for the job.

MONICA  
Did you know that Russia was the first country in modern history to actually legalize homosexuality? In 1917, actually.

PHOEBE  
(looks angry at her)  
Too bad we're not in 1917 anymore, uh?

With that the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

  
INT. LAUREL'S LAB. AFTERNOON.

  
Max and Laurel are working in silence in the lab. Phoebe knocks on the door and walks in.

PHOEBE  
Hello?

  
Laurel sees her and immediately lightens up.

LAUREL  
Hi, there.

PHOEBE  
Hey!

She kisses her.

LAUREL  
So, uh, what are you doing here?

PHOEBE  
Um, well, Max told me about Minsk, so, uh.  
(Puts on a fake cheery voice) )  
Congratulations! This is so exciting!

MAX  
(looks up from his microscope and rolls his eyes)  
It'd be even more exciting if we were going.

PHOEBE  
Oh, you're not going? Why?

MAX  
Tell her, Laurel. 'I don't wanna go to Minsk and actually get well paid for the hard work we've been doing together since MIT, and spoil our chances of getting a Nobel prize for drastically changing the way people face astronomy forever. I wanna stay here and make out with this girl I've known for a week!!

As he says that, he just storms out.

LAUREL  
Don't mind him. He's just, you know, a man.

PHOEBE  
Yeah, uh, so, uh, you're really not going?

LAUREL  
I don't know yet... I'm really really confused... I... UH, _you decide!_

PHOEBE  
Don't do that. Don't do that to me.

LAUREL  
Please.

PHOEBE  
This is not one of our games, Laurel. This is not fun. You gotta decide for yourself.  
I can't be the one holding you back from getting a Nobel prize or whatever.

  
LAUREL  
I don't care about getting a Nobel Prize.

PHOEBE  
You will when you're 60 and you feel like your whole life was for nothing.

LAUREL  
Okay, then I decide.

PHOEBE  
Yes.

LAUREL  
I'll stay.

PHOEBE  
Okay.

LAUREL  
I'll stay.

  
She approaches the table and sweeps everything off.

PHOEBE  
You're getting good at this.

LAUREL  
It was Max's stuff. A _aaa_ nd it's your turn to hop on.

PHOEBE  
Alright, I won't argue this time.

  
She hops on and they kiss.

With that the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

  
INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT. EVENING.

  
It's new year's eve, the apartment is full of people dancing, and drinking. Chandler is sitting by himself on the sofa, his legs are restless, he keeps looking at his phone. He sends a text:

  
"Hey, are you arriving yet?"  
...  
"the party has started lmao"  
...  
"i miss you"  
...  
...  
...  
Brian from international law: hey, Chan.

Brian from international law: I am so sorry, you remember that I told you about Tom?

"The ex who went to China?"

Brian from international law: Sure.

Brian from international law: Well, he decided to come to NY for new years and my friends decided to make a party for him and I've been kinda neglecting them since we broke up, so I think I'm going.

"Oh, so you're spending new years with the amazing guy you dated for over a year?"

Brian from international law: Come on, Chan. I did spend hours on Christmas' eve seeing you cozying up with your roommate, I thought I could expect the same amount of trust from you.

"I'll miss you though. He must miss you way more than I do. I would if I were him"

Brian from international law: well, and I thought there was no such thing as jealousy between us.

"Have fun. :) "  
...  
Chandler blinks at his phone, he sighs a few times. Ross sits next to him with a beer in hands.

ROSS  
Is everything alright, dude?

CHANDLER  
Yeah, why?

ROSS  
You're having one of those moments where you sulk v _eee_ ry loudly.

Chandler opens his mouth to argue and then gives up.

CHANDLER  
I think I'm dying alone, Ross.

ROSS  
That's ridiculous. _I'm_ dying alone, _you_ have Joey.

CHANDLER  
You have me!

ROSS  
Well, it's different.

CHANDLER  
How so?

ROSS  
You guys are like... Soulmates, I'm like the third guy who's always there. Like that neighbor guy from Seinfeld.

CHANDLER  
Yeah, I can't argue with that.

  
Ross throws a cushion at him.

CHANDLER  
Joey's getting married and moving out someday though.

ROSS  
Dude???? You pay the bills, you buy groceries, you do the dishes, you play his silly games, watch his favorite movies... I doubt he'll find a marriage deal that tops that.

CHANDLER  
It's not that onesided though.

ROSS  
I don't know... Pity it's not possible for a person to turn gay.  
Because that would be _the deal_ for you, dude.

CHANDLER  
Alright, now it's the turning point where we just end this conversation and pretend it never happened.

  
Ross just shrugs. Monica sits next to them on the sofa, they don't talk, each one of them just look at their phones. This time, Monica's screen is shown.

  
"Pete: Mon. I've been meaning to tell you this, but i don't think it's a good idea for me to spend new years at yours."

"what? Why?"

"Pete: I want to be sincere with you. You're amazing. But do you think it's a good idea for us to spend new years together if things are not going that great between us?"

"Sure. Yeah. Happy new years."

Monica looks over to her friends.

  
MONICA  
'Guess who just got dumped by text? I  _knew_ I should have dumped him before.

CHANDLER  
Welcome to the club.

ROSS  
Marcel dumped me earlier... And I was bringing her as my date.

CHANDLER  
You should _thank the dog._

  
As that happens, the door opens and Rachel is standing there. Her coat is muddy and torn, her hair is disheveled and her face is bruised. Everyone turns to look.  
Monica stands up and goes to her in a hurry.

MONICA  
Oh my god, honey. What happened? Where's Stella?

  
Rachel comes in and sits down, Monica pours her some water.

RACHEL  
She's in Quebec.

MONICA  
What?

RACHEL  
She missed her flight.

CHANDLER  
And then you got so upset you threw yourself in front of a bus?

RACHEL  
NO! _CHANDLER_!

  
Everyone gathers around her.

RACHEL  
So, yeah, I spent two hours waiting for her at the airport and only THEN she sent me a text telling me she missed the flight. SO, I decided to buy a coffee, and I did! But as I was walking away with my coffee I realized I didn't have my purse with me, so I went back looking for it and I didn't find it. SO, yeah, I lost my ID, my phone, my wallet.... And I had to go home! But how??? So, I went to the subway station and this homeless guy gave me cash for me to buy a ticket and I did! And it was alright, but then I realized that I had never used the subway in New York before and I had no idea what to do. I thought I'd manage! But then I arrived at my stop, I walked out and I realized I had gone to Times Square! And I didn't have money to get back to the subway! So, I literally jumped the subway ratchet but this security guy saw me doing it and I started to run! I fell so many times, but I ended up getting in a train, and then another train, and then another, until I found home!

CHANDLER  
I'm not making a joke about that. Too much suffering.

ROSS  
Maybe, uh, you shouldn't go out on your own anymore?

MONICA  
(rolls her eyes at them)  
Come on, sweetie. Let's get you cleaned up, uh?

  
Rachel nods and they walk to the bathroom.

  
As that happens, people get back to partying. Joey approaches Chandler.

JOEY  
Hey, Chan!

CHANDLER  
Oh, hi, bud!

JOEY  
Uh, Brian hasn't arrived yet?

CHANDLER  
Oh, he isn't coming. He- uh- Actually, I decided to call the invitation off because, y'know, it seemed to be upsetting you guys.

                              JOEY  
What??? DUDE?? There was no need! We were     just making drama! I was at least.

CHANDLER  
Well, nothing can really be done anymore, right?

JOEY  
Sure.

  
CHANDLER  
And where's your date?

JOEY  
I don't know if she's coming as well. Actually, I'm going to the balcony to call her _right now_.

  
And he runs. Chandler looks like he doesn't understand what just happened. But then, someone opens the door behind him. It's Janice.

JANICE  
Oh... My... God... _Chandler Bing_! _It IS so nice to see you._

  
He widens his eyes, and starts turning back slowly to face her.

CHANDLER  
Janice? Hey!

JANICE  
Surprised to see me, sweet pie?

CHANDLER  
Yes, actually. Uh, I didn't know Monica had invited you to the party!

JANICE  
Monica didn't invite me! Joey did! We are _B-F-Fs_ now! He _had_ to invite me.

CHANDLER  
Oh, you're best friends? FOREVER?

JANICE  
Yeah, I admit I was a little surprised when he told me that but I suspect that he was only a tiny bit playing cupid for this _one friend of his who is still madly in love with his ex!_

  
CHANDLER  
Oh, I'd just love to meet him! But right now, I gotta go. Happy New Years.

  
And he goes running to the balcony. Joey is there typing nervously on his phone.

CHANDLER  
Hey, Joe.

JOEY  
Oh, hi, man.

CHANDLER  
Your date picked up the phone?

JOEY  
Oh, yeah, she told me she wouldn’t be able to make it.

CHANDLER  
Oh, why?

JOEY  
She... UH... She's got herpes. A rare case of herpes.  
(he starts whispering like it's something really serious)  
The doctors call it _Chlamydia_.

CHANDLER  
Oh, really? Because she's already here. And I _really_ should get myself tested.

JOEY  
What? What do you mean?

CHANDLER  
Janice is here, Joey. Your date Janice. Your  
(imitates Janice)  
_B-F-F._

JOEY  
OH... Okay, I just thought that since you were bringing my ex, I'd bring your ex.

CHANDLER  
Brian is not even here!

JOEY  
I didn't know that, I'm sorry!

CHANDLER  
And so you were really taking revenge on me for making a friend?

JOEY  
It's not that! I felt challenged, okay? You ignored my feelings and you told me that you wouldn't mind if I decided to bring _your_ ex into our lives.

CHANDLER  
So, instead of talking to me, you decided to take revenge?

JOEY  
I'm sorry!

CHANDLER  
That was very low of you.

JOEY  
I know! I'm sorry! Look, I promise I will clean the house and I won't have loud sex when you're in, for... Two weeks if you forgive me.

CHANDLER  
And now you're trying to buy my forgiveness? _Who even are you?_

JOEY  
For a month and I'll also cook?

CHANDLER  
Two months.

JOEY  
(half closes his eyes)  
Three.

  
Chandler half opens his mouth to argue, but then gives up and offers his hand.

CHANDLER  
Consider yourself forgiven, good sir.

Joey takes it, looking proud of himself. With that the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

  
INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT. CONTINUOUS.

  
Now the scene is focused on Laurel and Phoebe. Laurel is spoon feeding her pudding. Max walks up to them.

PHOEBE  
Oh, hi, Max!

MAX  
Yoko...

PHOEBE  
(to Laurel)  
Does that make you John? I think she's more like a McCartney kind of person.

But then Max turns to Laurel.

MAX  
Look. You know I love you, right? You're my best friend, you're the smartest person I've ever known, you're my partner, you've always been. And I know it won't be the same but I've decided to go to Minsk without you.

LAUREL  
Oh.

MAX  
Again. It won't be the same- but it'll still be Minsk. Happy New Year.

He walks off.

PHOEBE  
Are you alright?

LAUREL  
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Phoebe gently takes her hand and leads her to one of the bedrooms.

  
The scene moves to the back of the room. Chandler and Ross are sitting next to the balcony big window.

ROSS  
I wish Marcel would learn how to use a phone. I'm dead worried about her all alone at home!

CHANDLER  
Seriously? Dude, seriously? I mean, at least now I understand why you wanted a monkey, at least they have thumbs to pick up a phone.

ROSS  
_Right_???

Janice approaches them.

JANICE  
Chandler Bing! There you are! I've been looking for you!

CHANDLER  
Oh, hi, Janice!

She holds her phone up towards Ross.

ROSS  
Here, sweetie, I want you to take a _boomerang video_ of this sweetie and I for me to post on Instagram.

He takes the phone. She hugs Chandler.

JANICE  
Ready?

ROSS  
Sure. On one... Two... Three...

And she kisses Chandler on the cheek.

JANICE  
You got it?

ROSS  
Not really, we gotta do it again.

And she kisses him again.

JANICE  
What about now?

ROSS  
Sorry, I suck at this. Can you go again?

CHANDLER  
_Kill me! Kill me now._

  
But she kisses him again. Chandler stands up.

CHANDLER  
Alright, Janice, that's it! Janice... Janice... Hey, Janice, I did not invite you to this party, okay? I don't know where you got this idea that Joey is playing cupid or something, but it is not true to me, okay? I don't like you anymore. We're over.

JANICE  
Oh, no.  
CHANDLER  
I'm... sorry you misunderstood.

JANICE  
Oh my God. You listen to me, Chandler, you listen to me. One of these times is just gonna be your last chance with me.

She takes her phone violently from Ross' hand.

JANICE  
And I'm posting these pictures! Every single one of them!

And she runs off.

And the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

  
INT. RACHEL'S ROOM. CONTINUOS.

  
Laurel and Phoebe are in the room arguing.

PHOEBE  
You're going to Minsk.

LAUREL  
No, I'm not!

PHOEBE  
You belong in Minsk! You can't stay here just because of me.

LAUREL  
You told me that was my decision to make, and my decision is to stay with you!

PHOEBE  
So, you told me to decide. And I'm deciding for you right now.

LAUREL  
You know we won't last if we start online dating and stuff, right?

PHOEBE  
I do. So... You just say, um, 'Phoebe, my work is my life and that's what I have to do right now'. And I say  
(screams)  
'your work?! Your work?! How can you say that?!'.  
And then you say, um, 'I have no choice. Can't you understand that?'. And I say 'no! No! I can't understand that! I love you, don't fucking go!'.

LAUREL  
_You love me?_

PHOEBE  
Yes. And now's the time for you to put your arms around me.

She takes both of her hands and puts around her.

PHOEBE  
And you tell me that you love me too.

LAUREL  
I love you too, Phoebe. Of course I do.

PHOEBE  
And then you say that you can't be here at midnight, because it'll be too painful and you don't wanna start the new year with me if you can't finish it.

Laurel kisses her sweetly.

LAUREL  
(into the kiss)  
I'm gonna miss you.

PHOEBE  
Me too. It feels like you're right here, right now, a few touches away from me, but tomorrow we'll be 55 million light-years apart, and I won't have the mere technology to prove you were even real.

LAUREL  
(attempts to joke)  
Maybe we should take some pictures?? That's proof, right?

  
Phoebe giggles sadly. And they kiss again.

And with that, the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

  
INT. THE LIVING ROOM. LATER.

  
The six of them are lined up in the kitchen, while the guests are sitting in the living room, seeing Time's Square on TV.

GUY ON TV  
In twenty seconds it'll be midnight...

CHANDLER  
And the moment of joy has come for us to pretend we're cheerful.

JOEY  
(he looks around at all his friends looking miserable)  
Looks like that no date pact thing worked out, after all.

PHOEBE  
Everyone looks so happy! I hate that.

Midnight comes and everyone at the party except for the friends cheers and kisses.

CHANDLER  
Alright! Alright! Girls, please. I need a kiss! Please! For the sake of our friendship.

RACHEL  
Sorry, honey. I'm not kissing a guy at midnight, it will bring me bad luck.

 

CHANDLER  
Anyone else?

Phoebe and Monica shake their heads.

CHANDLER  
Alright, somebody kiss me. Somebody kiss me, it's midnight! Somebody kiss me!

JOEY  
Dude, calm down!

CHANDLER  
(screams)  
I'm calm!

  
Joey just rolls his eyes, and approaches him, wrapping his arms around his neck and takes his time giving him a soft, slow kiss on the lips. Meanwhile, Ross has his phone pointed at them and takes a picture.

  
With that, the scene...

FADES OUT.  
CUTS TO CREDITS.  
POST CREDIT SCENE.

  
INT. THE LIVING ROOM. LATER.

  
Right now, only the gang is in the apartment, they are tidying the flat up together. Chandler is the only one who's just sitting on the couch. His phone buzzes, he received a text from Brian.

It's a screenshot of Ross' Instagram story. It's a photo of Joey and Chandler kissing, both with their eyes closed, Joey's hand on Chandler's hair. There's a caption above the picture, with capital letters: "BRO LOVE AT MIDNIGHT. #HAPPYNEWYEARS.  
@chanandlerbong @tribbianij-man ".

Along with the screenshot Brian texted: "wow, i see you had your fun without me"

  
Chandler just stares at his phone for a few seconds with wide eyes. He then locks the screen and aggressively walks over to Ross who's doing dishes in the kitchen.

CHANDLER  
Really, Ross?

ROSS  
What?

  
CHANDLER  
_'Bro love at midnight, hashtag happy new years'???_

ROSS  
Yeah, so?? The picture was cute.

CHANDLER  
Dude, what part of the "everyone thinks I'm gay" fact about me you still don't understand? You can't just do things like that!

ROSS  
It is just a picture!

PHOEBE  
Come on, Chandler. If anyone asks you can just say that you're straight and that you're _too comfortable with your sexuality to mind kissing your best friend._

MONICA  
Straight girls love that!

RACHEL  
Yeah!

MONICA  
You know, you can't be _too comfortable,_ though.

RACHEL  
Yeah, straight girls have a limit.

Chandler just rolls his eyes.

JOEY  
(looking down at his own phone)  
We look cute, though, don't we? I'm reposting that in my stories. The girls are gonna go crazy about my super comfortable friendship with my straight roommate, and the guys are just gonna wish they were you.

CHANDLER  
(rolls his eyes even harder)  
You guys suck. All of you. Every single one of you.

  
He returns to the sofa sulking.

He gets his phone and hesitates, but then he types:

  
"well, I thought there was no such thing as jealousy between us."

  
Then he locks his phone very fast and throws it at the other side of the sofa.

With that, the scene...

FADES OUT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, so... This chapter looks very alike the original episode, because it's my favourite episode of season 1, and I decided to adapt it altogether. I hope you guys liked it!
> 
> Anyways, don't forget to let me know what you think about this episode.  
> Opinions, ideas, they're all welcome!  
> Your comments are the best things and I just explode every time I see a new one. You guys are awesome!
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you.


	8. The one with the artsy baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, there, everyone.  
> It took me so long to post this chapter, and I apologize. Also, I want to thank you all for all the amazing responses to the last chapter, and I might as well tell you guys that the reason why I always take so long to reply to all the comments is because I love all of them so so much, so I have a betting with myself, that I can only reply to all of them when I'm finished with the next chapter. Well, that helps a little with the procrastination.  
> Also, AO3's character limit (which I didn't even know that existed tbh) made be cut so many scenes off of this chapter, and each one of them felt like a piece of my soul being taken from me lmao.
> 
> Anyways, enjoy ;)

 

FADE IN:

INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT. 

Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table, wearing his working clothes, as if he just got home from work. On the table, there's a plate and all the ingredients to a sandwich. Right in front of him, there's two slices of cheese, he is looking at them as if he is deeply suffering. 

Joey walks in.

JOEY

Hey, man. 

CHANDLER

Hey, Joe. 

Joey walks past him, and then stops. He looks back at his friend as if something's not right.

JOEY

Is everything alright?

CHANDLER

I'm suffering. You have to execute me.

JOEY

What?  _Why_?

CHANDLER

(gesticulates to the cheese)

I just can't make up my mind. I've been sitting here in this position for half an hour now.

Joey half closes his eyes as if he understands the problem and is educated enough to solve it. He sits across from Chandler.

JOEY

Imma help you through it, okay?

CHANDLER

Okay.

JOEY

What happened?

CHANDLER

I got home from work. I'm really, really, really hungry. We had ran out of cheese, so I stole Monica's expensive cheese.

JOEY

Okay.

CHANDLER

There are only two slices and I'm really hungry. I can't decide if I should use the two slices in my sandwich now, so it will taste so good I might orgasm. Or if I should use one now and eat a regular sandwich, so tomorrow morning I won't have to eat a cheese-less sandwich.

Joey sighs dramatically: He has a big problem to mediate.

JOEY

(says slowly)

Okay. So, you have two options: ONE amazing sandwich or TWO regular sandwiches.

CHANDLER

Yes, Joey. That's exactly what I just said.

JOEY

That's a hard decision.  _Do what your heart tells you to,_  man.

CHANDLER

My heart tells me to have them both  _now_.

JOEY

Then do it!

CHANDLER

But I'll regret it in the morning!

JOEY

Then save it for tomorrow!

CHANDLER

But I really want to have an orgasm-tasting sandwich.

JOEY

You really need to get laid, dude. That's painful to hear.

CHANDLER

You're not helping me!

Joey thinks for a few seconds.

JOEY

I say you... Save the slice of cheese for breakfast and solve your... Other problem with your hands. You just don't need cheese for that. I mean, it helps a lot, but it's just not... Essential, is it? 

CHANDLER

(wides his eyes in surprise)

Sometimes you're just  _so wise._

JOEY

(Looks pride of himself)

You're welcome, man.

And he walks away from the kitchen. Chandler shrugs, looking satisfied with his choice, and puts the other slice of cheese in the fridge. 

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT. THE NEXT MORNING.

Joey looks like he just woke up, he is sitting by the kitchen's balcony with a half-eaten sandwich in hands. Chandler leaves the bathroom wearing a suit, with his hair wet.

CHANDLER

Morning, Joe.

He walks to the kitchen. 

JOEY

Hey, man.

Chandler opens the fridge and starts getting the ingredients to his sandwich. 

JOEY

Lookin' pretty wet, uh? 

CHANDLER

(stops what he is doing, stares at his friend)

What?  _Creepy_.

JOEY

What?

(realises what he just did)

OoOoh! No! I'm not coming on to you. I was trynna say that your hair is making your fancy shirt get soaking wet. You need to dry it up.

CHANDLER

Oh, okay.

JOEY

I'm flatted, though.

Chandler rolls his eyes. He starts looking for something in the fridge and gets impatient. Then, he looks at Joey with horror in his eyes.

CHANDLER

Joey?

JOEY

(he is in the middle of a bite at his own sandwich)

Uh?

CHANDLER

I'm gonna ask you something, and I need you to be pretty clear with me, okay?

Joey frowns and nods.

CHANDLER

_Where-is-the-cheese?_

Joey looks down, wides his eyes. Then he finishes his long bite, putting the sandwich back on the plate, and a long cheese string from the sandwich comes along with it.

CHANDLER

I can't believe it!

JOEY

I'm sorry! I forgot!

CHANDLER

You didn't  _forget!_  You manipulated me into saving the cheese so you could eat it!

JOEY

Who do you think I am,  _Hannibal Lecter_? You know I'm not smart enough to even think about doing that!

Chandler walks in a hurry and stops right in front of him. Joey stands from his sit, so they're about the same height, facing each other.

CHANDLER

(with a serious face)

I need you to hand me the sandwich.  _Right now._

JOEY

What?

CHANDLER

_ Now _

JOEY

What? Why?

CHANDLER

It is mine, by right!

JOEY

The  _cheese_  is yours. But what about the bread, and the lettuce, and...?

CHANDLER

_JOEY!_

JOEY

But, thinking about it... Technically, the cheese is  _Monica's._

Chandler then tries to take the sandwich by force, and Joey hops onto the balcony behind him and holds it up.

JOEY

You can't reach it!

CHANDLER

Stop being a child and give me the sandwich!

Chandler starts hopping onto the balcony too, and then he realises that he is basically between his friend's legs, so he moves right, to hop onto the balcony at his side and not on top of him, and that gives Joey time to put all of the sandwich in his mouth. Chandler looks devastated.

CHANDLER

You  _didn't_!

Without saying, Joey gives him a 'Just did' look.

CHANDLER

Don't you  _dare_  swallow!

Joey swallows. Chandler looks dramatically hurt. Without saying anything, he just breaks eye contact, gets his coat and starts walking out. Joey looks back.

JOEY

Chandler, man, you...

The door slams.

 

JOEY

... Still have to dry your hair.

He sighs. And with that the scene...

FADES OUT.

CUTS TO CREDITS.

INT. COFFEE HOUSE. EARLY EVENING.

Joey, Monica, Rachel and Ross are hanging out in the coffee house. Phoebe rushes in.

 

PHOEBE

(screams)

_Guys! Guys! Guys!_

 

EVERYONE

(looking unimpressed)

What? What? What?

 

PHOEBE

You can't imagine what just happened to me!

 

MONICA

Coming from you, I really, really can't, Phoebs.

 

ROSS

I expect everything: from a toilet flush that went wrong to 'my great great uncle is Keanu Reeves'.

 

JOEY

Dude... Nah... You just can't fill in for Chandler when he isn't part of the conversation.

 

RACHEL

Yes, honey, it doesn't suit you.

 

ROSS

What? He suddenly has the patent to sarcasm and I wasn't aware of it?

 

MONICA

Yeah, kinda...? I'm afraid you'll have to pay him up.

 

PHOEBE

Ross, you got it all wrong. Silly, my great great  _aunt_  is Keenu Reeves.

 

RACHEL

So... That's the big news?

 

PHOEBE

No, that's old news.

 

MONICA

Spill the big news out then.

 

PHOEBE

Okay. I got an email from this rich artist Joey's folks refered me to.

 

EVERYONE

Wow! That's great! And...??

 

PHOEBE

He said he watched my videos on youtube, and he wanted me to be part of his next neoconcretist art exhibition.

 

MONICA

You have a  _youtube channel_?

 

RACHEL

_Neocon- what?_

 

ROSS

Come on. Those questions are  _so_  last year.

 

PHOEBE

And, besides, he ended the email with 'Kind Regards'!

Everyone but Rachel cheers in surprise.

 

MONICA

So it's really serious, then!

 

PHOEBE

Yeah!

 

RACHEL

Guys? You got it from two words?

 

JOEY

Com'on, Rach. Even I know that when a job offering email ends with 'Kind regards', they'll probably pay you good money.

 

MONICA

But as soon as you get the job and your boss sends an email ending with 'Kind regards', you probably screwed up.

 

ROSS

(laughs)

Yeah, and if a  _colleague_  does the same thing, they're probably saying 'Screw  _you_ '.

 

RACHEL

Wow, thank god receiveing emails is not part of  _my job._ People normally don't have a secret language, they just say 'screw you' right at my face when I get their order

wrong.

 

ROSS

Which happens often. By the way.

 

MONICA

(looks worried)

Rach! Who would say that to you? That's so mean! I mean, look at you!

 

RACHEL

_You_  said that to me yesterday when I brought you the wrong coffee twice.

 

MONICA

I was late to work, okay?

 

RACHEL

Yeah... People often are. But... I  _mean, look at you!_

 

Monica rolls her eyes. As soon as that happens, Chandler walks in and goes towards them.

 

CHANDLER

Hello,  _Phoebs, Rach, Monica, Ross..._

Everyone greets him.

 

JOEY

Dude, you're really not saying hi to me?

 

CHANDLER

Nah, I'm saving it for later, I hope you don't steal it, though.

 

ROSS

Come on! You guys fought  _again???_

 

PHOEBE

It's not good to fight that much when you can't have angry make-up sex as a way out.

 

MONICA

Okay, what happened this time?

 

JOEY

I only ate a slice of cheese that was in the fridge!

 

RACHEL

So, the roles are reversed? Normally Joey gets angry at that.

 

CHANDLER

Okay, I'll speak on  _my_  behalf. Joey  _convinced_  me to save the last slice of cheese we had for breakfast, but then I woke up the next day and he was eating it!

 

Eveyone but Joey looks outraged, as if they see themselves in that situation.

 

JOEY

I told you I forgot!

 

CHANDLER

How do you expect me to believe you?

 

MONICA

I know how that feels... Yesterday I was looking forward to eating this last two slices of this expensive cheese I had in the fridge, but then when I woke up, Rachel had eaten them both!

 

RACHEL

Wait a minute... I thought  _you_ had eaten the cheese! I spent the whole day being passive-aggressively angry at you, haven't you noticed?

 

MONICA

So you didn't eat the cheese?

 

RACHEL

No.

 

MONICA

Who did, then?

They both look suspiciously at Joey and Chandler. They don't break eye contact for a few seconds. Until Joey breaks.

JOEY

(screams)

Chandler stole it, okay???  _He stole the cheese._

CHANDLER

_And now he is also a snitch..._ You're not gonna survive in prison, dude.

MONICA

Chandler! I had to eat a cheese-less sandwich today that made me spend the whole morning being miserable, all because of you!

ROSS

Yeah, dude, you screwed up this time.

RACHEL

We should start locking the door... With  _kind regards_.

CHANDLER

Alright! Alright! I'm a dirty cheese thief, I get it. But so is Joey! Why is nobody pointing fingers at him?

ROSS

A thief that steals from another thief is no thief at all, dude.

CHANDLER

Yeah,  _whatever_ , write a Bible or something!

PHOEBE

(snaps)

I bet that the cow who spent her whole life confined in a cubicle, being fed with hormones and heavy medicine, got raped and then had her child stolen from her as soon as it was born, so you could have that cheese, doesn't really care about who ate it. 

Everyone stays in awkward silence for a few seconds, Phoebe looks proud of herself.

CHANDLER

If we were in a sitcom where we could talk heads right now, I'd probably look at the camera and say...

He focuses his eyes on a point ahead, as if he was looking at a camera.

CHANDLER

_Our friend Phoebe is vegan. Never make a vegan friend if you're not vegan yourself, because they'll make sure to make you feel constantly morally inferior._

PHOEBE

Well, you  _are_ , Chandler!

CHANDLER

(looks suddenly sad)

Yes, I am.

ROSS

Dude, what did you just say?

CHANDLER

Hm... That I'm... morally inferior...?

ROSS

No, before. You said 'If we were in a sitcom  _where_  we could talk heads'.

CHANDLER

Yeah, so...?

(a realization hits him)

Ooooh, you expected me to say "in which" instead of "where"? Come on, dude. You're a big boy, you should understand that language is fluid.

ROSS

NO, man. Not  _that. It_'s just _t_ hat by saying that you implied that we  _are_  in a sitcom in which we  _can't  _talk heads. 

RACHEL

Ross, are you okay?

Everyone looks worried at him.

MONICA

Ross, we went over this so many times, it's impossible for us to be living in some kind of Truman Show.

ROSS

How do you know??? The people in Seinfeld don't seem to notice they're in a sitcom.

CHANDLER

I'm sure they hear the  _laugh tracks,_ over  _every single non-funny thing they say_.

There's a laugh track over this, and Chandler says:

CHANDLER

Do you hear any laugh track, Ross? 

ROSS

(hesitates)

_... No..._

They all sigh in relief.

CHANDLER

Good. That's good.

JOEY

Do you guys think our  _audience_  would like to hear about the job interview  _I_  got, or that would be too unfunny?

ROSS

Great, now I'm getting mocked forever.

MONICA

I've told you over and over not to share that with anyone but a therapist!

RACHEL

Ross, sweetie, don't worry! We'll forget all about it by the end of this  _episode._

Everyone laughs, Chandler looks proud of Rachel and they high five, Ross buries his head between his hands, he looks embarrassed.

ROSS

Joey, would you like to,  _please,_  tell us about the job?

JOEY

Okay, so, there's this woman on Instagram that has like, 5 million followers! And she is starting a youtube channel, so she's looking for a cameraman.

MONICA

I didn't know cameramen were needed for vlogs.

JOEY

Me neither! But the job is kinda stable, she is offering some good money, and I need to start paying for my own  _cheese_  anyways.

MONICA

(raises her eyebrows)

So does Chandler! You should ask her if she needs a private lawyer too.

PHOEBE

Maybe she needs an accountant! That's more or less like the job Chandler already does.

ROSS

Yeah! Without the ' _knowing the constitution'_ part, which is kinda useless for that job.

CHANDLER

Okay! Now you're just offending me! I'll make sure to steal  _your_  cheese next time.

ROSS

And I'll make sure to steal it back and feed it to Joey!

Chandler throws a cushion at his face.

And with that the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT. AFTERNOON.

Brian and Chandler are alone in the living room, Brian is sitting on the couch, Chandler is laying with his head on Brian's lap, and he is playing with his hair with one hand and typing on his phone with the other, Chandler has his eyes closed. He opens them suddenly.

CHANDLER

Hey, Brian.

BRIAN

(puts his phone down)

Yeah?

CHANDLER

If I were to be a World War 2 leader, who do you think I'd be?

BRIAN

What do you mean?

CHANDLER

You know, like a Buzzfead quiz, you answer some questions and they tell you which character fits your personality...

BRIAN

You want me to ask you questions?

CHANDLER

Come on! You already know me, there's no need. 

BRIAN

Okay...

Brian looks dramatically thoughtful.

CHANDLER

Please, don't say Mussolini.  _Or Hitler_. Please, do  _not_ say Hitler. If you say Hitler I'm breaking up with you.

BRIAN

That sounds like a thing  _Stalin_  would say... Yeah, I think that makes you Stalin.

CHANDLER

_No_! Brian,  _no_! You're literally calling your boyfriend a genocide!

BRIAN

I mean, we're talking about World War 2 leaders here. You don't leave me with many options.

CHANDLER

Stalin killed 6 million people!

BRIAN

But we're talking personality, right? So, I say you're Stalin. Simple as that.

CHANDLER

And I think we should see other people.

BRIAN

Come on! You even look a bit like Stalin when he was young. He was... Kinda hot.

CHANDLER

(cringes)

No _oo_! I can't believe you have a thing for dictators.

BRIAN

(shrugs, clearly joking)

Maybe you should grow a mustache.

CHANDLER

Alright,  _Winston Churchill._

BRIAN

You're saying I'm Churchill?

CHANDLER

Yep. Methodical, kinda diplomatic, grumpy as hell...

BRIAN

I'm not  _grumpy_ , you are! And you're way more methodical than me...

CHANDLER

Well, I guess that leaves me with Churchill, then. And you are... Let me think about it...  _Stalin_.

BRIAN

You're  _really_  dropping Stalin on me?

CHANDLER

Yeah, I guess karma is a bitch. 

BRIAN

That was a major Churchill move, though.  _Well done_.

Chandler smiles and offers him an upside down high five, Brian takes it.

BRIAN

And if I'm the Russia guy, I might as well burn the house down and get the hell outta here before Joey walks in and sees that I've been  _d oing stuff _with England _._

CHANDLER

You did  _not  _just call him Hitler!

BRIAN

I didn't call him  _anything_. It could have easily been Napoleon! That's why I said "Russia guy", and not "Stalin".

CHANDLER

That was the most political incorrect thing I've ever heard you saying.

BRIAN

(looks sad, says non-ironically)

Yeah... I don't think I'll manage to fall asleep tonight.  _You_ make me feel comfortable to sound mean, Chandler. That's dangerous.

Chandler just smiles at him, like he just heard the sweetest thing. Then, there's the noise of a key turning in the door, and Chandler quickly sits up, fixing his hair.

Joey walks in in a hurry. Chandler turns back on the sofa to face him.

CHANDLER

Hey, Joe. Already finished with the interview? 

Joey doesn't pay much attention to him, he is looking for something in the kitchen.

JOEY

Nah, man. I didn’t even make it there yet, I forgot my phone.

He looks up for the first time and notices that Brian, too, is in the flat.

JOEY

Oh. Hey, Brian. I didn’t realise you were making in-home  _friendship_  appointments now.

BRIAN

You'd be  _surprised_ , man.

Chandler slightly slaps him on the arm.

JOEY

Found it!

(he holds his phone up as if it’s the most precious thing)

BRIAN

Joey, before you leave...

JOEY

Yeah?

BRIAN

I just want your insight on something.

JOEY

Sure!

BRIAN

If Chandler were to be a World War 2 leader, who do you think he’d be?

Joey stops what he is doing to think about the question. He looks very thoughtful. He half opens his mouth to say something.

CHANDLER

Don't you  _dare_  say Hitler!

JOEY

(frowns)

But that’s the only name I know, man.

CHANDLER

Then don’t say anything! 

JOEY

(Rolls his eyes)

I‘m outta here. Don't do anything without condoms, kids.

He walks out and closes the door. Still looking at the door's direction Chandler says: 

CHANDLER

How do you think we should fit in a condom in the pie recipe we were plannig to make?

Chandler turns back to Brian and sees that he is laughing, but not at his joke. He's laughing at his phone.

 CHANDLER

What’s so funny?

 

BRIAN

Oh, it’s Tom. He just sent me a meme. 

Chandler frowns, he opens his mouth to speak, and then closes it again.

CHANDLER

(hesitates)

You guys are, uh, texting again?

BRIAN

Yep. We talked the other day and... I mean, we were good friends before we started dating and stuff and I don‘t see why we can‘t start being friends again, now it's over for good. 

CHANDLER

Okay...

There‘s a few seconds of awkward silence. Chandler looks down at his hands.

CHANDLER

And did he have a safe trip back to China?

Brian wides his eyes, then closes them, and looks at Chandler with caution.

BRIAN

About that... uh, didn’t I mention this? He, uh, his job there didn’t really work out. He is back in New York.

CHANDLER

He is back for good?

BRIAN

I think so.

CHANDLER

(snaps)

Alright...!

Chandler walks to the kitchen and opens the fridge, but just stares at what’s inside. Brian follows him and stops at the balcony.

BRIAN

Come on, Chandler. There's nothing for you to worry about. Tom is like... he is like... My Joey!  _He‘s like my Joey._  

CHANDLER

I've never fucked Joey.

BRIAN

Well, you two seemed to be quite comfortable with  _kissing_  each other on special occasions.

CHANDLER

Oh, come on! You‘re still caught up with that? We’ve talked about it already, Brian.

BRIAN

Yeah, we talked about it, but it doesn't change the fact that you kissed him.

CHANDLER

_He_  kissed  _me_! And it was just an innocent peck on the lips between friends!

BRIAN

There’s no such thing as an ‘innocent peck on the lips’ when it comes to Joey! I’ve been with him, alright? I know how he is!

CHANDLER

You do realise that you saying that blows your narrative that I shouldn’t worry about Tom because he is ‘your _Joey_ ’, right?

BRIAN

So you’re admitting that Joey  _does_  come-on to you?

CHANDLER

No!  _You_  said that. You’re literally putting words in my mouth!

Brian sighs, they stare at one another for a few seconds, in a challenging way. But then, at the same time, they both start laughing loudly.

BRIAN

(out of breath)

Oh my god, it feels like we're fighting in court! Twisting each other's narratives, putting words in each other's mouths...

CHANDLER

Right?? It should be illegal for two lawyers to date.

BRIAN

Yeah, I take pity on our future children. They will never win an argument. 

Chandler looks dramatically shocked, he swallows loudly.

CHANDLER

_Our future children?_

BRIAN

Yeah, so...? A man can dream.

CHANDLER

And you're trying to cool down my insecurities by casually mentioning children?

BRIAN

Yep.

CHANDLER

As if you didn't know that it makes me freak the hell out, because I'm terrified of commitment?

BRIAN

... Yep.

CHANDLER

(smiling)

That's incredibly manipulative and low. 

BRIAN

Is it?

Brian approaches him and kisses him briefly and Chandler melts into it.

BRIAN

Let's not fight anymore, uh? 

Chandler is still in shock. Brian brushes his hand off the fridge door.

BRIAN

And let's close this, otherwise you will pay  _our children_ 's college fund worth of light bills.

He closes the fridge door and Chandler hugs him tight.

Chandler's cellphone buzzes in his hands, that rest on Brian's back. He reads the text without breaking the embrace.

CHANDLER

Oh.

BRIAN

(whispers)

What?

CHANDLER

Carol’s in labour.

BRIAN

Carol?

CHANDLER

Ross’ ex wife who‘s pregnant with a child that might be his. 

Brian breaks the hug to face Chandler directly.

BRIAN

_Might_  be his?

CHANDLER

Long story, long story... I gotta rush to the hospital.

BRIAN

Sure, are we taking the tube? 

Chandler hesitates. 

CHANDLER

Actually, Brian... I don’t think it's a good idea for you to go, it's something rather... Personal to Ross.

 

Brian looks hurt but let’s it go.

BRIAN

Should we walk together to the subway station, then?

CHANDLER

I’m, uh, fetching the girls next door, so...

BRIAN

Oh. Right. Okay. Uh. I’m leaving, then. Before they notice that I’ve been here. They might become... Suspicious, right? 

CHANDLER

Brian...

But he rushes out the door and slams it shut. Chandler sighs loudly.

And with that the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. A FANCY RESTAURANT. CONTINUOS.

Joey is sitting across from a woman in the restaurant. She is extremely dressed up, she has long blond straight hair, she has Kylie Jenner lips, and a visibly artificial tan.

ALISON

(says while looking down at her phone)

So, uh, Joey, right?

JOEY

Yes! 

ALISON

So, my channel will be mostly makeup tutorials, and like... Relatable videos about my personal experiences that will get me views...

JOEY

And I'll... Set the camera? 

ALISON

I need you to understand that I'm not only hiring a camera-guy, okay? You'll also be like... My PR, you're gonna edit my videos...

JOEY

I can handle that.

ALISON

So, you're gay? 

JOEY

(frowns visibly)

Uh, I'm, uh, bi. But how...?

 

She points at Joey's phone on the table.

ALISON

You just got a Grindr notification there. 

JOEY

Oh.

Joey flips his phone, so the screen is not visible anymore.

ALISON

That's good, you know. I don't want my employee feeling sexually attracted to me.

JOEY

I'm not going to... I'm not... But, uh, I said I'm bi... 

ALISON

Well, there's no such thing as bisexual men, sweetie. Deep down they're all gay.

Joey just frowns visibly. He opens his mouth to speak but she interrupts him.

ALISON

Oh! I need to introduce you to my gay B-F-F,  _Brandon_. I think you guys are gonna make such a cute couple! You're a perfect match! You've got so much in common. 

JOEY

Uh, okay... What do we have in common?

ALISON

Uh....... Okay..... For starters, you're both gay. And you both  _like men!_  So, yeah,  _a perfect match_!

Joey sips on his water, looking embarrassed.

ALISON

Don't you agree, Joey?

JOEY

Uh, sure...

He takes a sip of his coffee, she is looking at her phone, and without looking up she says: 

ALISON

Your phone just buzzed, sister.

And he turns the phone up.

JOEY

Oh... My friend is about to have a child.

ALISON

Is she? That's sweet.

JOEY

Uh, it's a he, actually.

ALISON

Oh, I'm so _ooo_  progressive, you know. I think it's awesome that gay men are, like, having children now. I would've loved to have had two dads, I think. Don't get me wrong,  _My mom's kind of a bitch._  

And she starts laughing. 

Joey stares for a few seconds.

JOEY

Uh... Actually, uh, my friend's having a child with his... Ex wife. He is, uh, straight.

ALISON

Oh! You're friends with a straight guy?

JOEY

Yes...?

ALISON

But I thought you had said you were gay.

JOEY

... Bi.

ALISON

And you're friends with a straight guy?

JOEY

... Yes. 

ALISON

I didn't know that was a thing!

And she starts laughing, Joey laughs along, looking nervous.

She suddenly stands up, offering him her hand.

ALISON

Alright, anyways, you're hired.

He gives her a half-hearted smile and shakes her hand. And with that the scene...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOSPITAL'S WAITING ROOM. CONTINUOUS.

Phoebe, Monica, Rachel and Chandler are all sitting in the waiting room looking bored, at their phones.

CHANDLER

(sighs loudly)

Oh my god, how long does it take for a baby to be born?

MONICA

It's only been 40 minutes since we arrived, Chandler.

CHANDLER

Isn't that supposed to be an eternity for you, as it is for me?

RACHEL

Honey, it usually takes hours for a baby to be born.

CHANDLER

Then what the hell are we even doing here?

PHOEBE

As Ross' only friends, we're being supportive.

RACHEL

_"A_ _s his only friends_ "? Isn't 5 close friends already a great deal of friends to have? I can't barely administrate all of you guys!

CHANDLER

I don't know, I've never had more than 2 friends before, and now I suddenly have all this weird people following  _me_  around. 

And then Joey rushes in the waiting room, in a hurry.

JOEY

Did I miss it, did I miss it?

CHANDLER

Chill, man. We'll be here for hours.

JOEY

(looks outraged)

_What_?

CHANDLER

_Right_???

RACHEL

The last we heard from Ross, he told us that Carol had already passed the mucus plug.

 Joey makes a sound of absolute disgust.

JOEY

Do I have to know about that?

MONICA

Joey, what are you gonna do when  _you_  have a baby?

JOEY

I'll be sitting comfortably in a chair, signing the adoption papers.

RACHEL

(pinches his cheeks)

Oh, honey, you're so precious.

JOEY

I'll probably never have financial stability to have a child anyways... 

CHANDLER

Oh, speaking of which, how did the interview go?

As he hears the question, he sighs loudly, and sinks into his chair.

JOEY

It went horrible! I can't believe I'm gonna be working for that woman.

PHOEBE

Come on, Joey. She can’t be that bad...

JOEY

Okay, she told me that bisexuality is not a real thing, and that her friend and I would be a perfect match just because we’re both  _gay_. 

All of them cringe at once, dramatically.

CHANDLER

You don't have to take that job, dude. I can, y'know, keep helping you out till you find something better.

JOEY

That's sweet of you to say but it's weird! I should have like... Pride or something, and not keep taking your money.

CHANDLER

Who said you won't ever pay me back?

JOEY

With what,  _blowjobs?_

CHANDLER

_No_!

PHOEBE

That is actually a great idea! 

Joey hides his face with his hands and everyone shoots Phoebe angry looks.

PHOEBE

What? How do you guys think that people paid for things when money didn't exist?

MONICA

With... Salt, chickens, then... Gold...?

PHOEBE

Monica, for a history teacher you're very badly informed. Men in ancient Greece walked around sucking each other's dicks all the time because the concept of money still didn't exist!

JOEY

I thought they were all just... Really bisexual.

CHANDLER

(clearly sarcastically)

No, no, no, no, no, the  _Romans_  were bisexual. The Greek were, in fact,  _homosexual_.

PHOEBE

See...??

MONICA

Karl Marx would actually be very proud of your theory, Phoebs.

PHOEBE

What does my theory have to do with communism?

MONICA

No, not that... But the fact that he believed that every aspect of a society is mainly defined by its economy structure and...

Everyone just states at her like they don't get it.

MONICA

... Nevermind.

RACHEL

Joey, honey. You're only 24... I get that you want money but, I mean, look at me! I work as waitress, and Phoebe! She works at a shop! And it's alright... You don't always get to have your dream job.

JOEY

So you say, I take the job?

RACHEL

Yeah, honey. I say that sometimes you gotta put up with a bad boss.

CHANDLER

She has all the authority to say that, dude. She puts up with Monica! 

MONICA

_Hey_! I'm not a bad boss...

Everyone just stares at her, and she realises what she just said. 

MONICA

And I'm not Rachel's boss at all!

(she turns to Rachel)

You don't think of me as a boss, do you, Rach?

RACHEL

(hesitates)

... No...

And with that, the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. CAROL'S HOSPITAL ROOM. CONTINUOUS.

Carol is on the bed, breathing heavily and Ross and Bruce are at opposite sides of the bed, each holding one of her hands.

The doctor walks in.

DOCTOR FRANZ

Hey, how's my favorite parenting team doing?

BRUCE

Doctor Franz, hi. 

DOCTOR FRANZ

So, I understand you're thinking of having a baby? Well, I see you're nine months pregnant. That's a good start. How you doing with your contractions?

CAROL

(looks angrily at him)

Oh, I love them. Each one's like a little party in my uterus.

BRUCE

They're every four minutes and last 55 seconds.

ROSS

59 seconds.

BRUCE

I'm sure it's 55.

ROSS

I'm the doctor!

BRUCE

I didn't know that time was a part of the human body you could specialize on!

CAROL

(rolls her eyes)

Am I allowed to drink anything?

THE DOCTOR AND ROSS AT THE SAME TIME

Only ice chips.

ROSS

... I know that because I too am a doctor.

THE DOCTOR

And the ice chips are at the nurses' station.

BRUCE

I'll get it.

ROSS

No, I'm getting it. I'll be right back.

BRUCE

I got it—I'm getting it!

They both leave the room in a hurry, just as Chandler enters the room, holding a cup.

CHANDLER

(handing her the cup)

Hi, Monica thought you might like some ice chips.

CAROL

Thanks! Why didn't she bring them herself, though? It would've been nice to see her.

CHANDLER

She didn't want to bump into happy people with babies. It's a sensitive subject for her. 

CAROL

Oh, I get it...

But then the doctor, again, steps into the scene.

DOCTOR FRANZ

I don't believe we've met.

CHANDLER

Oh, hi. I'm, uh, Chandler Bing. I'm Carol's... ex-husband's... sister's neighbor.

DOCTOR FRANZ

(offering his hand)

It is nice to meet you, Chandler. I'm Dr. Franz. I'm your neighbor's... brother's... ex-wife's obstetrician.

Chandler just nods, starting to walk towards the door. 

CHANDLER

Carol, if you need anything else, just give any of us a ring, will you?

But Carol is too busy with her heavy breaths.

The doctor opens the door for Chandler to walk out, and steps closer as he walks through. 

DOCTOR FRANZ

(whispers)

And I'm a bit upset I've never found you on grindr.

Chandler turns his head toward him quickly, looking surprised.

CHANDLER

I'm not on... I'm not... I don't... Uh... I have a... Uh... I really gotta go. I have, uh, the runs! 

And he literally runs out of the room.

And with that the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. HOSPITAL'S WAITING ROOM. CONTINUOUS.

Joey has fallen asleep on Monica's shoulder, Rachel is sitting next to her, looking down at her phone.

A woman passes by them with a stroller and two babies in it.

MONICA

Oh, look, Rach! Twins!

RACHEL

(without looking up)

They’re so cute aren’t they?

MONICA

No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two?

RACHEL

(Finally looks at Monica)

You'll get one, honey.

MONICA

Oh, yeah? When?

RACHEL

Alright, Mon. Let’s do this this way: When we‘re both 40 if neither one of us are married, why don’t we just... Raise a child together?

MONICA

Why won't I be married when I'm 40?

RACHEL

Come on, sweetie, I just meant hypothetically.

MONICA

Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?

RACHEL

No, no, no, no...

MONICA

What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?

RACHEL

We’ll get married then!

MONICA

Because no one else in the world wanted to marry you, so you’ll choose me because I’m so unmarriable that I’m your last choice?

RACHEL

No! Mon! You know I didn’t mean that! 

MONICA

Didn't you?

Rachel looks trapped and stands up.

RACHEL

Actually... Uh, do you want some coffee? I’m getting coffee.

Monica shakes her head and Rachel leaves. Monica closes her eyes and drops her head on top of Joey’s.

With that the scene...

 

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. SOME HALL IN THE HOSPITAL. CONTINUOUS.

Phoebe is randomly walking in a hall, humming along with a song, when she bumps into Bruce and Ross arguing in a corner.

 

BRUCE

(screams)

You know what I think? I think that you're threatened by me!

ROSS

Oh, _I'm_ threatened by _you_?

BRUCE

Yes! Because you know that, it doesn't matter the outcome of who the real father is,  _I'm_ gonna be the one who raises the child with Carol.

ROSS

Oh, yeah, because a guy who doesn't feel at least a tiny bit morally guilty for messing up a marriage is gonna be a great role model for my son!

Phoebe, then, leaves the place where she's hidden to listen to the argument, and she decides to intervene.

She comes down the hall, taking them into a broom closet.

 

PHOEBE

 Hey, hey, ok, all right, that's it! Get in here. Come on. 

They all go in.

Phoebe starts screaming. 

PHOEBE

My god, you guys, I don't believe you. There are children coming into the world in this very building and your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing. So just stop all the yelling, just stop it!

 

ROSS

Yeah... Bruce.

 

PHOEBE

(she keeps screaming)

Don't make me do this again. I hate my voice like this.

 

They both nod, looking clearly afraid of Phoebe. She goes to leave the room, but the door is locked.

 

PHOEBE

Ok... Who wants to hear something funny?

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOSPITAL'S WAITING ROOM. CONTINUOUS.

Monica is on the phone with her mother, Rachel is standing behind her.

 

MONICA

Now, Mom, everything's going fine, really.

(Listens)

Yeah, Ross is great. He's uh, he's in a whole other place.

(Listens)

No, he's gone.

(Listens)

No no, you don't have to fly back, really.

(Listens)

What do you mean this might be your only chance?

(Listens)

Would you stop? I'm only 25, I'm not even thinking about babies yet.

 

Monica sees a woman passing by with a baby and starts crying. Rachel takes the phone from her hand and hangs up.

 

RACHEL

Mon, are you okay?

 

MONICA

Yeah, yeah, sure. I'm just emotional, with my possible nephew being born, and...

 

She starts walking away to the bathroom. Rachel stays where she stands, when Chandler approaches her.

 

RACHEL

Hey, sweetie, where have you been?

 

CHANDLER

I've been flirting, Rach. Flirting!

 

RACHEL

What? What do you mean?

 

CHANDLER

There's this hot doctor hitting on me.

 

RACHEL

Yes...?

 

CHANDLER

And I think I've been flirting back!

 

RACHEL

What? What about Brian?

 

CHANDLER

Exactly! I'm a horrible person! Horrible! Just horrible!

 

RACHEL

Did you like, give him your number, or say you were interested?

 

CHANDLER

No!

 

RACHEL

Then you weren't really disrespecting Brian.

 

CHANDLER

But I didn't say I  _wasn't_  interested.

 

RACHEL

Look, everybody does that, okay? I even flirt back sometimes when  _guys_  hit on me. It's all about ego and feeling wanted.

 

CHANDLER

Really?

 

RACHEL

Yes, honey, relax, alright? You're doing just fine.

 

He nods along, and sighs in relief.

And the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

 

INT. THE BROOM CLOSET. CONTINUOUS.

Ross and Bruce are punching the door, yelling for someone to open it. Phoebe walks around in the tiny space she has, breathing heavily.

 

PHOEBE

Oh my god, I've never wanted to come out of the closet so bad in my entire life. Not even when I was a teenager.

 

Ross takes his phone out of his pocket.

 

ROSS

There's still no phone signal, the hospital's wi-fi doesn't work here...

 

BRUCE

We're gonna die in here! The baby just went from two possible fathers to no father at all!

 

ROSS

This is supposed to be, like, the greatest day of my life, y'know? My son is being born, and I should be in there, you know, instead of stuck in a closet with you.

 

BRUCE

Look, for the time being, the baby is as much as my son as he is yours! I've been waiting for this just as much as you have.

 

ROSS

No, no, no, believe me. No one has been waiting for this as much as I have, ok? And you know what the funny thing is? When this day is over, you get to go home with the baby, ok? And maybe when the DNA test is done, he might be 100% yours! You and Carol can forget that I exist at all! Ben won't even have to know that once he had an almost father named Ross in his life!

 

BRUCE

(just frowns)

Oh.

 

PHOEBE

This is great!

 

They both turn to her.

 

PHOEBE

 I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has like an amazing mom, and two guys who already love him so much, that all they want in life right now is to be his father, even though it's not biologically possible for the baby to have two fathers, don't you guys realise that he already does? And he's not even born yet. It's just, he's just the luckiest baby in the whole world. He has 3 entire parents all for himself.

 

They just stare at her.

 

PHOEBE

I'm sorry, I interrupted your fighting.

 

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CAROL'S HOSPITAL ROOM. CONTINUOUS.

Carol is carrying Ben in her arms; Doctor Franz, Rachel, Chandler, Monica and Joey are all around her, smiling down at the baby. Bruce and Ross rush in the room, Phoebe coming in behind them.

 

BRUCE

The baby is here!

 

ROSS

Oh god, the baby is here.

 

They approach the baby with heart eyes.

 

CAROL

Where have you two idiots been?

 

BRUCE

We were stuck in a broom closet.

 

ROSS

Yeah, we're so sorry.

 

BRUCE

But the baby is here!

 

ROSS

(waves at him)

Hello, Ben!

 

BRUCE

Look, Ross. He's got your eyes!

 

ROSS

What? He's got your nose!

 

BRUCE

And Carol's lips!

 

CAROL

Guys? Should we take the DNA samples?

 

Bruce and Ross exchange glances, then they look at Phoebe. She nods.

 

BRUCE

What if... We don't?

 

CAROL

What do you mean?

 

ROSS

Uh, maybe we don't really need to know, don't you think?

CAROL

I'm sorry?

BRUCE

I mean, both Ross and I want so bad to be his father... That we already feel like we are.

ROSS

And maybe he already is the luckiest little guy in the world for having 3 parents that love him endlessly. 

Behind them, all five of the friends stare at one another, in utter surprise. Carol smiles at them and nods, like that was the most beautiful thing she's ever heard.

CAROL

Look, Ben! I'm mommy, and that guy right there

(she points at Bruce)

Is daddy. And that guy right there

(she points at Ross)

Is papa.

ROSS

But I wanna be daddy!

BRUCE

(rolls his eyes, and basically yells)

Alright, alright, we can switch! 

And everyone in the room laughs sweetly, and with that the scene...

 

FADES OUT.

CUT TO CREDITS.

POST CREDIT SCENE:

INT. AN ART GALLERY. TWO MONTHS LATER.

Joey, Monica, Rachel and Chandler walk into a crowded art gallery. Everything, absolutely everything is white. There are no paintings in the walls, or any art at all to be seen.

JOEY

(whispers)

Where's the art?

MONICA

(whispers back)

What if the white walls are the art we paid to see?

RACHEL

(whispers too)

And where's Phoebe? 

CHANDLER

Maybe she went missing in the name of modern art.

 

And then, Ross appears from behind the crowd, he is holding the baby.

RACHEL

Oh my god, hey, there, tiny Benny.

MONICA

Ross! You brought the baby!

ROSS

(with a baby voice)

Yes, I did. Right, Benny? He came to see aunt Phoebe cheering this boring art exhibition up.

CHANDLER

Seriously, dude. I'm having nightmares with that voice. Please, stop.

MONICA

You brought a 2 months old baby into a crowded place! Does Carol know you brought him here? 

ROSS

Look, I didn't know there would be this many people in here, okay? But Ben's okay.

Monica shrugs.

ROSS

Where's Phoebe? And... Where's the art?

 

And then, a white curtain from behind the room opens, showing a room with one wall of glass (so the crowd sees what's inside). In there, there's Phoebe sitting in a chair with her guitar, wearing a long white gown. Everyone turns to watch her.

 

JOEY

(whispers)

Oh my god, it's Phoebe!

MONICA

Wait a minute, she is not playing  _at_  an art exhibition, her playing  _is_  the art exhibition.

 

Everyone looks surprised at the realisation and Phoebe starts playing.

 

PHOEBE

(in the rhythm of the song Something)

_Something in the way she died_

_Made me weep like no other death_

_Something in the she tried to kill me too..._

_I don't wanna bury her now_

_I know she prefers cremation..._

 

And then, instead of playing the riff of the song with her guitar, she does it with "lalala"s.

And then the camera turns to the 5 friends watching her proudly, waving, and smiling. Joey's filming her with his phone. And with that the scene...

FADES OUT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, don't forget to let me know what you think about this episode.  
> Opinions, ideas, they're all welcome!  
> Your comments make me so so happy, I could explode.
> 
> At last, you can find me on tumblr! It's @b-ismillah.


	9. The one with two parts: part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm back!  
> I hope you guys enjoy the new episode ;)

FADE IN:

INT. COFFEE HOUSE. SOME OTHER DAY.

Everyone but Joey is hanging out at the coffee house, in comfortable silence. Until Joey walks in, with a newspaper in hands.

JOEY

Phoebs! Phoebs! Phoebs! The New York Times wrote about your art exhibition!

PHOEBE

What???

JOEY

Look! That's your picture!

And then, Joey sits down next to Monica, who takes it from his hand, she starts handing it to Phoebe, who refuses.

PHOEBE

Read it! Read it! I don't have the guts.

And Monica starts reading it.

MONICA

(She reads aloud, making faces of embarrassment)

' _The performance did a great job on making the audience uncomfortable, creating a flawless bridge showing that it was not a music concert, but an art piece. And, yes, sometimes, art must be ugly. Sometimes art must make you cringe’_

 

Everyone looks uncomfortable. Phoebe just looks blank.

MONICA

‘It doesn‘t really matter who sang the songs, or who played the guitar. Being an angelic-looking girl or whomever. It really wasn‘t about the looks of it, but the sounds’

 

MONICA

(looks up, hesitant)

... Should I keep reading?

And nobody answers, she stops anyways. Ross stands up.

ROSS

Can I see it?

CHANDLER

It‘s really not about the looks of it, Ross.

He looks around, no one is laughing.

And Monica hands the paper to Ross.

ROSS

Oh.

MONICA

What?

ROSS

(he reads aloud)

"Neoconcretist artist, Andrew Levistky, earned half a million dollars with only one week of exhibition. Most of that money, earned by the broadcasting rights he sold to several art sites. And for that, he was extremely criticised by other neoconcretists. "

RACHEL

Oh my god, Phoebs...!

JOEY

Phoebs! You're rich!

PHOEBE

But I... I... Only got 2 thousand dollars! And it was... Before the day of the exhibition.

 

CHANDLER

What?

PHOEBE

And he didn't do anything! He just... Rented the gallery, I guess.

CHANDLER

 

You could sue him...

 

PHOEBE

I... I... Modern art sucks anyways!

 

RACHEL

Phoebs, the paper didn’t even mention your name! That’s so unfair.

 

CHANDLER

You definitely should sue him...

 

ROSS

Oh, yeah, Chandler... And you'd be glad to assist, right? As long as you get 30% of the compensation if you win the case.

 

CHANDLER

(looks as if he's just got caught)

I'm a little short on money, okay?

(sarcastically, gesturing at Joey)

I have a family to provide for.

 

Joey just rolls his eyes.

PHOEBE

(ignores Ross and Chandler, and says as if she's talking to her own thoughts.)

... You know what? That's why you should never trust white middle aged men.

 

MONICA

That's... Surplus value at its best.

 

CHANDLER

Yeah, Phoebe. Karl Marx's ghost is doing everything he can to make you run a revolution.

 

 

PHOEBE

And didn‘t you guys hear what they said?

She violently takes the paper from Ross’ hand and reads aloud.

PHOEBE

 

’It doesn‘t really matter who sang the songs, or who played the guitar. Being an angelic-looking girl or whomever.‘  _I’m_  an angelic-looking girl or  _whomever_!

 

JOEY

And ‘whomever’ is not even a thing anymore!

 

MONICA

What do you mean?

JOEY

 

Everyone knows that it‘s a thing the british brought here to make our lives harder, so it would be easier to colonise us.

CHANDLER

 

Oh, well, so we dropped it into the

sea along with the tea?

Joey rolls his eyes.

CHANDLER

... Oh, boy. That was  _one hell_  of a party!

 

MONICA

Actually, it’s really quite simple. You use “whoever” when it’s the subject of the sentence and “whomever” when it’s the object.

 

PHOEBE

Oh! It makes all the sense.

 

JOEY

How so?

 

PHOEBE

Because that guy used me as an object.

Joey nods, as if he really gets it now.

 

JOEY

Ooooh! So  _you’re_  a “whomever”!

Phoebe nods, looking sad. Everyone else shots angry looks at Joey, and he shrugs at them as if he doesn’t understand what he did wrong.

And with that the scene...

FADE OUT.

CUT TO CREDITS:

EXT. A RANDOM NEW YORK STREET. AFTERNOON.

Joey and his boss, Alison, leave a store together. Joey is holding lots of shopping bags, she is talking on the phone. She hangs up.

 

ALISON

Oh my god, Brandon was like, supposed to be here by now.

JOEY

 

Brandon...?

ALISON

 

Oh, yeah. My gay  _bff_! We're meeting him and you're going with him to his house, because I forgot some shoes there last week, so you're going there with him, and you're taking them to my place tomorrow. Am I being clear?

 

JOEY

Sure... But couldn't just ask him to send the shoes by some delivery app or something?

 

ALISON

Oh, yeah, totally. But I am totally just playing cupid here.

JOEY

(looks surprised)

Oh...

Alison suddenly points at someone walking along the crowd.

ALISON

Look! There he is.

A blonde, tall, utterly handsome man walks toward them. Joey looks suprised. The man, Brandon, hugs Alison and gives her two kisses on the cheeks.

BRANDON

 

(turning to Joey)

So, you're the new employee... 

(he offers a hand shake)

I'm Brandon.

 

JOEY

(takes his hand and shakes strongly)

_How you doin'?_  I'm Joey.

ALISON

 

So, yeah... I gotta go now, my uber's here.

She takes the bags from Joey and leaves.

JOEY

(smirks, flirtly)

So, should we go to your place right away or...

BRANDON

 

Actually, could we stop by a bar just a few blocks away from here?

 

JOEY

Why, you wanna buy me a drink first?

 

BRANDON

(actually laughs at that)

No...!

 

JOEY

'Wanna me to buy you a drink first?

 

BRANDON

Tell me that's not code for top and bottom.

 

JOEY

(confused)

I hadn't thought of that...

(then, his confused face turns into a flirty smirk)

But if you want it to be...

 

BRANDON

(rolls his eyes)

I just need to get my keys with my sister and she works at a bar a few blocks away from here, so that's why we need to pop by.

JOEY

 

Oh, okay.

 

BRANDON

Tell me why we're flirting, again?

JOEY

 

I mean, you're a literally a clean-shaved nordic god, so...

 

BRANDON

_Aaa_ nd, Alison won't shup up about us getting together.

JOEY

 

Oh, yeah, that sounds more like it... Why are you guys even friends?

 

BRANDON

(takes a deep breath)

I ask myself that question all the time.

Joey shrugs, and they walk together. With that, the scene...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. A BAR. CONTINUOUS.

Brandon and Joey walk into a bar. The lights are low, the place is small-ish and cozy.

 

 

BRANDON

You can sit down if you want, I'm going to look for my sister.

 JOEY

Sure!

And he sits down at a table. He fetches his phone and starts typing.

Tha camera focuses on Brandon, even though Joey stays by the side of the frame, distracted by his phone.

A woman leaves the kitchen, wearing an apron. Brandon, approches her, they talk shortly and she fetches a kew from her pocket. He takes it and walks toward Joey.

 

BRANDON

Shall we go, then?

JOEY

Dude, who even says "shall" nowadays? It's 2019.

Brandon's sister approches them, Joey wides his eyes in surprise. Brandon's sister is no one else than Phoebe herself. Actually, of course it's not her, but her sister Ursula, who looks exactly like her.

URSULA

So, yeah, Brandon. Just don't leave the windows open again, alright? Because it's gonna rain today, and won't be home until 10pm.

BRANDON

Okay, okay.

And Joey hugs her, warmly. She doesn't hug back, she just looks neutral.

JOEY

Hey!! What are you doing here?

URSULA

Um, I was over there, then my brother asked me for my keys because he handed his' to his ex, and he doesn't have the guts to ask them back, even though they broke up a while ago. So now I’m here to let him know that he shouldn't leave the windows open. Because _he is an idiot who needs a mommy to order him around._

BRANDON

Oh, come on! Do you need to expose me like that?

JOEY

But... how come you are working here?

URSULA

 Right, yeah, ’cause it's close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.

JOEY

Oh my god, and you have a brother!

URSULA

Yes, I do. So... Yeah, bye.

And she just leaves.

BRANDON

Wow, you do ask some questions.

JOEY

Of course I do! She's one of my best friends and I didn't even know she had a brother.

BRANDON

Oh, yeah, she's like that. Very neutral and secretive, I wouldn't think much of it if I were you.

JOEY

Yeah...

BRANDON

It's such a small world, though.

JOEY

(he still looks hesitant)

Take me to your place, then.

Brandon rolls his eyes, but smiles. They leave together.

With that the scene...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. AN OFFICE BREAK ROOM. SOMETIME THAT AFTERNOON.

In the break room of the law firm where Chandler works, there is a group of people gossiping.

Chandler enters the room and they don't stop.

WOMAN 1

Oh, come on. I think he is cute!

 

WOMAN 2

I think so too.

MAN 1

He apparently only has eyes for Brian, though.

And with that, Chandler has their attention.

CHANDLER

International law, Brian?

 

MAN 2

Oh, hey, Chandler didn’t realise you were there.

 

MAN 1

We were just gossiping about this new guy in international law.

 

CHANDLER

(trying to look casual)

Oh, new guy, uh?

WOMAN 1

Yeah! Do you remember that there was this guy in international law who only worked there because he is one of the bosses’ son?

 

CHANDLER

Of course I remember Timmy. Timmy is a nice guy!

WOMAN 2

_Was_  a nice guy! Because he is no longer working here.

CHANDLER

Well, that was unexpected... I mean, with his lack of experience, the fact that he graduated through the internet, the fact that he often came in with hangovers and stuff...

MAN 1

Dude, he wasn’t fired! He quit!

CHANDLER

Oh?? Such a shame, nepotism suited him well.

Everyone laughs at his joke, he looks proud of himself.

 

MAN 2

Well, he decided to quit his job, and become a backpacker in Europe.

CHANDLER

Oh, I get it... To travel, and think of yourself as spiritually transcendent only because you bought drugs with your dad's money.

 

WOMAN 1

I don't judge him...

CHANDLER

... So, the new guy...

WOMAN 1

Oh, yeah. He is so cute.

 

WOMAN 2

He doesn't really talk to anyone, though.

MAN 1

Oh, yeah, only with Brian. I think they were already friends before.

MAN 2

I heard that they are exes!

Chandler just looks red.

WOMAN 1

I wonder if they're lovers!

Chandler, then, chokes on his yogurt.

 

WOMAN 2

I bet they are! Have you seen them? So much chemistry...

Chandler starts coughing.

CHANDLER

Oh, yeah, nice, nice, nice, nice...! I'm going, then. Good talk! Bye!

And he leaves the room. Everyone shrugs and just keeps chatting. With that, the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. MONICA'S LIVING ROOM. AFTERNOON.

Monica and Phoebe are both sitting on the couch, with a bowl of popcorn, watching TV.

PHOEBE

 

Pause it, pause it, pause it! I gotta pee, the last time I spent 24 hours without peeing, I ended up in a hospital. And health just is something I can't really afford right

now.

MONICA

 

You haven't peed for 24 hours?

PHOEBE

 

Yeah!

MONICA

 

Why?

PHOEBE

 

(already on her way to the bathroom)

God, woman! You ask too many questions!

 

And she slams the bathroom door. As soon as she does that, and Monica gets back to the television, Joey walks in the flat in a hurry.

JOEY

 

Monica! You're home! You won't believe what happened to me today!

 

MONICA

Hello to you too!

JOEY

 

Oh, yeah, hello, whatever...

(and he says really really fast, barely understandable)

Phoebe has a secret brother AND a secret job at a bar!

 

MONICA

Wait, wait, wait, wait... What?

But as soon as Joey opens his mouth to explain himself, Phoebe leaves the bathroom.

PHOEBE

 

Oh, hey, Joey!

Joey looks as if he's just seen a ghost.

JOEY

 

(hesitant)

Hey... Phoebs! Shouldn't you be at... work?

 

PHOEBE

I convinced Monica to call in sick at work without being actually sick for the first time in her whole life! Well, I did it too, for the hundredth time, of course.But then we had a nice time watching Breaking Bad all day long.

JOEY

 

(looks confused)

... All day long?

 

PHOEBE

Yeah!

JOEY

 

But you mean,  _all_  day...? Without... breaks?

 

PHOEBE

Oh, yeah! I only got to pee just now.

JOEY

 

But...!

 

MONICA

Joey, what's up with you?

JOEY

 

Actually, Mon. Can you come over to my place? I need your help with this... Cleaning stuff I've been doing.

 

MONICA

You mean, chores?

JOEY

 

Yes. Can you give me a hand?

Monica looks hesitant.

PHOEBE

If you go, I'm not pausing.

JOEY

(looks as if he's in pain)

Monica, please...

 

MONICA

Okay, okay...

 

Joey sighs in relief. And he leaves the flat, Monica follows him. With that the scene...

MOVES TO:

INT. THE HALL. CONTINUOUS.

Monica is walking toward Joey's apartment door, but he stops at the hall.

JOEY

(whispers)

Monica, oh my god.

MONICA

 

(whispers back)

What? Joey, you're scaring me.

 

JOEY

I need you not to freak out, okay?

 

MONICA

Okay!

JOEY

 

But... I really think that this whole deal of Phoebe being a witch is actually true. Like  _really_  true.

 

MONICA

What do you mean, really true?

JOEY

 

I mean that she's a real witch, like the ones from movies and all that stuff.

 

MONICA

Joey... Are you okay?

JOEY

 

I'm fine, okay? But I  _know_  that while Phoebe was watching Tv with you, she was also working at a bar, that is like... 4 subway lines away from here. So, what's the only logical explanation? She really is a witch, like she always says she is, and she can be in two places at the same time!

 

MONICA

Oh god, you've gone insane!

JOEY

 

No, I haven't! Aaand, that also explains why she was acting so weird earlier.

 

MONICA

What do you mean, weird?

JOEY

 

Like... As if she wasn‘t there, you know? Acting all automatic and all non-Phoebeish.

 

MONICA

Okay, let's  _assume_  you're telling the truth, then how do you know all of this?

JOEY

 

I saw her at the bar! This very afternoon! I talked to her! I met her brother! I  _flirted_  with her brother! That was very much real!

 

MONICA

Wait a minute... Her brother?

JOEY

 

Yes!

 

MONICA

Joey... Is this a prank? Because I'm actually concerned with you. This is not funny. Phoebe is an only child.

JOEY

 

She told you that herself?

 

MONICA

Yes! I mean, no! I don't know... I just assumed.

JOEY

 

See??? Come with me, we're going to that bar and you're gonna see that she's there with your own eyes!

 

MONICA

But she's in my apartment, Joey.

JOEY

 

Exactly! Come on!

And he takes her by the hand. With that the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. AN OFFICE BREAK ROOM. SOMETIME THAT AFTERNOON.

Chandler is back in the break room. He is now alone, and he has another yogurt in hands. He looks miserable.

Brian walks in the room.

BRIAN

Hey, Winston.

 

CHANDLER

(nods toward him without much enthusiasm)

...Comrade Stalin.

BRIAN

 

Woah, woah, woah, what happened to just “Josef"? I thought we were intimate.

 

CHANDLER

I'm not in the  _mood_ , Brian.

BRIAN

 

Okay, that's new. What happened?

 

CHANDLER

I'm having a shitty day, that's all.

BRIAN

 

Your  _calculator_  broke again?

 

CHANDLER

(laughs forcely)

Ha, ha, that's so funny, you're a funny guy, Brian. And guess what? I'm a miserable guy. So,  _back the hell down._

Brian sits next to him, he reaches out to his face.

BRIAN

 

Hey... Is there-

But then the door opens and he retracts his hand. A tall, average looking guy walks in.

TOM

 

Brian! I've been looking for you.

 

BRIAN

Oh, hey, Tom.

(stands up)

This is my  _friend_  Chandler.

 

Chandler vividly cringes at the word "friend" and stares horrified at Brian for a few seconds. But then he stands up and offers his hand.

CHANDLER

 

Oh, you're Tom? Ex-boyfriend Tom?

TOM

 

(takes the hand and shakes)

Yeah, yeah, I think that might be me.

 

CHANDLER

(bitterly, but Tom doesn't notice)

You have  _no_  idea, Brian talks  _so much_  about you that I feel like I know you already.

TOM

 

(side-eyes Brian, smirking)

Does he, now?

 

BRIAN

(clears his throat, in an attempt to break through the tension)

So, uh, Tom's working here now. Did you hear that, uh, Timmy quit?

 

CHANDLER

Oh, I did, I did.  _Everyone_ is talking about it. And about the two of you!

(and then he says bitterly, as if the fact that Brian hasn't told Tom that he is dating Chandler is still hiting him)

I'm afraid that you guys are the new office ship... I mean, every firm needs its season 1 Jim and Pam to keep gossip going, right?

BRIAN

 

Chandler...

But Tom is laughing.

TOM

 

I'm just glad Brian's not engaged or anything.

And Brian is just staring at the floor.

 

CHANDLER

Oh, he's not, right,  _buddy?_ He is so single.  _So_ single...

BRIAN

 

Okay, you guys, enough about me, don't you guys think?

 

TOM

(rolls eyes)

Oh, yeah, Brian's never watched The Office.

 

CHANDLER

... And he thinks that's a personality trait.

BRIAN

 

Guys? I said, enough about me.

Chandler shrugs and sits back at the table, getting back to his yogurt. Tom sits there as well. Brian takes a deep breath and joins them.

 

CHANDLER

So, Tom, how did you end up in Timmy's place?

TOM

 

It's a long story... I had been living in Hong Kong for a while, but then my job there ended up not working out, so I traveled back to New York, I decided to stay... But I was having trouble getting back on my feet, so Brian here.

(pats on his shoulder)

Personally recomended me to HR, and they kinda liked my resume, so... Here I am!

 

Chandler nods and doesn't say anything, Brian just looks down at his hands. Tom notices the awkward atmosfere and breaks the silence:

TOM

 

So, Chandler, any advice on how to get by in this firm?

 

CHANDLER

Well, y’know, usual stuff. Be friendly and do a good job so you won’t have to bribe any judge.

 

Nobody laughs and that makes Chandler desperate and anxious, so he keeps going. 

CHANDLER

 

Because you know, we don’t have a bribe fund anymore, so if you come to that point, the money will have to come out of your own pocket.

Nobody laughs. Chandler becomes even more desperate.

CHANDLER

 

Which is why I’m broke.

Tom looks at him in utter disbelief. And Brian decides to intervene.

BRIAN

 

Tom, Chandler is joking. 

 

CHANDLER

Of course I’m joking, did you think I was being serious? 

And everybody laughs in relief.

TOM

 

Ooooh! I didn’t really know what to think. But that’s a relief. 

 

CHANDLER

Oh, yeah! Of course. How could I possibly be broke at 25? That’s absurd. I’m in Financial!

Tom wides his eyes, he doesn’t know what to say. 

CHANDLER

 

That was another joke right there. Of course.

TOM

 

oh! Oh! Okay. Oh my god. You’re good. I... Wow! 

 

BRIAN

Oh, yeah. Chandler is a funny guy, right, buddy?

TOM

 

So, uh, don’t you have any real advise?

 

CHANDLER

I don’t know. Be friends with everyone. Make alliances...

BRIAN

 

Oh, yes, god, yes! If Jesus were to work here he would have to make alliances even with Judas.

 

And then, Tom is belly-laughing, as if Brian was the funniest guy in the world.

Chandler rolls his eyes at that.

 

CHANDLER

I‘m getting back to work, then.

He stands up, angrily throws his yogurt in the trash and leaves the room.

 

With that the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. A BAR. THAT SAME AFTERNOON.

Monica and Joey walk in the bar. Ursula is standing by the bar, talking to a waiter. Joey discreetly points at her.

JOEY

 

(whispers)

See? That's her!

 

MONICA

(she takes a moment to digest the fact that the woman looks exactly like Phoebe)

It must be her sister.

JOEY

 

Are you blind or something? It's Phoebe!

 

MONICA

Joey, Phoebe is in my apartment.

JOEY

 

Exactly! That's the whole point. She's a witch! She says so herself all the time.

 

MONICA

Joey, it must her  _twin_  sister.

JOEY

 

What? Monica, stop being naive!

 

MONICA

How am  _I_  being naive?

 

JOEY

Haven't you watched any detective shows at all?

 

MONICA

What does that have to do with anything?

JOEY

 

Rule number one of detective shows: It is  _never_  twins.

Monica rolls her eyes at that.

 

MONICA

Let's just go talk to her!

Joey nods, and they walk toward her discreetly.

MONICA

 

Excuse me, ma'm?

URSULA

 

Oh, hey. Can I help you?

Ursula doesn't change her tone in sentences, she also doesn't have that many facial expressions. She doesn't sound enthusiastic or anything. She is not at all like Phoebe.

JOEY

 

Do you remember me from earlier?

 

URSULA

I don't know, I see many people everyday. But  _you_...

(to Monica)

I think I'd remember you.

MONICA

 

(flatted)

Okay, uh, miss. We just wanted come by and say that we actually happen to know your twin sister...?

 

URSULA

Uh... I don't really have a twin sister, sorry.

JOEY

 

Phoebe Buffay? Tall, white, blonde, looks exactly like you...?

 

URSULA

That's a bit generic.

JOEY

 

(looks like he is thinking too hard)

Look! That's her.

 

And he holds up his cellphone camera to her face, so she can look at herself.

MONICA

(intervenes)

Okay, uh, Joey, that's enough. You really, really, don't know that you have a twin sister?

URSULA

 

I do have triplets.

Both Monica and Joey let out a breath of relief.

URSULA

 

There's like, a guy. His name is Brandon. A girl, Regina, who looks just like me, but we haven't seen her in a long, long time.

JOEY

 

Oh my god, that's Phoebe! We know her! She's our best friend.

 

URSULA

Actually, my shift ends in an hour. So, if you wanna hear more about our tragic childhood...

JOEY

 

Okay! We can wait.

 

URSULA

(nods at Monica)

Not you, the cute girl.

MONICA

 

Sure, uh, Joey had a, uh, thing anyways, right? Uh, I'm just gonna sit there and wait.

 

Joey shoots her a look of disbelief.

URSULA

Sure.

And then Joey and Monica walk to a table.

 

JOEY

 

(whispers)

See? I was right.

ONICA

 

No you weren't!  _I_  was right. Kinda.

JOEY

 

No, Monica. I was right about you being wrong. It  _is_  never twins. But  _sometimes,_ only sometimes, it's triplets.

 

Monica rolls her eyes. And Joey walks out, looking cocky. Monica stays, looking anxious. And with that the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

EXT. A BUILDING FIRE SCAPE. THAT SAME DAY.

Chandler is looking down at the traffic, holding a cigarette. After a few seconds, Brian opens the door and comes near him.

BRIAN

 

You weren't at your desk.

 

CHANDLER

What?

BRIAN

 

You said you were going back to work, Chandler.

 

CHANDLER

(in a sarcastic, joking tone)

Oh, yeah, I'm back working on my early death project, by destroying my lungs as fast as I can.

(he takes a deep drag, with a pure, ironic, expression of bliss)

 

Brian averts his eyes at that, he runs his hands through his face.

BRIAN

Are you gonna tell me what's going on, then?

CHANDLER

 

Tom is what's going on. I just realised that he is the true love of my life. Maybe you should break up with him so I can have a chance.

BRIAN

 

Chandler, please.

 

CHANDLER

You didn't tell him that we are dating! He thinks I'm your  _friend,_ Brian.

BRIAN

 

Isn't our relationship a secret we must take to our graves?

 

CHANDLER

It's not a secret secret! We kiss in the streets, we hold hands, a few people in the office even think we have a fling!

BRIAN

Your friends don't know. Your family don't know. I actually know nothing about your familly.

 

CHANDLER

... Rachel knows.

 

BRIAN

Rachel is  _one_  person, Chandler.

CHANDLER

(he ironically gasps in surprise)

Well, guess what?? So is Tom!

Brian opens his mouth to say something, he gives up and looks ahead.

BRIAN

You know what? I'm out of here. Good luck on your project.

CHANDLER

Well, thank you, sir.

And Brian goes into the building. As the door slams, Chandler closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He takes the pack of cigarettes from his pocket, takes one, looks down at it, hesitates. And with a "well, fuck it" expression, he takes one, lights it up, and takes a drag of it along with the other cigarette he already had in his mouth. With that, the scene...

DISSOLVES TO:

INT. A SMALL LIVING ROOM. SOME OTHER MORNING.

The scene begins with a sight of an empty room, it's the living room of Ursula and Brandon's place. Soon, Joey leaves the bathroom at the side of the frame, wearing a robe, and goes over to the small kitchen and pours coffee. After a few seconds, Monica leaves a room (she too is wearing a robe), surprised at the sight of Joey.

 

MONICA

Well, I guess Ursula has vanished.

JOEY

... So has Brandon.

 

MONICA

You know Phoebe can't know about this, right?

JOEY

 

Oh, yeah, Brandon told me not to say anything.

 

Joey pours coffee in another cup, goes over to the living room and hands it to Monica, they don't look at each other in the eyes. They both sit on the couch sipping on their mugs, looking ahead. A few seconds of awkward silence goes by.

JOEY

So, uh, I didn't know you were this... Loud.

MONICA

 

And I didn't know you... Liked it  _this rough_.

 

Joey nods, looking ahead again and takes another sip.

MONICA

 

... God... I hate thin walls.

JOEY

 

Yeah, this is kind of awkward.

 

MONICA

Kind of? Joey, it almost felt liked we were somehow having sex with  _each other!_

JOEY

 

Right...? With each other  _and Phoebe_!

 

MONICA

And  _two_  Phoebes!

JOEY

 

And one of them has like... A  _dingus_! A nice one, by the way...

 

MONICA

Joey!

JOEY

What? At least I'm not the one sleeping with the  _identical_ triplet...

MONICA

They're totally different, okay? Phoebe's Phoebe, Ursula's... Incredibly attractive.

JOEY

If you say so...

And they both take sips at their mugs.

 

MONICA

We should never talk about that ever again...

JOEY

Oh, yeah, right. I think I'm having dreams with last night events for the rest of my life.

 

MONICA

When you're alone, you can wet your bed as much as you want, but we're not sleeping here at the same time ever again.

JOEY

 

... Okay, we can take turns...

And, again, they take sips.

JOEY

 

You know what? I think it's unfair that Pheobe and them act as if they don't even exist because of some stupid fight they had when they were teens...

 

MONICA

It's none of our business, Joey. We don't know what the fight was about...

JOEY

 

Still, we should reunite them...

 

MONICA

We have no right.

JOEY

 

Oh, come on! Let's make it big! A big gesture that will force them to face their issues and make up...

 

MONICA

Joey... That's a terrible idea...

But then, with the camera zoomed in Monica's face, the scene...

MOVES TO:

INT. MONICA'S LIVING ROOM. LATER THAT DAY.

The camera zooms out, and Monica is now in her leaving room, wearing normal day clothes. She's standing up in front of the TV, next to Joey. Rachel, Chandler and Ross are sitting on the couch, with looks of complete disbelief.

MONICA

(in complete excitment)

...So, as you all know, Phoebe's birthday is in a few weeks, and, obviously, so is her siblings'. So, we were thinking... We should tell Phoebe that we're having a dinner party here, just for us, y'know.

JOEY

And to the siblings, we should say we're having a big date night with them and our friends. So, you guys should bring dates.

MONICA

So, when the three of them arrive they'll see each other after 12 years apart.

 

JOEY

... And make up.

A few seconds of silence.

 

MONICA

Okay, we are now open to questions.

The three people on the couch raise their hands at the same time.

MONICA

Rachel...

RACHEL

Okay, I just don't get how two of the triplets are identical and the other one is a cis guy, and is not... Identical.

MONICA

I also thought it was not possible, but I googled it and it actually is.

JOEY

(claps his hands as if he was a football coach)

Come on, people. Only ask questions that a quick google search can't answer!

 

MONICA

Alright, Ross, your turn.

 

ROSS

Don't you think that Phoebe is going to, the very least, freak out at the fact that you're dating her identical triplet, considering that you guys used to date?

 

RACHEL

(gasps in surprised)

Monica and Phoebe used to date???

JOEY

You already had your chance to ask a question, miss Green. Mister Bing, it's your turn.

CHANDLER

No, no, no, no... Go ahead, miss Green, I don't wanna speak anymore.

MONICA

... Rachel, we only dated for a short while. When we first met. It was years ago.

RACHEL

Why is no one surprised? You all knew about this but me?

And they all nod.

RACHEL

Oh my god! Monica's had sex with  _Phoebe_!

CHANDLER

(puts a hand of her shoulder)

Rach, calm down, it's no big deal! They only moved in together within a week of knowing each other.

RACHEL

(screams)

What?

Monica shoots Chandler a killing look, that gives him visible chills.

 

MONICA

It's not like that! We only dated for a week, and we broke up, so she could move in here, as a friend! Because really we didn't work out.

 

RACHEL

... oh.

And then, there's awkward silence.

JOEY

(clears throat)

... Anymore questions?

They all shake their heads.

JOEY

Then you are dismissed.

Joey and Monica sit down. But the room is still in silence.

MONICA

(to Rachel)

Who are you bringing, then? It's been a while since Stella...

RACHEL

 

(confused)

A while since Stella...?

MONICA

 

Since your break up!

RACHEL

 

Our break up?

MONICA

 

Wait, didn't you two break up last month?

JOEY

 

No, no, no, no, no, they broke up when Stella ditched her on New years'.

ROSS

 

Aren't they only taking a break?

 

CHANDLER

(pointing at Rachel)

You guys...

 

And they all turn their attention to Rachel, whose face just looks blank, as if she's just about to freak out.

RACHEL

 

... Stella's in Quebec! We're stronger than ever! She just can't come back to New York because she's having trouble with her american visa... I told you all about it several times! 

EVERYONE AT THE SAME TIME

Have you...? I don't think you have... You've been distant... I'm so distracted these days...!

But Rachel stands up and walks to her room.

MONICA

Rach... Come on...

And she slams the door as hard as she can.

JOEY

Wait a minute, how is it possible for canadians to have visa problems? Do they even need visas?

 

CHANDLER

Oh, yeah, you're right! Stella must be somewhere between international drug dealer and human trafficker to have her visa denied.

 

And they all just nod.

And there's a "TO BE CONTINUED" sign on the screen.

With that the scene...

FADES OUT.

CUT TO CREDITS.

POST CREDIT SCENE:

INT. A ROOM. SOME OTHER NIGHT.

Chandler and Brian are both laying in bed, with a bed cover up, covering their bare chests. They're facing each other, not really cuddling, or even touching, but in a intimate way. Chandler looks very sleepy.

CHANDLER

Brian?

BRIAN

Uh?

CHANDLER

I'm glad we didn't bring that whole Churchill and Stalin nicknames to the bedroom. That would be weird.

 

BRIAN

Oh, really? I really felt like screaming after Winston Churchill while doing it.

 

CHANDLER

As long as you don't scream after Tom, you can even call me Mao Tse Tung if you want.

Brian actually laughs at that, and then there's silence. Chandler is so sleepy that he changes the subject:

CHANDLER

Do you think that if we're all brothers and sisters under the eyes of god, then what we just did was incest?

 

BRIAN

Well... Thank god you're an atheist, right?

Chandler chuckles. He's almost falling asleep.

CHANDLER

But...

BRIAN

No more talking, go to sleep, Winston.

CHANDLER

Oh, yeah, good idea, comrad, 'love you.

 

And he is asleep. The words hit Brian like a knife. He lies on his stomach, and the scene zooms in his face of utterly dispair. With that, the scene...

FADE OUT.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, there!  
> I should let you guys know that I'm posting less regularly because I've been busy these last few months (and I'll still be busy until January) but I won't stop posting!
> 
> Anyways, don't forget to let me know what you think about this episode.  
> Opinions, ideas, they're all welcome!  
> Your guys' comments and interactions really keep me going.  
> I can't even believe his story now has more than 5 thousand hits! It's surreal.  
> Thank you so much.


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